[ nisaka may have been the one to finally broach the subject, but that hardly means he had any idea of how to continue once he got there. in fact, there's such a long silence after his comment that the pause itself had been deafening, and he'd startled himself out of whatever nerve he'd managed to scrounge up to even make it all the way up here. so when kuroo takes command of the discussion, he is both relieved and disappointed.
but mostly, he's just confused. ]
You..?
[ his brows knit together, and it's clear the notion that any of the oddness between them had been kuroo's fault is a novel, if not utterly ridiculous one to him. ]
You didn't do anything wrong.
[ sure, he'd been rude to watabe. but he hadn't been any ruder than nisaka himself tends to be on the regular, so it's not like he could really find fault in that. and, yes, he may have made a few lewd or suggestive comments here and there, but. but that's just what happens. that's just what friends say to each other; he's heard similar passes tossed around between buddies before, that unspoken "no homo" always tacked on with the laugh that sound more like nails on a chalkboard to nisaka. it's not kuroo's fault that nisaka's so unfortunately gay for him that every joke weakens his resolve.
but kuroo is right about one thing. and it's what has nisaka looking back down at the cake on his knees, lips twisting guiltily. ]
I lied about my dad's manuscript. [ that much he can say. he can't very well tell the whole truth of it, can he? that would just make things even weirder... ]
I just thought it'd be a good idea if we spent a little less time together, that's all. It's... It's probably not good, right? We're almost graduated, but we're still stuck to each other like we were in fourth grade...
[ Sure, it's not exactly out of the ordinary for him to throw around flirtatious comments but.. after the night they'd had a few evenings ago, where they'd both pretended to sleep while the air hung thick around them, practically able to taste the tension between them.. it's hardly surprising that Kuroo feels a little awkward saying things like that now. Nisaka had to have noticed, right? What hormones between them has done to the way they are around one another, what being apart has amplified.. Kuroo's feelings aside, that of all things is obvious.. isn't it?
He knew Nisaka had lied, so that isn't surprising, but what he says next definitely is. ]
We just spent two months apart. [ Kuroo says, looking right at Nisaka and levelling him with a confused but firm expression. ] I missed you like hell. Are you trying to tell me that's how it should be? Because I'm calling bullshit.
[ He'd seen Nisaka after he'd run to the bus stop, had seen his form kind of slouch back into being comfortable around someone, had seen him perk up at realising Kuroo would be around more often. Even he can't see that for anything other than what it is.. and now he's had enough of being uncertain. ]
What's wrong? If it's not something I've done, is it something you've done? Is it the guy from the cafe? Is he a better best friend than me or something? You're replacing me?
[ He's half joking, a bemused expression on his face, but there's a small ever so slight sliver of concern in his voice as though he's worried such an eventuality might be possible. Really, he's just concerned about what's bothering Nisaka. ]
[ the younger of the two definitely hears the joking tone in kuroo's voice, but he isn't exactly in a joking mood, making his short patience even more volatile. ]
Don't be stupid. [ he's giving the taller boy a look like he'd just declared loyalty to the flat earth society or something, both incredulous and dismissive. of course, his waning patience also makes his tongue a little looser, letting slip things he might have otherwise held onto a lot tighter. ] As if anyone can ever replace you. [ how he still manages to make that sound like an insult is a feat, really...
he's riled up now, at least. no longer holding back as much, angry enough to finally hold kuroo's gaze and try to pin him down with it, or maybe so startled and touched by the other boy's candor with regards to missing him that he feels the need to reciprocate in his own stupid, clumsy way. whatever the reason, he keeps talking, for better or for worse. ]
The point is I need to be a better best friend. [ if kuroo knew... if kuroo had any idea how often nisaka thought of him in less-than-innocent ways... he'd be disgusted and betrayed for sure. ]
And I can't do that when I can't even trust myself around yo—
there comes a sudden loud screech followed by a collision of wood, kuroo's chair toppling to the ground in as the smaller boy suddenly jumps up to his feet, ready to bolt or throw up or, or something. ]
[ The gaze Nisaka fixes on him is unexpected, to say the least. Usually when Kuroo tries to worm the truth out of Nisaka regarding his feelings all he gets is diversions and brush-offs.. to see him being so defiant about it, so firm and so clear, it's definitely jarring despite how welcome it is. Finally Kuroo feels like they might be getting somewhere, like Nisaka might be deciding to cease the song and dance it takes for them to discuss how they feel.. though he hadn't been expecting it to go quite as far as it does.
