[ there had been a tiny bit of hope that kuroo would have accepted his weakass apology and leave it at that... but of course he knew better.
in the backroom of the cafe, nisaka leans his head heavily against the wall as he stares down at his phone, screen going dark from how long he's taking to respond. even long after the screen goes black, he can see kuroo's words run like a marquee in his mind. he can practically hear the disappointment and confusion in his voice...
this sucks. this sucks.
but it's necessary, right? it has to be done?
doesn't it???? ]
Yeah sure I'll be there around dinnertime?
[ he groans out loud and knocks his head into the wall, teeth grit as he hits send. even when he's trying to be strong, he's weak. ]
[ Kuroo feels better, definitely relieved that Nisaka relented and is still coming over, but.. Nisaka has never been all that stubborn or difficult to talk into things. He always seems to just go with whatever is suggested, whatever is easiest, as though arguing or forcing his point would be too much effort.. So Kuroo can't be entirely relieved, because the smart part of him is piping up again and pointing out that Nisaka postponed their meeting for a reason, and the only reason that could be responsible is the one thing he's trying to avoid. Kuroo.
He swallows, and gives the cafe one last glance before turning to make his way home. ]
sure :) see you then
[He hates it, he hates it so much. He types something else, the beginning of a question he's afraid to ask just as much as he's afraid of the answer - are we okay, is this about me, do you want to forget it and try again tomorrow like nothing ever happened - but he knows that's a surefire way to fuck everything up and that Nisaka probably won't answer him anyway.. No, if he's going to ask something like that, it should wait until Nisaka is sitting in front of him. He owes him that much.]
[ nisaka does nothing for the rest of the afternoon. holes himself up in his room to avoid his father, not trusting himself not to be able to let the guilt slip from his expression over using the man for his own lie. he eats dinner in his room, though "eating" is pretty generous considering all he does is pick at his bowl. guilt, dread, anxiety — they all eat at him, making an appetite essentially nonexistent.
he shouldn't have agreed to visit after all. he should have just let it go, let the sands of time bury the awkward moment and hope that would be that. as usual.
but he has to wonder how many more of those days they can live through... how much longer until he finally breaks? this crush is going to kill their friendship, but nisaka would be damned before he lets that happen. he just needs to figure out once and for all how to stop it.
by the time the evening rolls around, he's dragging his feet all the way to the kuroo residence. he dawdles even in ringing the bell, stuffing his hands back into his pockets. he'd been hoping the walk over would have enlightened him, that he'd somehow stumble onto some epiphany under a street lamp. but how do you erase someone from your heart who's pretty much carved a home there? a part of him even wonders if it's possible... ]
[ His mom already knows there's something up, not only because she's his mom but also because Kuroo is a pretty horrific liar where his feelings are involved. He came home doing his best to stay positive and hopeful but a kid as outdoorsy and as sporty as him spending a good fifty percent of his day in his room staring vaguely at social media and barely moving is as telling a sign as any. Kuroo doesn't even need to try and make up some excuse when they sit down at the dinner table, and though she might not know exactly what the particulars are, she has a pretty decent idea. Especially after she gets back from the bakery with a dessert box.
Kuroo feels too sick to eat the cream cake she got for him, so he's sitting kind of aimlessly at the table listening to whatever his mom is listening to while she washes the dishes. He almost throws himself out of his chair at the sound of the door, and though the nerves that have been trying to turn his stomach inside out all day are still there he also feels a familiar kind of excitement that only strikes him when Nisaka is around. When he opens the door it's surprisingly easy to smile, softly, like he hadn't fucked up monumentally today and as though Nisaka probably wasn't here to tell Kuroo to back off before he breaks them. ]
Hey-
[ His mom interrupts him before he can say anything else. ]
You're late! You said dinnertime! [ She appears wearing a ridiculous apron and even more ridiculous gloves, elbowing her way into the doorway with a smile that can rival only her son's. She's holding out her arms because there's absolutely no arguing giving her a hug. ] It's been too long, Yuusuke-kun.
[ he's struck, at first, but the genuine happening that kuroo greets him with. the door had opened on him prepared to talk first, which almost never happens, but whatever words he had died on his tongue the second he sees his best friend's warm, welcoming smile, and he wonders how something so beautiful could make him feel so incredibly miserable. ]
H—
[ he doesn't even get a syllable out before the woman of the house demands his attention, eyes flickering towards the short matron somewhat dumbfoundedly.
oh right, he remembers. he's here for her.
his lips twist into a sheepish, apologetic smile. looking to kuroo briefly before stepping forward into the welcoming circle of her arms. ]
Sorry I'm late, Auntie, [ he murmurs, smiling briefly into her hair. he glances back up towards the other boy, unconsciously tightening his arms around his mother as he does so. ]
[ Kuroo watches with a content expression, because Nisaka really is like part of the family and his mother often asks about him, tells Kuroo to hold off on being so insufferable so Nisaka will want to come over more often.. He smiles when they do, and when Nisaka meets his eyes his expression doesn't fall but his eyes definitely get softer. He doesn't seem like he never wants to speak to him again, he's brave enough to hope, so maybe this will all be okay after all. Maybe Nisaka hadn't put two and two together and guessed what a shitty best friend Kuroo has been for.. way too long now. Maybe it'll be something Kuroo can make an excuse for and then suffocate enough that things go back to normal, and he returns to being a safe place for Nisaka. He can only hope.
He's not going to pull out his usual 'where's my hug' comment, though. He's not brave enough for that just yet. ]
Can't complain. Have you eaten? We have leftovers. And cake too, since someone's afraid of getting fat.
[ Kuroo rolls his eyes, turning from the door while his mother ushers Nisaka inside. ]
And talking, apparently. [ She murmurs, eyes practically flashing as they snap from Nisaka to her own son. ]
[ if nisaka himself had noticed kuroo's strange silence or lack of his usual emphatic response, he doesn't indicate it. the slight strain at the corners of his small smile could be due to any number of reasons, after all.
he allows himself to be ushered in, letting his hands fall uselessly at his sides. he doesn't glance over his shoulder at the other boy, mostly because he doesn't trust himself to. ]
I'm not really hungry, [ he admits, which isn't really out of the usual. but once they'd in the house proper, he turns to the woman, fixing her a sincere smile. ]
Thank you for the edo furin, Auntie. It catches the breeze from my window just right.