The few seconds that follow Nisaka's words fly by in a whip of movement and colour that seems to disappear through Kuroo's fingers, but in that brief moment he manages to do two very important things; he stands up, and crosses the short distance between himself and Nisaka so he can put a hand firm on his shoulder, to stop him from doing what he inevitably wants to do and leaving the room and this house possibly never to return.
Then he starts to process the information. ]
Trust yourself? [ Kuroo frowns.. it sounds like Nisaka is implying something, but Kuroo's brain seems to be incapable of developing any more theories on the matter, as if it's so impossible it doesn't compute. The truth of the matter is that Kuroo has been worried about his own ability to trust himself around Nisaka, particularly after the night where he'd lay in his best friends bed with warmth spreading and pooling in his body, his mind carrying him off to sleep with sinful thoughts and fantasies he dare not think about with company around. Least of all when the subject of said fantasies was laying right beside him..
Kuroo had wondered for himself if distance and some time apart might have softened (heh) the tension a little, but if this had all been brought on by two months apart then clearly that isn't the best strategy.
He looks at Nisaka for a long moment, wondering if it's safe to hope, terrified of what it might do but ultimately doing it anyway, against all his better judgement and all of the warning bells in his head that tell him what a bad idea this is, how stupid he's being and how he'll look back on this later and curse himself for being so dumb. Nisaka has never given him a hint before, has always been so far removed from relationship talk that it seems like he's uninterested either way, and even knowing all that Kuroo's stupid heart flutters when he wonders if maybe, perhaps...
His mothers words ring in his head. Give him time to make up his mind. Not everyone jumps in feet first, not everyone has Kuroo's stupid bravery, his foolish bravado. Nisaka can take it or leave it, but first Kuroo needs to make the options clear to him... right? ]
If that's the case, then I should be a better best friend too.
[ Because he can't trust himself either. His first night back told him that much. ]
[ nisaka is stuck. buried under the gentle weight of kuroo's hand, his searching gaze. he wonders if he'd actually died, just straight up embarrassed himself to death, or whatever, because he can't make sense of all that he's hearing, even though kuroo isn't really saying much.
what do you mean? he wants to scream. do you mean it the way i mean it? the logical part of his brain screams, yes, of course, how else can he mean it, but the other, louder part of his breath is shaking and crying, no you idiot, since when has life ever been that kind?? ]
I...
[ the air feels too thick in here, like there's no ventilation whatsoever. the window is open, letting in a faint evening breeze, but nisaka still feels like he's suffocating, throat working desperately to swallow back some air. ]
Sorry, I — need to go.
[ he can't stay here any longer. not alone, not so close, not with kuroo's hand on his shoulder and eyes pinning him down. any second longer and he'll faint, he knows it, and that's just not the hill he wants to die on right now, and so he jerks himself away from the touch before he can grow too comfortable with it. the plate he'd been holding clatters noisily against the desk when he sets it down, steps short but swift towards the door. he looks on the verge of a panic attack, but he still lingers there, hand on the knob.
he looks like he wants so say something, maybe even stay. but then he turns a little blue from the lack of air, and then he's whipping around, taking the stairs two at a time just to get out of there.
he can't do this right now. two seconds ago he thought his life was over, and now he's wondering if he could really be lucky enough to let it begin?? how is he even supposed to deal? ]
[ Time seems to stretch like elastic as Kuroo stares after Nisaka's back.
He should have predicted Nisaka running away again. He should have made an effort to stop him, but it's difficult when you aren't completely sure if your best friend is running away from his own feelings or from you.
Had he got it wrong? If he hadn't meant what Kuroo foolishly hoped, then why had he stood up so fast? Kuroo had said something that could be considered normal too, back in the cafe, but had stood up so fast after it that all hope of brushing it off as normal was lost and he thought that was it, that Nisaka would figure it out and that he'd have a lot of explaining to do when the time came.
But instead Nisaka ran, as he always does, as he always has, refusing to let himself even get involved with things that require him getting too close or opening up any more than he absolutely has to. It's always been how things go, and it makes the rare moments where he does open up to Kuroo all the more special. But even then the older boy is sure there's always something Nisaka isn't telling him, always something that between them goes unsaid, that troubles Nisaka in a way Kuroo can't begin to imagine. In this situation Kuroo kind of has it easy; he wears his heart on his sleeve and though he can be expertly devious and sarcastic, he's emotive enough that it's definitely not difficult to tell when something is bothering him.. That's why he'd been sure, he'd been certain, that this situation was coming to a head, that tonight would be the night Kuroo would have to admit to what he's done, felt and thought, and that no matter what they'd sort this out.