[ Kuroo's mother has looked away from Kuroo's back as he wanders toward the kitchen to fix himself a glass of water, and is now pinning her seemingly unblinking eyes on the smaller of the two boys. She has a certain intensity around her similar to the one Kuroo emanates for the first few hours before he lets it slip what a total goober he can be. The difference is that his mother's intensity is concrete, and without a single crack in neither her attention or her inference it's difficult to not feel like prey under her gaze. She already knows something is up with Kuroo, but seeing that Nisaka didn't take any opportunity to tease him alongside her she's certain it goes much further than her son thinking himself into a rut. ]
I thought it might. [ She doesn't let any of her assumptions register on her face, though Nisaka should know her well enough by this point to not need visible evidence. ] I've never seen someone stare out a window for as long as you can. I thought it might be nice to give you something to look at for a change.
[ Her gentle teasing is made softer by the screwed up smile she gives him, but it quickly falls when she's surprised by an unexpected sound. ]
I helped her pick the design. She couldn't decide between that or one with painted leaves on it. I said you'd like that one better.
[ Because Kuroo knows Nisaka better. His mom can percieve as much as she likes, but it's Kuroo who studies his best friend and files all the insignificant things away in his mind just in case he might ever need them. It's Kuroo who could see inspiring hope in a sunrise, heat and the dawn of another day signalling freedom and new starts, adventures and excitement... where leaves made him think of jungles, of the thick shroud of leaves and of hiding away, unseen, secret.
There's cream at the corner of Kuroo's mouth, which he doesn't seem to have noticed but his mother reponds to it with a smack of her palm upside his head. She yells at him for not using a fork or a plate, for dipping his fingers in instead of committing and eating the whole thing and for some reason Kuroo's face has gone kind of red when he responds at a louder volume and says he still hasn't made room for the whole thing, that he'll eat it when he's ready. ]
Anyway, Ma.. Have you noticed Nisaka-chan's hair, huh? He's going to start plaiting it, I think. That or he's going to join a band.
[ Both of the Kuroo's eyes snap to Nisaka, one of them smiling kind of impishly and the other looking curious, as the man of the house uses his best friend as a way to get his mom off his case so he can scamper back to the table and dip a finger in the creamcake he's already been poking at. His mother gasps, reaching her hands up to Nisaka's hair, hands on both sides of his head and pulling the lengths of his bangs out at each side, marvelling at the length. ]
[ nisaka does, in fact, love the sunrise design. for all the reasons kuroo had been thinking, and then some. how the bright red captures the same shade as kuroo's favorite jersey, and the curve of the sun matches the boy's smile just right. a sunrise inspires hope, like kuroo does every time he gives nisaka's hand a reassuring squeeze.
when kuroo speaks, nisaka can't help but listen, can't help but look. and the surprise there is clear in his expression, too weak and vulnerable to be able to properly mask it.
he knew should've canceled. he should've pretended to be sick, or broken his leg, or something. he realizes all too belatedly that coming here had been a mistake, and now literally caught between the kuroo matron's hands, he can't escape.
he stumbles around his excuses — that he'd been too busy to tend to it all summer, that it wasn't really as much of a bother if he just tied it out of his face, that he'll get around to cutting it soon enough, promise — actually stuttering as his mind tries to catch up to the sudden shift in topic. his cheeks flush under the woman's fervent attention, but they had already been warming up well before that. ]
Actually, [ he says, voice pitching up a little as he scrambles to peel himself away from her too-keen eyes, ] some cake would be nice.
[ Kuroo looks around with a face covered in chocolate and cream, wiping it on his sleeve with haste once Nisaka speaks up. Both because of what had happened the last time he got cream on his face and the fact that if his mom catches him again she'll probably beat him to death with her shoe. ]
Too bad, s'all gone. [ He's lying, and makes it way too obvious with the way he hastily shuts the lid of the bakery box. Luckily for Nisaka, his mother is following their paths to the table and somehow already has plates in her hand which she dumps on the table before she pinches her sons side so he'll relinquish his hold on the spoils. Sulking, Kuroo sits, and opens the lid to reveal four different kinds of cakes, and the remains of the one Kuroo had been snacking on. His mom is clearly making up for lost time after spending months away from home, in a place where there weren't any home-style bakeries that even came close to Tanabe-san's. ]
Help yourself. [ She says to Nisaka, then sits herself, at the head of the table, right where she belongs. Then, without looking at her son but clearly talking to him, she continues: ] You didn't give Yuusuke-kun enough time to make up his mind. Just because he doesn't jump into things feet first like you do, doesn't mean he isn't interested.
[ It's a pretty innocent thing to say, but Kuroo's eyes widen and he glances from his mother to Nisaka like he's trying not to be noticed doing so, as a bright flush stains his cheeks. Clearly there's something she knows that Kuroo knows she knows, that they might have talked about in that weird way they do when they don't mention the thing exactly but both of them know what they're talking about. When he looks back at his mother, it's like he's silently yelling at her. Nisaka isn't stupid, all it would take is for him to make one stab in the dark and this could unravel, so Kuroo forcibly reigns himself in and settles on just shrugging. ]
[ by the time nisaka settles onto a seat (somehow directly opposite kuroo; how does it always turn out this way?), he's determined not to meet the elder kuroo's eyes for fear of what he might see there. he often forgets (given the flightiness of his own parents) how perceptive and keen older eyes can be. it's in moments like these that he's grateful he isn't often around his best friend's mother; he doesn't even know what she knows, but already he can tell she knows Too Much. ]
...It's alright, [ he says eventually. to both of them, with a quick flick of his eyes, but his gaze definitely lingers a little longer on kuroo himself before slipping down to the small plate in front of him. he plucks up the fork settled neatly beside it, idly tracing around the lip of his plate with its tines. ]
It's not like you could've known.
[ a heavy pause settles around the table suddenly, and nisaka finds himself shifting beneath the weight of it. he turns to the woman who is practically a second mother to him at this point, attempting a polite smile. ]
[ Kuroo's mother definitely knows too much, because her son can't lie to and even when he tries she can see right through it. Kuroo hasn't said it in exact words, but his mannerisms and allusions to the truth might as well have been a written confession. He knows she pretty much knows, she knows he knows she knows, and it's been like this for.. a while now.