And it will be. Kuroo is famously determined, has never given up on anything in his life, and Nisaka definitely won't be where he starts slipping. Besides, his brain thinks dimly, he's already fallen.
He races out of the house in a sudden burst of movement, and is surprised at how little time has actually passed when he gets to the top of the stairs and sees Nisaka at the bottom. Threat check: his mom is still downstairs, she won't let them leave if Kuroo starts yelling or looks even a little bit hassled. He bounds down the staircase and reaches for his coat. She's in the kitchen, he can tell by the clattering and the sound of running water. ]
Going for a walk, ma! Back in a bit! [ Is his voice shaking? Holy shit. Just to cover for that he opens the door with one hand, shoves Nisaka through it with the other, and closes it behind him. Then, he fixes Nisaka with a look ].
If you run, I'm just gonna follow you, and I don't wanna put any pressure on you so you might as well just stop and let me talk. Okay?
[ not for the first time, nisaka rues his friend's much-longer legs and athleticism. perhaps if you ate your vegetables more, the sing-songy and teasing voice of his best friend sounded in his head, you'd be able to catch up. funny (in a not-funny kind of way) how even now, at the cusp of the end of his life, his mind can still conjure up a vivid memory of the other boy, without much prompting. he truly is pathetic.
kuroo's hand isn't on him anymore. technically he can still try to make a run for it.
but then kuroo will just run after and catch up to him again. like always.
he's trapped, essentially, but fortunately it's not to be probed or prodded. kuroo doesn't want him to stay to talk; he wants to be the one to talk, and while that gives the smaller boy a small sense of relief, he cannot help but feel his chest constrict in dread.
maybe that's why he says what he says. ]
You're my best friend, Kuroo. I — I don't want to change that. I can't lose you.
[ he can't. even if it means getting a little more of him for a short time. nisaka had been there the last time kuroo ended a relationship. not only does he not want to risk putting the other boy through that again, but he also cannot bear the thought of being on the other end of it. of hurting and depressing kuroo to the point where they can't even meet eyes across a room without things being difficult. he can't. ]
[ Kuroo is giving Nisaka the easier part of this, offering up a simple and familiar situation to him wherein Kuroo will talk and Nisaka will listen and maybe at the end of it he'll have talked enough that Nisaka will have a better understanding of the situation and be able to decide then.
But then Kuroo tastes something bitter in his mouth, his body kind of.. wilting where he stands. It's like the air has been sucked out of where they're standing, Kuroo's fingertips still paused on the handle of his door. It blacks out around where Nisaka is standing, his expression moving toward something like confusion or.. hurt. ]
I'm.. [ Has he been rejected before he'd even had a chance to confess? Being how he is, he's spent more than enough time wondering and casually plotting how he'd make it known, and it had been impossibly romantic and embarrassingly touching in his head. Like this, even the chance has been robbed from him.. though perhaps he should have known. Nisaka is his best friend, it makes sense that he'd know already, but somehow Kuroo had never let himself imagine the terribleness of rejection. ]
I'm not asking for anything to change.
[ That much is true. Even if he wants it, he's not asking for it. ]
But I don't wanna lose you either. That's why we need to talk now. We've never lied to each other before, I don't wanna make a habit of it.
[ It's fine, this is fine, he can do this. He's grit his teeth through worse. He can do this if he gets his best friend back. ]
[ it is familiar, but only in essence. kuroo speaks, nisaka listens, they somehow reach a happy medium wherein they slot into each other's spaces to make up for what the other lacks or has no will to occupy. but everything else about this moment is foreign, and scary in that uncertainty. for once, the tension between them feels so thick he can barely breathe in it, or maybe he's just been holding his breath for too long out of anxiety anyway. either way, his mind feels light, dizzy, yet flooded with a million and one possibilities of how this talk can go wrong.
kuroo wants to speak, but nisaka isn't sure if he's ready to hear what the other boy has to say. nothing has to change, he says, but nisaka knows that's a lie. nothing ever just stays the same when someone has to ask to speak, to be listened to.
then again, haven't things have been changing between them for months now already...? maybe this is truly the inevitable.
and so he sucks it up. steels himself with a deep breath, a clenching of the fists at his sides. ]
[ Up until this point Kuroo had been so willing to talk, so ready to just let it all out that he'd been imagining those words on Nisaka's lips. Talk. Do it. Go on then. But now that it's been asked of him Kuroo finds his mouth dry and his brain empty of how exactly to do this without fucking things up even worse. He's already said he doesn't want things to change, has already made it quite clear that Nisaka means too much to him to carry on this weird half-truth thing they're doing and that clearly right now is an excellent time for that honest rambling Kuroo does when he's nervous or unsure of where to start. He knows all this and yet he still can't speak. He needs something to ease the tension, something to distract him.
He pauses for a moment looking like a frightened cat considering whether to jump across running water or dart across the road, and then he's moving and grabbing Nisaka's wrist to drag him along behind. ]
Come on, I need to- Just follow me.
[ Kuroo lets go at some point, but only when he's sure Nisaka isn't just going to stop and demand he speak. He's not refusing, he just... needs something to help him. The something becomes evident when he turns a corner and a dimly lit patch of green turf opens up before them. It's late, so it's empty save for a ball resting against one of the net posts, and Kuroo makes a beeline for it, lifting it up and exhaling like just by touching it he's been reminded of exactly what he wanted to say. It's time to stop the does he bullcrap and face the facts like a man. ]
I thought I could just ignore it at first. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, so I thought I'd never need to even acknowledge it was there. [ He aims for the basketball net and tosses the ball easily through the hoop, and scoops it up once it bounces softly toward him again. ] But it got difficult, like not giving it any attention made the need for it even worse. The more I tried to ignore it the more at risk I seemed to be getting. I couldn't even take normal classes at school without thinking about it.
[ Another shot, which lands without an issue, and is scooped up once more. ]
A guy at camp said maybe I just need to be honest, but like you said.. things can change. Even if we try not to let them, they will change. You can't just alter a key factor and expect to have the same results, it's basically guaranteed that something will change, and-- and I'm fucking terrified of that. I could fuck something up and we won't have a save point to go back to if that happens. We can't just reset things and start again knowing that it would be a bad idea to even try.
[ He shoots again, and the ball misses. He takes a little while longer to retrieve it this time. When he comes back to where he was standing, he doesn't pose to shoot again... he just stands there, spinning the ball weakly between two hands. ]
It could just be that time in our lives when everything seems appealing, y'know? Girls, weirdly shaped fruit, teachers, those annoying satisfying compilations on YouTube.. but I've tried to convince myself of so many excuses that I don't have any left in me. I can't stop thinking about it, about the possibility that I might be wrong.. that something could happen and actually be good and that all the shit I'm obsessing over is the same as the shit I talk myself out of before a match I'm gonna win. [ He's talking directly to the ball but only because his eyes seem to have forgotten how to find Nisaka's face, like they're afraid it'll take his words away again. ]
The uncertainty is killing me, and I should have talked to you before instead of a handful of days before school starts again, but. I've just gotta know.
[ He chances a look up, expression almost... vulnerable, which is a look Kuroo doesn't sport often. ]
If you don't want things to change, if... if you don't want to try, that's fine, but. How do you know unless you try?... Right?
[ as he's pulled, nisaka realizes dimly that this is always how it's been — kuroo moving, generating energy. a human whirlwind of passion and charisma that cannot help but sweep everything and everyone up in his path, a star too large not to create his own gravitational pull. nisaka had been helpless to stop falling into his gravity at eight years old and now, nearly a decade later, he is still just as weak. but now, in what he's come to accept as the last few moments of the life he's come to know, he can admit in the quiet of the night air that the fault does not and cannot lie entirely on kuroo himself. for nisaka had never really been a victim, but rather a willing participant, pliant without a trace of resistance. so when kuroo pulls him along, he follows forth, feet hastening in their pace to catch up to kuroo's longer strides like they've grown used to, body tilting into his shadow under every streetlight they pass by.
the night air is quiet, even with kuroo's rambling, even with the repetitive sounds of the other boy's necessary distraction. in the quiet nisaka listens, but also takes the time to admit to himself how foolish he'd been in thinking he could ever walk away from this. from him. kuroo will always pull, and he will always follow, and even when he pushes back his feet are moving him where he truly wants to be. out here, under the yellow light of a street light, watching his best friend make shot after shot like it takes no effort at all.
as every second passes, and every word slips out of his friend's mouth, nisaka can feel the last vestiges of his frustration evaporate. perhaps he should have made more of an effort to retain it, because yes, sure, that's talking, but is he even really saying anything? round and round and round he goes, round and round the basketball spins, and nisaka doesn't know if by the end they'd landed anywhere closer to where they need to be.
reflexively, he feels the need to chide his friend for it. to tell him there's no use in talking if he doesn't even know what to say, but what comes out instead is— ]
I'm gay.
[ his voice comes broken and fragile, like shattered glass, surprising even him. in the quiet of the night air he tries to be okay in his honesty, but every second that passes feels more like suffocation than a breath of fresh air. the vulnerability in kuroo's face is mirrored in his own, eyes too large to be able to hide the way they suddenly shine again. at his sides his hands clench and unclench, desperate for a basketball distraction of his own, but all they can find is the hem of his shirt, too thin and delicate like his voice. ]
I've known for a while...