When Nisaka sits down Kuroo's eyes snap to him, as though only just realising how close his mother is to the both of them, and his mind practically blossoms with terrified images of exactly what his bloodhound of a mother being in such proximity to them both and their stupid teenage hormones could mean. ]
Sure. Anything you like, you don't need to ask. [ His mother says suddenly, gesturing with a waft of her hand toward the box. Nisaka could walk in unannounced, open the fridge and fix himself a three course meal and Kuroo's mom would still think he was wonderful. Probably. At least in Kuroo's mind.
The elder of the three crosses her wrists as she props her elbows up on the table, thumb rubbing over a groove in her finger where years of pinching a cigarette have dented the skin slightly. She does this when she's thinking, and Kuroo's eyes widen like he's watching a car crash about to happen. ]
I talked to Tanabe-san when I picked up these pastries, you know. She said you didn't buy anything for youself, Yuusuke-kun. You just bought things for Tetsurou. [ She looks at him, eyes sharp through her muddy-but-purposeful make up. ] You don't need to hold back, you know. You should take whatever you want for yourself. Or at least think about it.
[ ABORT. Kuroo stands up from the table and shoves the last of his cake in his mouth (probably a poor choice in action order there, but he's never been particularly dignified) before glaring pointedly at Nisaka. ]
Wanna finish that upstairs? [ He jerks his head, expression silently asking for an escape. ]
[ nisaka, perhaps foolishly, isn't nearly as shrewd or untrusting of the kuroo matron as her own son. but he still sits under the heavy weight of her piercing gaze like he would like nothing more than to run away from or curl up fetal-position beneath it, but in lieu of either option he settles for simply avoiding her gaze altogether. something he's got way too much practice in.
he's just about carefully set the piece of strawberry cake onto his plate when the woman speaks again, like she's speaking into his very soul, and he has exactly two seconds to panic internally before the loud screech of kuroo's chair steals his attention. his wide eyes catch the other's, and he's nodding along before he can even think better of it. in that moment, anything seemed a better option than remaining under that maternal scrutiny. he'll never understand how mothers seem to just know it all, and way too much.
another clumsy thanks tumbles out of his mouth as he picks his plate up and hastily follows after kuroo, his steps light on the stairs. it's only when they make it up to kuroo's room, the door closed safely between them and his best friend's mother, that nisaka realizes he'd left his fork back downstairs... but no way is he risking getting caught under her searching gaze again. he just opts for settling the plate on his knees, occupying the single chair in kuroo's room. he hasn't yet looked up, and he feels like he'd just run a marathon. ]
...Remind me never to be late on your mom ever again, [ he attempts to joke. ]
[ Kuroo presses his palms back against the wood of the door, exhaling for a long moment and just... letting that moment settle. His mom was about a five minute conversation away from grabbing them both by the collars and shaking them, Kuroo is sure of that, and now that he's here he's glad he's away from that eventuality but... it also means he's alone with Nisaka, after what he'd said and the way he'd left things. He owes him an apology, but for a long moment he can't even bring himself to open his eyes and move away from the door.
Nisaka's comment brings him out of it though, and even manages to encourage a soft chuckle from him. ]
Ah-ha, yeah. She's a witch, you know, the next time you do it she'll curse you. And she won't go easy on you just because she thinks you're cute.
[ He wags his finger and for a moment things are blissfully normal. Normal enough that Kuroo even manages to peel himself away from the door and plop himself into a sitting position on the end of his bed, Nisaka to his right close by his desk. Face to face is still asking a bit much, and though he's more comfortable now than he was before.. there's a definite edge to the way he holds himself. ]
But.. don't worry about it. I don't think she minds, really.
[ nisaka shifts just slightly as kuroo moves to take a seat — just the slightest draw back against the back of his chair, tugging his feet in, trying to make himself as small as possible. as if he were intruding in the space, and he wanted to take up as little of it as possible.
his slim fingers begin to trace around the lip of the plate carefully balanced on his knees. ]
Still, [ he murmurs after a moment. ] Just because she doesn't mind, doesn't make it any less wrong.
[ he quiets. speaking of...
carefully, he lifts up his head to glance over his friend's way. ]
[ Kuroo is used to Nisaka making himself at home in his bedroom, so needless to say the clear tension in his frame is more than a little noticeable. His body language reads to Kuroo like a kid sitting outside a teachers office waiting to be told off. He doesn't like it, and he knows in that moment that the conversation they need to have has to happen now. He searches for something to say to breach the subject, but then Nisaka surprises him by getting there first, and Kuroo's surprised attention snaps right back to him.
Hmm. About that. Nisaka could be talking about what Kuroo had said, the texts, the way he'd treated the other... guy.. whatever his name was. The comment really was a vague one, so Kuroo's expression goes a bit tight. ]
If you're gonna tell me I made whats-his-face uncomfortable, I don't care. He gives me weird vibes. But I shouldn't have left the way I did, so I'm sorry about that.
[ He shifts a bit, shoulders moving till he's kind of slumped to the side, expression troubled while he takes a short pause to think. ]
Did you really have to read your dads stuff, or did I fuck something up?
[ nisaka may have been the one to finally broach the subject, but that hardly means he had any idea of how to continue once he got there. in fact, there's such a long silence after his comment that the pause itself had been deafening, and he'd startled himself out of whatever nerve he'd managed to scrounge up to even make it all the way up here. so when kuroo takes command of the discussion, he is both relieved and disappointed.
but mostly, he's just confused. ]
You..?
[ his brows knit together, and it's clear the notion that any of the oddness between them had been kuroo's fault is a novel, if not utterly ridiculous one to him. ]
You didn't do anything wrong.
[ sure, he'd been rude to watabe. but he hadn't been any ruder than nisaka himself tends to be on the regular, so it's not like he could really find fault in that. and, yes, he may have made a few lewd or suggestive comments here and there, but. but that's just what happens. that's just what friends say to each other; he's heard similar passes tossed around between buddies before, that unspoken "no homo" always tacked on with the laugh that sound more like nails on a chalkboard to nisaka. it's not kuroo's fault that nisaka's so unfortunately gay for him that every joke weakens his resolve.
but kuroo is right about one thing. and it's what has nisaka looking back down at the cake on his knees, lips twisting guiltily. ]
I lied about my dad's manuscript. [ that much he can say. he can't very well tell the whole truth of it, can he? that would just make things even weirder... ]
I just thought it'd be a good idea if we spent a little less time together, that's all. It's... It's probably not good, right? We're almost graduated, but we're still stuck to each other like we were in fourth grade...
[ Sure, it's not exactly out of the ordinary for him to throw around flirtatious comments but.. after the night they'd had a few evenings ago, where they'd both pretended to sleep while the air hung thick around them, practically able to taste the tension between them.. it's hardly surprising that Kuroo feels a little awkward saying things like that now. Nisaka had to have noticed, right? What hormones between them has done to the way they are around one another, what being apart has amplified.. Kuroo's feelings aside, that of all things is obvious.. isn't it?
He knew Nisaka had lied, so that isn't surprising, but what he says next definitely is. ]
We just spent two months apart. [ Kuroo says, looking right at Nisaka and levelling him with a confused but firm expression. ] I missed you like hell. Are you trying to tell me that's how it should be? Because I'm calling bullshit.
[ He'd seen Nisaka after he'd run to the bus stop, had seen his form kind of slouch back into being comfortable around someone, had seen him perk up at realising Kuroo would be around more often. Even he can't see that for anything other than what it is.. and now he's had enough of being uncertain. ]
What's wrong? If it's not something I've done, is it something you've done? Is it the guy from the cafe? Is he a better best friend than me or something? You're replacing me?
[ He's half joking, a bemused expression on his face, but there's a small ever so slight sliver of concern in his voice as though he's worried such an eventuality might be possible. Really, he's just concerned about what's bothering Nisaka. ]
[ the younger of the two definitely hears the joking tone in kuroo's voice, but he isn't exactly in a joking mood, making his short patience even more volatile. ]
Don't be stupid. [ he's giving the taller boy a look like he'd just declared loyalty to the flat earth society or something, both incredulous and dismissive. of course, his waning patience also makes his tongue a little looser, letting slip things he might have otherwise held onto a lot tighter. ] As if anyone can ever replace you. [ how he still manages to make that sound like an insult is a feat, really...
he's riled up now, at least. no longer holding back as much, angry enough to finally hold kuroo's gaze and try to pin him down with it, or maybe so startled and touched by the other boy's candor with regards to missing him that he feels the need to reciprocate in his own stupid, clumsy way. whatever the reason, he keeps talking, for better or for worse. ]
The point is I need to be a better best friend. [ if kuroo knew... if kuroo had any idea how often nisaka thought of him in less-than-innocent ways... he'd be disgusted and betrayed for sure. ]
And I can't do that when I can't even trust myself around yo—
there comes a sudden loud screech followed by a collision of wood, kuroo's chair toppling to the ground in as the smaller boy suddenly jumps up to his feet, ready to bolt or throw up or, or something. ]
[ The gaze Nisaka fixes on him is unexpected, to say the least. Usually when Kuroo tries to worm the truth out of Nisaka regarding his feelings all he gets is diversions and brush-offs.. to see him being so defiant about it, so firm and so clear, it's definitely jarring despite how welcome it is. Finally Kuroo feels like they might be getting somewhere, like Nisaka might be deciding to cease the song and dance it takes for them to discuss how they feel.. though he hadn't been expecting it to go quite as far as it does.
The few seconds that follow Nisaka's words fly by in a whip of movement and colour that seems to disappear through Kuroo's fingers, but in that brief moment he manages to do two very important things; he stands up, and crosses the short distance between himself and Nisaka so he can put a hand firm on his shoulder, to stop him from doing what he inevitably wants to do and leaving the room and this house possibly never to return.
Then he starts to process the information. ]
Trust yourself? [ Kuroo frowns.. it sounds like Nisaka is implying something, but Kuroo's brain seems to be incapable of developing any more theories on the matter, as if it's so impossible it doesn't compute. The truth of the matter is that Kuroo has been worried about his own ability to trust himself around Nisaka, particularly after the night where he'd lay in his best friends bed with warmth spreading and pooling in his body, his mind carrying him off to sleep with sinful thoughts and fantasies he dare not think about with company around. Least of all when the subject of said fantasies was laying right beside him..
Kuroo had wondered for himself if distance and some time apart might have softened (heh) the tension a little, but if this had all been brought on by two months apart then clearly that isn't the best strategy.
He looks at Nisaka for a long moment, wondering if it's safe to hope, terrified of what it might do but ultimately doing it anyway, against all his better judgement and all of the warning bells in his head that tell him what a bad idea this is, how stupid he's being and how he'll look back on this later and curse himself for being so dumb. Nisaka has never given him a hint before, has always been so far removed from relationship talk that it seems like he's uninterested either way, and even knowing all that Kuroo's stupid heart flutters when he wonders if maybe, perhaps...
His mothers words ring in his head. Give him time to make up his mind. Not everyone jumps in feet first, not everyone has Kuroo's stupid bravery, his foolish bravado. Nisaka can take it or leave it, but first Kuroo needs to make the options clear to him... right? ]
If that's the case, then I should be a better best friend too.
[ Because he can't trust himself either. His first night back told him that much. ]
[ nisaka is stuck. buried under the gentle weight of kuroo's hand, his searching gaze. he wonders if he'd actually died, just straight up embarrassed himself to death, or whatever, because he can't make sense of all that he's hearing, even though kuroo isn't really saying much.
what do you mean? he wants to scream. do you mean it the way i mean it? the logical part of his brain screams, yes, of course, how else can he mean it, but the other, louder part of his breath is shaking and crying, no you idiot, since when has life ever been that kind?? ]
I...
[ the air feels too thick in here, like there's no ventilation whatsoever. the window is open, letting in a faint evening breeze, but nisaka still feels like he's suffocating, throat working desperately to swallow back some air. ]
Sorry, I — need to go.
[ he can't stay here any longer. not alone, not so close, not with kuroo's hand on his shoulder and eyes pinning him down. any second longer and he'll faint, he knows it, and that's just not the hill he wants to die on right now, and so he jerks himself away from the touch before he can grow too comfortable with it. the plate he'd been holding clatters noisily against the desk when he sets it down, steps short but swift towards the door. he looks on the verge of a panic attack, but he still lingers there, hand on the knob.
he looks like he wants so say something, maybe even stay. but then he turns a little blue from the lack of air, and then he's whipping around, taking the stairs two at a time just to get out of there.
he can't do this right now. two seconds ago he thought his life was over, and now he's wondering if he could really be lucky enough to let it begin?? how is he even supposed to deal? ]
[ Time seems to stretch like elastic as Kuroo stares after Nisaka's back.