[ he draws in a breath, and then another. blinks and feels a tear finally break free, trailing down his cheek. swallows and feels the clench of his chest from the lack of air, the pinpricks of anxiety and fear and the relief of finally finally being able to say it. ]
[ He hasn't been this nervous for years; the only time he can remember a feeling like this was his first match on the league tables. Nisaka caught him staring at his hand drawn lineup and said something Kuroo didn't catch, and when asked what was wrong the floodgate kind of opened which led to Kuroo spilling every concern and insecurity he'd basically ever had in his life out into his best friends unprepared arms. But Nisaka set him straight with a few simple words and a reassuring hand, setting his needle back in line where he'd skewed it by overthinking, and he'd done so unasked and gladly. With barely anything he settled the earthquake, doused the fire and reminded Kuroo of exactly what had brought him this far.
That was probably the moment for him, that he knew.
He'd been trying to settle things, lay out the facts and hope that the right words to say would fall into place so that Nisaka could say what he needed to say and this would straighten itself out but.. But then Nisaka says that and suddenly Kuroo has forgotten everything in the face of how real this is. It's not some nerves about a game, some teen angst in need of a little mollycoddling and comforting and then it'll all be better in an hour. This is different, and it's not something that's going to be fixed easily, if it's ever 'fixed' at all. ]
Shit.. [ It leaves him on an exhale because he's spent so long feeling rough over all of this when Nisaka has been dealing with something way bigger.. and by himself. Kuroo should have been there, should have said something sooner. But he's here now, right? He drops the basketball, stepping past it as it bounces softly between them and then rolls away, hands already coming up to brace Nisaka's trembling upper arms. ]
Hey, it's okay. [ Softly, but still with a kind of firmness that keeps him well away from being patronising. ] Fuck, Nisaka. You're not alone in this, you know that right? [ And he means it. Kuroo's own orientation - which, honestly, is about as much of a mess as his hairstyle - and feelings aside, Nisaka's well-being is of great importance to him. ] You could tell me you'd murdered a guy and I'd still be right here. Okay?
[ This is so much more than not knowing unless you try. There's so much more riding on this. ]
I'm sorry. I shoulda been better about this.. [ His hands squeeze as he searches for what to say, something simple and effective but ultimately knowing that no matter what it's probably going to come out clumsy and kind of cheesy. And it does. ] But.. honestly? It's kind of a relief.
[ A laugh, just a small one and breathless, obviously directed more at himself than anything else. ] It makes me feel less guilty about.. everything I've been feeling.
[ nerves doesn't even begin to cut it. nerves he has felt before, despite never occupying a position of importance on any team or organization. it's what he feels standing outside of the fitting room every time kuroo drags him off on another shopping trip, practicing how to school his features for when the other male inevitably walks out looking so painfully handsome; it's what he feels when the rest of the volleyball team begin talking about girls and getting girlfriends, and he waits on bated breath to hear how kuroo will respond; it's what he feels when a new movie comes out or a school activity comes up and students start to pair off and invite each other; it's what he feels whenever kuroo slings an arm around his shoulder, or brushes his hair out of his eyes with the gentles of touches.
nervous, he's felt before. but this? it's a storm inside he's never felt so fiercely, and he clings to it as much as he's afraid of it.
of course he hadn't known what to expect, despite having known the other boy for more than half their life. he doesn't know what to make of this reaction, which is also sort of a non-reaction, because sure his best friend had heard the part where he pretty much confessed his horrible gay feelings for him, right...? he isn't sure if he's more grateful or bewildered that he doesn't even make mention of it, instead focusing on the initial confession, but then again they're pretty startling revelations so maybe kuroo's just choosing to tackle them one at a time.
[ The whole being gay thing had kind of barged its way to the forefront of Kuroo's mind, so that when he takes a minute to assess in the wake of Nisaka's tentative question the facts left sitting in his lap are astounding enough that they kind of knock the air from him. Kuroo had said a lot of things about giving it a chance, about thinking about it, but never once had he referred to exactly what it was, and Kuroo knows better than anyone that being vague around Nisaka is a surefire way to either be misunderstood or ignored. He's the kind of guy who needs points delivered no nonsense, which is perhaps what first drew him to Kuroo's bad habit of being blunt, and Kuroo realises that now more than ever - if he values Nisaka's friendship and companionship and wants to make something of this hole they've both dug into and found themselves in - he needs to be clear.