He should have predicted Nisaka running away again. He should have made an effort to stop him, but it's difficult when you aren't completely sure if your best friend is running away from his own feelings or from you.
Had he got it wrong? If he hadn't meant what Kuroo foolishly hoped, then why had he stood up so fast? Kuroo had said something that could be considered normal too, back in the cafe, but had stood up so fast after it that all hope of brushing it off as normal was lost and he thought that was it, that Nisaka would figure it out and that he'd have a lot of explaining to do when the time came.
But instead Nisaka ran, as he always does, as he always has, refusing to let himself even get involved with things that require him getting too close or opening up any more than he absolutely has to. It's always been how things go, and it makes the rare moments where he does open up to Kuroo all the more special. But even then the older boy is sure there's always something Nisaka isn't telling him, always something that between them goes unsaid, that troubles Nisaka in a way Kuroo can't begin to imagine. In this situation Kuroo kind of has it easy; he wears his heart on his sleeve and though he can be expertly devious and sarcastic, he's emotive enough that it's definitely not difficult to tell when something is bothering him.. That's why he'd been sure, he'd been certain, that this situation was coming to a head, that tonight would be the night Kuroo would have to admit to what he's done, felt and thought, and that no matter what they'd sort this out.
And it will be. Kuroo is famously determined, has never given up on anything in his life, and Nisaka definitely won't be where he starts slipping. Besides, his brain thinks dimly, he's already fallen.
He races out of the house in a sudden burst of movement, and is surprised at how little time has actually passed when he gets to the top of the stairs and sees Nisaka at the bottom. Threat check: his mom is still downstairs, she won't let them leave if Kuroo starts yelling or looks even a little bit hassled. He bounds down the staircase and reaches for his coat. She's in the kitchen, he can tell by the clattering and the sound of running water. ]
Going for a walk, ma! Back in a bit! [ Is his voice shaking? Holy shit. Just to cover for that he opens the door with one hand, shoves Nisaka through it with the other, and closes it behind him. Then, he fixes Nisaka with a look ].
If you run, I'm just gonna follow you, and I don't wanna put any pressure on you so you might as well just stop and let me talk. Okay?
[ not for the first time, nisaka rues his friend's much-longer legs and athleticism. perhaps if you ate your vegetables more, the sing-songy and teasing voice of his best friend sounded in his head, you'd be able to catch up. funny (in a not-funny kind of way) how even now, at the cusp of the end of his life, his mind can still conjure up a vivid memory of the other boy, without much prompting. he truly is pathetic.
kuroo's hand isn't on him anymore. technically he can still try to make a run for it.
but then kuroo will just run after and catch up to him again. like always.
he's trapped, essentially, but fortunately it's not to be probed or prodded. kuroo doesn't want him to stay to talk; he wants to be the one to talk, and while that gives the smaller boy a small sense of relief, he cannot help but feel his chest constrict in dread.
maybe that's why he says what he says. ]
You're my best friend, Kuroo. I — I don't want to change that. I can't lose you.
[ he can't. even if it means getting a little more of him for a short time. nisaka had been there the last time kuroo ended a relationship. not only does he not want to risk putting the other boy through that again, but he also cannot bear the thought of being on the other end of it. of hurting and depressing kuroo to the point where they can't even meet eyes across a room without things being difficult. he can't. ]
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in the backroom of the cafe, nisaka leans his head heavily against the wall as he stares down at his phone, screen going dark from how long he's taking to respond. even long after the screen goes black, he can see kuroo's words run like a marquee in his mind. he can practically hear the disappointment and confusion in his voice...
this sucks. this sucks.
but it's necessary, right? it has to be done?
doesn't it???? ]
Yeah sure
I'll be there around dinnertime?
[ he groans out loud and knocks his head into the wall, teeth grit as he hits send. even when he's trying to be strong, he's weak. ]
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He swallows, and gives the cafe one last glance before turning to make his way home. ]
sure :) see you then
[He hates it, he hates it so much. He types something else, the beginning of a question he's afraid to ask just as much as he's afraid of the answer - are we okay, is this about me, do you want to forget it and try again tomorrow like nothing ever happened - but he knows that's a surefire way to fuck everything up and that Nisaka probably won't answer him anyway.. No, if he's going to ask something like that, it should wait until Nisaka is sitting in front of him. He owes him that much.]
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he shouldn't have agreed to visit after all. he should have just let it go, let the sands of time bury the awkward moment and hope that would be that. as usual.
but he has to wonder how many more of those days they can live through... how much longer until he finally breaks? this crush is going to kill their friendship, but nisaka would be damned before he lets that happen. he just needs to figure out once and for all how to stop it.
by the time the evening rolls around, he's dragging his feet all the way to the kuroo residence. he dawdles even in ringing the bell, stuffing his hands back into his pockets. he'd been hoping the walk over would have enlightened him, that he'd somehow stumble onto some epiphany under a street lamp. but how do you erase someone from your heart who's pretty much carved a home there? a part of him even wonders if it's possible... ]
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Kuroo feels too sick to eat the cream cake she got for him, so he's sitting kind of aimlessly at the table listening to whatever his mom is listening to while she washes the dishes. He almost throws himself out of his chair at the sound of the door, and though the nerves that have been trying to turn his stomach inside out all day are still there he also feels a familiar kind of excitement that only strikes him when Nisaka is around. When he opens the door it's surprisingly easy to smile, softly, like he hadn't fucked up monumentally today and as though Nisaka probably wasn't here to tell Kuroo to back off before he breaks them. ]
Hey-
[ His mom interrupts him before he can say anything else. ]
You're late! You said dinnertime! [ She appears wearing a ridiculous apron and even more ridiculous gloves, elbowing her way into the doorway with a smile that can rival only her son's. She's holding out her arms because there's absolutely no arguing giving her a hug. ] It's been too long, Yuusuke-kun.
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H—
[ he doesn't even get a syllable out before the woman of the house demands his attention, eyes flickering towards the short matron somewhat dumbfoundedly.
oh right, he remembers. he's here for her.
his lips twist into a sheepish, apologetic smile. looking to kuroo briefly before stepping forward into the welcoming circle of her arms. ]
Sorry I'm late, Auntie, [ he murmurs, smiling briefly into her hair. he glances back up towards the other boy, unconsciously tightening his arms around his mother as he does so. ]
How are you...
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He's not going to pull out his usual 'where's my hug' comment, though. He's not brave enough for that just yet. ]
Can't complain. Have you eaten? We have leftovers. And cake too, since someone's afraid of getting fat.
[ Kuroo rolls his eyes, turning from the door while his mother ushers Nisaka inside. ]
And talking, apparently. [ She murmurs, eyes practically flashing as they snap from Nisaka to her own son. ]
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he allows himself to be ushered in, letting his hands fall uselessly at his sides. he doesn't glance over his shoulder at the other boy, mostly because he doesn't trust himself to. ]
I'm not really hungry, [ he admits, which isn't really out of the usual. but once they'd in the house proper, he turns to the woman, fixing her a sincere smile. ]
Thank you for the edo furin, Auntie. It catches the breeze from my window just right.
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I thought it might. [ She doesn't let any of her assumptions register on her face, though Nisaka should know her well enough by this point to not need visible evidence. ] I've never seen someone stare out a window for as long as you can. I thought it might be nice to give you something to look at for a change.
[ Her gentle teasing is made softer by the screwed up smile she gives him, but it quickly falls when she's surprised by an unexpected sound. ]
I helped her pick the design. She couldn't decide between that or one with painted leaves on it. I said you'd like that one better.
[ Because Kuroo knows Nisaka better. His mom can percieve as much as she likes, but it's Kuroo who studies his best friend and files all the insignificant things away in his mind just in case he might ever need them. It's Kuroo who could see inspiring hope in a sunrise, heat and the dawn of another day signalling freedom and new starts, adventures and excitement... where leaves made him think of jungles, of the thick shroud of leaves and of hiding away, unseen, secret.
There's cream at the corner of Kuroo's mouth, which he doesn't seem to have noticed but his mother reponds to it with a smack of her palm upside his head. She yells at him for not using a fork or a plate, for dipping his fingers in instead of committing and eating the whole thing and for some reason Kuroo's face has gone kind of red when he responds at a louder volume and says he still hasn't made room for the whole thing, that he'll eat it when he's ready. ]
Anyway, Ma.. Have you noticed Nisaka-chan's hair, huh? He's going to start plaiting it, I think. That or he's going to join a band.
[ Both of the Kuroo's eyes snap to Nisaka, one of them smiling kind of impishly and the other looking curious, as the man of the house uses his best friend as a way to get his mom off his case so he can scamper back to the table and dip a finger in the creamcake he's already been poking at. His mother gasps, reaching her hands up to Nisaka's hair, hands on both sides of his head and pulling the lengths of his bangs out at each side, marvelling at the length. ]
i see what you did there...
when kuroo speaks, nisaka can't help but listen, can't help but look. and the surprise there is clear in his expression, too weak and vulnerable to be able to properly mask it.
he knew should've canceled. he should've pretended to be sick, or broken his leg, or something. he realizes all too belatedly that coming here had been a mistake, and now literally caught between the kuroo matron's hands, he can't escape.
he stumbles around his excuses — that he'd been too busy to tend to it all summer, that it wasn't really as much of a bother if he just tied it out of his face, that he'll get around to cutting it soon enough, promise — actually stuttering as his mind tries to catch up to the sudden shift in topic. his cheeks flush under the woman's fervent attention, but they had already been warming up well before that. ]
Actually, [ he says, voice pitching up a little as he scrambles to peel himself away from her too-keen eyes, ] some cake would be nice.
kuroos mom knows all
Too bad, s'all gone. [ He's lying, and makes it way too obvious with the way he hastily shuts the lid of the bakery box. Luckily for Nisaka, his mother is following their paths to the table and somehow already has plates in her hand which she dumps on the table before she pinches her sons side so he'll relinquish his hold on the spoils. Sulking, Kuroo sits, and opens the lid to reveal four different kinds of cakes, and the remains of the one Kuroo had been snacking on. His mom is clearly making up for lost time after spending months away from home, in a place where there weren't any home-style bakeries that even came close to Tanabe-san's. ]
Help yourself. [ She says to Nisaka, then sits herself, at the head of the table, right where she belongs. Then, without looking at her son but clearly talking to him, she continues: ] You didn't give Yuusuke-kun enough time to make up his mind. Just because he doesn't jump into things feet first like you do, doesn't mean he isn't interested.
[ It's a pretty innocent thing to say, but Kuroo's eyes widen and he glances from his mother to Nisaka like he's trying not to be noticed doing so, as a bright flush stains his cheeks. Clearly there's something she knows that Kuroo knows she knows, that they might have talked about in that weird way they do when they don't mention the thing exactly but both of them know what they're talking about. When he looks back at his mother, it's like he's silently yelling at her. Nisaka isn't stupid, all it would take is for him to make one stab in the dark and this could unravel, so Kuroo forcibly reigns himself in and settles on just shrugging. ]
Sorry. Thought you weren't hungry.
spoopy...
...It's alright, [ he says eventually. to both of them, with a quick flick of his eyes, but his gaze definitely lingers a little longer on kuroo himself before slipping down to the small plate in front of him. he plucks up the fork settled neatly beside it, idly tracing around the lip of his plate with its tines. ]
It's not like you could've known.
[ a heavy pause settles around the table suddenly, and nisaka finds himself shifting beneath the weight of it. he turns to the woman who is practically a second mother to him at this point, attempting a polite smile. ]
Can I have the strawberry one...?
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When Nisaka sits down Kuroo's eyes snap to him, as though only just realising how close his mother is to the both of them, and his mind practically blossoms with terrified images of exactly what his bloodhound of a mother being in such proximity to them both and their stupid teenage hormones could mean. ]
Sure. Anything you like, you don't need to ask. [ His mother says suddenly, gesturing with a waft of her hand toward the box. Nisaka could walk in unannounced, open the fridge and fix himself a three course meal and Kuroo's mom would still think he was wonderful. Probably. At least in Kuroo's mind.