That, and.. Nisaka had confessed to liking him back there, hadn't he? None of the lack of clarity Kuroo had shown; he'd come out and said it in a way Kuroo couldn't ignore (even if his brain had been distracted momentarily), couldn't misunderstand. I like you, I like you.. For a moment his heart feels too big for his chest, like thoughts are leaking from his brain and clogging it to make it slow and heavy, but in the best way. Nisaka likes him, him, Kuroo, who had been so afraid of scaring Nisaka off that he'd sworn himself to secrecy for no reason other than stupid fear, a stupid fear that had now been abolished and---
He needs to return the favour, but Kuroo is no good with words, and he can't exactly say the same thing back because.. his feelings have been muddled for years, resting in this sort of bisexual gray area that leans toward guys but only certain ones, and leans toward girls only in certain occasions, at certain times. Besides from all that, the way he feels about Nisaka is different.. it feels like more than just those highschool infatuations the members of his team experience, it feels bigger than that.
Kuroo does the only thing he can think of doing that will assure Nisaka of what he's been feeling, what he's feeling right now, what he'd meant when he'd spoken about giving it a try, about feeling it for months. He uses the hands he has on Nisaka's shoulders to reel him in a little closer; he lifts one up to his chin before they collide, lifting it just a fraction higher so that when Kuroo leans down and quickly kisses him the movement is a smooth one.
Not a second later after Kuroo has pulled back does his pulse suddenly soar in his ears, sending blood to flood his face and neck and ears as he stares at Nisaka's face like a startled cat. It had been a good idea in theory, but now the knowledge that he'd just kissed his best friend by way of confession like they're in some kind of teenage romcom has hit him and he can only imagine the possible fall out from something so ridiculously naive. ]
Shit. I-- [ No. No uncertainty. Not now. Kuroo does his best to look determined, but his blood seems to vibrate in his veins, out of fear or sheer adrenaline. I've been feeling.. Try again. A long pause, then a heavy exhale and a tightened hand give him strength to say it, finally. ]
I like you. Too. I mean, I more than like you. I like you like-- I like you. Like that. Like-- well, y'know.
[ right around that time, nisaka's brain short-circuits.
though, perhaps that isn't very fair. it isn't really easy to say at which point his brain decides to check out, as if someone had reached in and pulled the plug where it connects to the rest of his body, so that all parts seem to fizzle and blank out like the black of a shut-off television screen. it could have been anywhere from the first sign of kuroo's movement, to the very last word he utters, but all signs point to the cause being kuroo himself, so maybe it doesn't really matter where or when it happened, just that it did, and with who.
somewhere in the storm of his feelings he is kissed, and he wishes he could say it was his first, or even his fourth, but those moments belong to other people in his past, though he thinks this fifth may be the most formative yet. it's been the one he's been dreaming about for years now, anyway, so much so that it is both fulfilling yet anticlimactic. there is no grand swelling of music, no 360-camera angles like in those ridiculous dramas his mother loves to devote her evenings to, and though he knew better than to expect anything like that, he can't help the part of his heart that deflates a little when there is just a simple press of lips, a warm hand to his chin. it's all too fleeting, much too temporary and short to be satisfying, so much so that he finds himself more upset that it ends than the fact it had happened without warning in the first place.
still, his body reacts to the thought of it. cheeks flushing pink while the rest of his face drains of color. eyes widening, a hand flying up to cover his gaping mouth. kuroo just kissed him, stole a kiss from him really, and now he's confessing to his own feelings in turn? did he fall? did he hit his head and now he's hallucinating? none of this makes sense; his brain keeps screaming at him, since when? since when?? ]
Y... You...
[ rather suddenly, he remembers his frustration. his other hand juts out, slamming palm-first into kuroo's chest, but he's much to weak to muster up anything more than a slap. his vision blurs, and he can't tell if he's crying because his childhood best friend and crush likes him back... or that he hadn't even thought to use his tongue. what the hell. ]
Since when did you like boys!?
[ it's... not exactly the most pressing question of his, but it winds up being the first one to tumble out of his mouth. ]
[ If Kuroo had been thinking a little more confidently, with some of that foolish bravery he's well known for, then he might have thought situation couldn't really go wrong since Nisaka had already confessed and he'd done the same. There was no real opportunity for confusion or rebuttal or refusal, which explains why Kuroo's weak heart starts that familiar pitter-pattering of excitement, his body feeling like an elastic band ready to spring back into shape, just like he does before a game. And then Nisaka pushes him and definitely does not look happy and starts crying and everything in Kuroo surges forward like some ridiculous mother hen, desperate to fix it and make it better but ultimately failing step one because how? How when the cause of the problem is so baffling to him?