The elder of the three crosses her wrists as she props her elbows up on the table, thumb rubbing over a groove in her finger where years of pinching a cigarette have dented the skin slightly. She does this when she's thinking, and Kuroo's eyes widen like he's watching a car crash about to happen. ]
I talked to Tanabe-san when I picked up these pastries, you know. She said you didn't buy anything for youself, Yuusuke-kun. You just bought things for Tetsurou. [ She looks at him, eyes sharp through her muddy-but-purposeful make up. ] You don't need to hold back, you know. You should take whatever you want for yourself. Or at least think about it.
[ ABORT. Kuroo stands up from the table and shoves the last of his cake in his mouth (probably a poor choice in action order there, but he's never been particularly dignified) before glaring pointedly at Nisaka. ]
Wanna finish that upstairs? [ He jerks his head, expression silently asking for an escape. ]
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he's just about carefully set the piece of strawberry cake onto his plate when the woman speaks again, like she's speaking into his very soul, and he has exactly two seconds to panic internally before the loud screech of kuroo's chair steals his attention. his wide eyes catch the other's, and he's nodding along before he can even think better of it. in that moment, anything seemed a better option than remaining under that maternal scrutiny. he'll never understand how mothers seem to just know it all, and way too much.
another clumsy thanks tumbles out of his mouth as he picks his plate up and hastily follows after kuroo, his steps light on the stairs. it's only when they make it up to kuroo's room, the door closed safely between them and his best friend's mother, that nisaka realizes he'd left his fork back downstairs... but no way is he risking getting caught under her searching gaze again. he just opts for settling the plate on his knees, occupying the single chair in kuroo's room. he hasn't yet looked up, and he feels like he'd just run a marathon. ]
...Remind me never to be late on your mom ever again, [ he attempts to joke. ]
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Nisaka's comment brings him out of it though, and even manages to encourage a soft chuckle from him. ]
Ah-ha, yeah. She's a witch, you know, the next time you do it she'll curse you. And she won't go easy on you just because she thinks you're cute.
[ He wags his finger and for a moment things are blissfully normal. Normal enough that Kuroo even manages to peel himself away from the door and plop himself into a sitting position on the end of his bed, Nisaka to his right close by his desk. Face to face is still asking a bit much, and though he's more comfortable now than he was before.. there's a definite edge to the way he holds himself. ]
But.. don't worry about it. I don't think she minds, really.
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his slim fingers begin to trace around the lip of the plate carefully balanced on his knees. ]
Still, [ he murmurs after a moment. ] Just because she doesn't mind, doesn't make it any less wrong.
[ he quiets. speaking of...
carefully, he lifts up his head to glance over his friend's way. ]
...About what happened today...
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Hmm. About that. Nisaka could be talking about what Kuroo had said, the texts, the way he'd treated the other... guy.. whatever his name was. The comment really was a vague one, so Kuroo's expression goes a bit tight. ]
If you're gonna tell me I made whats-his-face uncomfortable, I don't care. He gives me weird vibes. But I shouldn't have left the way I did, so I'm sorry about that.
[ He shifts a bit, shoulders moving till he's kind of slumped to the side, expression troubled while he takes a short pause to think. ]
Did you really have to read your dads stuff, or did I fuck something up?
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but mostly, he's just confused. ]
You..?
[ his brows knit together, and it's clear the notion that any of the oddness between them had been kuroo's fault is a novel, if not utterly ridiculous one to him. ]
You didn't do anything wrong.
[ sure, he'd been rude to watabe. but he hadn't been any ruder than nisaka himself tends to be on the regular, so it's not like he could really find fault in that. and, yes, he may have made a few lewd or suggestive comments here and there, but. but that's just what happens. that's just what friends say to each other; he's heard similar passes tossed around between buddies before, that unspoken "no homo" always tacked on with the laugh that sound more like nails on a chalkboard to nisaka. it's not kuroo's fault that nisaka's so unfortunately gay for him that every joke weakens his resolve.
but kuroo is right about one thing. and it's what has nisaka looking back down at the cake on his knees, lips twisting guiltily. ]
I lied about my dad's manuscript. [ that much he can say. he can't very well tell the whole truth of it, can he? that would just make things even weirder... ]
I just thought it'd be a good idea if we spent a little less time together, that's all. It's... It's probably not good, right? We're almost graduated, but we're still stuck to each other like we were in fourth grade...
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He knew Nisaka had lied, so that isn't surprising, but what he says next definitely is. ]
We just spent two months apart. [ Kuroo says, looking right at Nisaka and levelling him with a confused but firm expression. ] I missed you like hell. Are you trying to tell me that's how it should be? Because I'm calling bullshit.
[ He'd seen Nisaka after he'd run to the bus stop, had seen his form kind of slouch back into being comfortable around someone, had seen him perk up at realising Kuroo would be around more often. Even he can't see that for anything other than what it is.. and now he's had enough of being uncertain. ]
What's wrong? If it's not something I've done, is it something you've done? Is it the guy from the cafe? Is he a better best friend than me or something? You're replacing me?
[ He's half joking, a bemused expression on his face, but there's a small ever so slight sliver of concern in his voice as though he's worried such an eventuality might be possible. Really, he's just concerned about what's bothering Nisaka. ]
1/3
Don't be stupid. [ he's giving the taller boy a look like he'd just declared loyalty to the flat earth society or something, both incredulous and dismissive. of course, his waning patience also makes his tongue a little looser, letting slip things he might have otherwise held onto a lot tighter. ] As if anyone can ever replace you. [ how he still manages to make that sound like an insult is a feat, really...
he's riled up now, at least. no longer holding back as much, angry enough to finally hold kuroo's gaze and try to pin him down with it, or maybe so startled and touched by the other boy's candor with regards to missing him that he feels the need to reciprocate in his own stupid, clumsy way. whatever the reason, he keeps talking, for better or for worse. ]
The point is I need to be a better best friend. [ if kuroo knew... if kuroo had any idea how often nisaka thought of him in less-than-innocent ways... he'd be disgusted and betrayed for sure. ]
And I can't do that when I can't even trust myself around yo—
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oh no...
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no—!
there comes a sudden loud screech followed by a collision of wood, kuroo's chair toppling to the ground in as the smaller boy suddenly jumps up to his feet, ready to bolt or throw up or, or something. ]
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The few seconds that follow Nisaka's words fly by in a whip of movement and colour that seems to disappear through Kuroo's fingers, but in that brief moment he manages to do two very important things; he stands up, and crosses the short distance between himself and Nisaka so he can put a hand firm on his shoulder, to stop him from doing what he inevitably wants to do and leaving the room and this house possibly never to return.
Then he starts to process the information. ]
Trust yourself? [ Kuroo frowns.. it sounds like Nisaka is implying something, but Kuroo's brain seems to be incapable of developing any more theories on the matter, as if it's so impossible it doesn't compute. The truth of the matter is that Kuroo has been worried about his own ability to trust himself around Nisaka, particularly after the night where he'd lay in his best friends bed with warmth spreading and pooling in his body, his mind carrying him off to sleep with sinful thoughts and fantasies he dare not think about with company around. Least of all when the subject of said fantasies was laying right beside him..
Kuroo had wondered for himself if distance and some time apart might have softened (heh) the tension a little, but if this had all been brought on by two months apart then clearly that isn't the best strategy.
He looks at Nisaka for a long moment, wondering if it's safe to hope, terrified of what it might do but ultimately doing it anyway, against all his better judgement and all of the warning bells in his head that tell him what a bad idea this is, how stupid he's being and how he'll look back on this later and curse himself for being so dumb. Nisaka has never given him a hint before, has always been so far removed from relationship talk that it seems like he's uninterested either way, and even knowing all that Kuroo's stupid heart flutters when he wonders if maybe, perhaps...
His mothers words ring in his head. Give him time to make up his mind. Not everyone jumps in feet first, not everyone has Kuroo's stupid bravery, his foolish bravado. Nisaka can take it or leave it, but first Kuroo needs to make the options clear to him... right? ]
If that's the case, then I should be a better best friend too.
[ Because he can't trust himself either. His first night back told him that much. ]
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[ nisaka is stuck. buried under the gentle weight of kuroo's hand, his searching gaze. he wonders if he'd actually died, just straight up embarrassed himself to death, or whatever, because he can't make sense of all that he's hearing, even though kuroo isn't really saying much.
what do you mean? he wants to scream. do you mean it the way i mean it? the logical part of his brain screams, yes, of course, how else can he mean it, but the other, louder part of his breath is shaking and crying, no you idiot, since when has life ever been that kind?? ]
I...
[ the air feels too thick in here, like there's no ventilation whatsoever. the window is open, letting in a faint evening breeze, but nisaka still feels like he's suffocating, throat working desperately to swallow back some air. ]
Sorry, I — need to go.
[ he can't stay here any longer. not alone, not so close, not with kuroo's hand on his shoulder and eyes pinning him down. any second longer and he'll faint, he knows it, and that's just not the hill he wants to die on right now, and so he jerks himself away from the touch before he can grow too comfortable with it. the plate he'd been holding clatters noisily against the desk when he sets it down, steps short but swift towards the door. he looks on the verge of a panic attack, but he still lingers there, hand on the knob.
he looks like he wants so say something, maybe even stay. but then he turns a little blue from the lack of air, and then he's whipping around, taking the stairs two at a time just to get out of there.
he can't do this right now. two seconds ago he thought his life was over, and now he's wondering if he could really be lucky enough to let it begin?? how is he even supposed to deal? ]
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He should have predicted Nisaka running away again. He should have made an effort to stop him, but it's difficult when you aren't completely sure if your best friend is running away from his own feelings or from you.
Had he got it wrong? If he hadn't meant what Kuroo foolishly hoped, then why had he stood up so fast? Kuroo had said something that could be considered normal too, back in the cafe, but had stood up so fast after it that all hope of brushing it off as normal was lost and he thought that was it, that Nisaka would figure it out and that he'd have a lot of explaining to do when the time came.
But instead Nisaka ran, as he always does, as he always has, refusing to let himself even get involved with things that require him getting too close or opening up any more than he absolutely has to. It's always been how things go, and it makes the rare moments where he does open up to Kuroo all the more special. But even then the older boy is sure there's always something Nisaka isn't telling him, always something that between them goes unsaid, that troubles Nisaka in a way Kuroo can't begin to imagine. In this situation Kuroo kind of has it easy; he wears his heart on his sleeve and though he can be expertly devious and sarcastic, he's emotive enough that it's definitely not difficult to tell when something is bothering him.. That's why he'd been sure, he'd been certain, that this situation was coming to a head, that tonight would be the night Kuroo would have to admit to what he's done, felt and thought, and that no matter what they'd sort this out.
And it will be. Kuroo is famously determined, has never given up on anything in his life, and Nisaka definitely won't be where he starts slipping. Besides, his brain thinks dimly, he's already fallen.
He races out of the house in a sudden burst of movement, and is surprised at how little time has actually passed when he gets to the top of the stairs and sees Nisaka at the bottom. Threat check: his mom is still downstairs, she won't let them leave if Kuroo starts yelling or looks even a little bit hassled. He bounds down the staircase and reaches for his coat. She's in the kitchen, he can tell by the clattering and the sound of running water. ]
Going for a walk, ma! Back in a bit! [ Is his voice shaking? Holy shit. Just to cover for that he opens the door with one hand, shoves Nisaka through it with the other, and closes it behind him. Then, he fixes Nisaka with a look ].
If you run, I'm just gonna follow you, and I don't wanna put any pressure on you so you might as well just stop and let me talk. Okay?
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kuroo's hand isn't on him anymore. technically he can still try to make a run for it.
but then kuroo will just run after and catch up to him again. like always.
he's trapped, essentially, but fortunately it's not to be probed or prodded. kuroo doesn't want him to stay to talk; he wants to be the one to talk, and while that gives the smaller boy a small sense of relief, he cannot help but feel his chest constrict in dread.
maybe that's why he says what he says. ]
You're my best friend, Kuroo. I — I don't want to change that. I can't lose you.
[ he can't. even if it means getting a little more of him for a short time. nisaka had been there the last time kuroo ended a relationship. not only does he not want to risk putting the other boy through that again, but he also cannot bear the thought of being on the other end of it. of hurting and depressing kuroo to the point where they can't even meet eyes across a room without things being difficult. he can't. ]
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