Kuroo is certain he's messed this up. Yet again he's aimed for too much too fast, expected more than is realistic just like he does in matches and at school; only now he doesn't have a team or a coach, or tutors or Nisaka to warn him off getting carried away and to steer him back on the right path. He's making decisions for himself here, and Kuroo's track record with managing relationships isn't exactly stellar; they never last long for him, and through whatever reason his handling of the situation always seems to be the catalyst. Doing that with Nisaka quickly douses the residual excitement still swarming in his chest at the knowledge that Nisaka likes him back.
He blinks in stunned confusion for a moment or two, but his expression soon turns to guilt or sadness or some amalgamation of the two. What was he thinking, really, kissing him like that? Now he's ruined what might have been his only chance by getting caught up in some bullshit fantasy where a kiss can solve all the problems and uncertainties and make everything easier. ]
I- [ When had he started liking boys? Was there a moment, a first, a time where he cognitively thought huh, I'd kiss a dude? There really isn't, and Kuroo doesn't know how to explain that it's always kind of been there and that the only reason he didn't talk about it before is because up until now Kuroo had no inclination that his best friend who's very popular with the girls might not have appreciated the attention.
Which brings his thoughts to another point. Nisaka doesn't really have much of a right to look mad since it's not like Kuroo has known all along about the way he swings. And, as he starts to think about that, he realises that this evening had all started because of what Kuroo had said. He'd basically confessed to feeling the same way as Nisaka already, had gone on and on in his rambling way about dealing with those feelings at school and the fear of not knowing, and still Nisaka is looking at him like he's brought this up out of nowhere.
Kuroo drags a hand through his hair, making it look less like a styled mess and more like a mess-mess. ]
I dunno since when, since always, I've never not thought about it, the same way I've never not thought about dating girls. Girls are just easier, it comes more natural but I've always thought about guys like-- [ He's rambling again, so he quickly shuts his mouth once he lets out a soft curse of frustration- ] Shit.
[ He turns from Nisaka, hands in his hair again, expression hard to place; is it frustration, anger, guilt? ]
I don't know what you want from me here. Are you just convincing yourself that things can't be how you want them to be just out of some weird self-torture thing? Are you punishing yourself on purpose here or what? Were you even listening to what I said before, about not being able to ignore the way I feel, or were you just tuning me out? [ ... ] Nisaka, I talked to a guy at camp about you, the first person I've actually talked to about it and it was fucking hard, I was terrified. Almost as terrified as I was telling you back there. He told me I should be honest but even when I'm honest you don't believe me and I don't know how else to explain it; I like you, I dunno how long I've liked you, I dunno how long I've liked guys, and I dunno how long I can cope with keeping all of these stupid fucking secrets.
[ He's willing himself not to cry, but knowing Nisaka is crying is making it more and more difficult. Part of him just wants to tell him to forget the whole thing so that maybe they can go back to normal, but an even bigger part of him - a more selfish part - knows he won't be happy now with 'normal'. ]
Does it even matter how long I've liked guys? I mean, really? Who fucking cares? [ So much for that not crying thing, he can feel it starting in his nose, prickling at his eyes. ] I've never liked anyone like this, like I like you. That's all that should matter.
[ in truth, they're not as dissimilar as one might think. both a little more wicked than one might initially expect, both just as prone to shoving their feet into their mouths. credit to kuroo, he definitely handled nisaka's coming out much better than nisaka himself, which is hilarious in its irony, if 'hilarious' also means 'tragically painful.' kuroo comes out to him and confesses his feelings all in the same breath, and only now does nisaka realize how unfair he'd been in doing the same, because how does one even process those kind of things without making a complete fool out of yourself first?
nisaka definitely doesn't know. he flinches, because kuroo's reaction is like a physical slap to his face. a knee to his gut, a blow to his eye. his guilty brain automatically supplies him with the thought that he's never seen his best friend cry before, which he immediately recognizes as a bold-faced lie. he's seen kuroo cry plenty times before, because the boy holds his heart on his sleeve far more brazenly than he likes to think he does but not once, his brain is quick to supply, had he ever cried because of nisaka himself. since their friendship began, nisaka knew he'd never provide much in the way of protection — kuroo was always taller, broader, stronger, steadier — but he had sworn to at least ensure his own barbed tongue would never lash out at his best friend's expense. that if there were ever anything nisaka could protect him from, it'd be from nisaka himself.
but now... ]
I'm sorry, [ he ends up gasping around a breath, catching somewhere in the back of his throat. ] You're right, i — I'm sorry—
[ he steps forward, closing the gap between them. it makes it easier for him to reach up, swipe a thumb beneath kuroo's eye just as the first tear sheds, but then his hands are falling to clutch at the other boy's shirt not too long after, as if half-convinced the gesture would be the straw on the camel's back. he draws in a shuddering shy, suddenly tired. elated, relieved, terrified, but mostly tired. his head falls to the sloping line of kuroo's shoulder, his breath warm when he sighs out. ]
I spent so long preparing myself for the worst... I don't really know how to handle the best.
[ kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. in no universe did he ever imagine for this to happen, that he might actually have such luck... instinct would have him run away from it; question his good fortune until it went away, and he's left as miserable as he'd prepared for. instead he's holding on, clinging as desperately to this opportunity as he is to kuroo's shirt, though the fabric feels thin, delicate in between his fingers. ]
[ Despite the slow tears dripping off Kuroo's chin he's doing pretty okay, all things considered, until the moment he hears Nisaka apologise. It's quite characteristic, really, for Nisaka to take all the blame and guilt and weight of this situation onto himself and in a sudden breath-taking burst of emotions too tumultuous for Kuroo to accurately categorise he realises that the last thing he wants Nisaka to feel right now is guilt, or regret, or like this is something he deserves and all he can ask is how -- how in the world hadn't he noticed Nisaka getting twisted up by this, why hadn't he asked, why hadn't he fixed this sooner? He'd been afraid of the possibility, afraid of Nisaka leaving or breaking the perfect bond they have.. but now he's enlightened by the concrete knowledge that very little could break this. Even if Nisaka had turned him down, even if Kuroo didn't feel the same way, Kuroo clings to Nisaka just as hard as he does in return and like Nisaka Kuroo considers his best friend the source of his strength. Nisaka is the foundations that make sure Kuroo's walls stay standing, he's the mast to his ship, the heart keeping his blood pumping, keeping him alive.
Nisaka's thumb brushing away his tears makes time liquid, leaves tingles on Kuroo's skin, and in a smooth movement he's got his arms around Nisaka's shoulders and reels him in closer, pulling him tight against his chest and keeping him there like the embrace itself is speaking; I'm here, I've got you, I'm not letting you go. ]
You don't have to say sorry. Not to me. Not for anything. There's nothing you need to apologise for. Nothing.
[ He just holds him for a bit, a little longer. ]
This is fucking scary, though, right? [ He says eventually, voice low and followed by a nervous laugh. ] Having someone so special to you it feels like a vice.
[ He suddenly becomes aware of how tight he's holding Nisaka and pulls back a little. He doesn't ever stop touching him, though. He leaves his hands on his shoulders. It's like he's afraid he's going to disappear if he stops. ]
I'm.. sorry I ruined our first kiss.. That was kinda shitty of me.
[ he's been privy to kuroo's bear hugs before. the guy is normally very touchy in general, but most especially with his friends. often nisaka had found himself pretending that each lingering touch and hug and look could mean something, and now he realizes with a sharp tug in his chest that he doesn't have to pretend anymore. that he's known what it's felt like to be special in kuroo's heart this whole time. just the thought makes him want to cry all over again, but the evening's already had enough tears and so he nuzzles his face into the other boy's chest to ward the tingling behind his eyes away.
it is scary, but it's so exciting and freeing too, and maybe that makes it even scarier but nisaka wouldn't trade this feeling, this moment for anything else in the world. ]
You've been watching too many dramas, [ he chides gently, most of the words muffled by muscle anyway. his hands slip slowly from around his best friend's shirt, falling lower to settle a little tentatively on kuroo's waist.
his fingers twitch around the waistband of his pants a little guiltily. ]
Besides that... that wasn't really our first kiss.
[ He laughs, a little embarrassed and a lot relieved, because this feels normal and good and even though Nisaka is teasing him for what he said about his heart feeling like it's in a vice it's true but the tight feeling is easing with every second and being replaced by something warm and.. and Kuroo wants to stay here forever, with Nisaka's small but warm hands pressing into the small of his back, because his world has started turning again in this cold and quiet basketball court and he can't bring himself to pull away.
When Nisaka speaks up, though, Kuroo's heart skips a couple of beats.
If this were any other situation he could tease, reply with an eyebrow wiggle and an oh, it wasn't, was it? and probably kiss Nisaka right here and be kissed... but something is holding him back. Maybe it's the fact that his face is still kind of wet from tears, maybe it's that Nisaka's shoulders are chilled from the night air, maybe it's that every time Kuroo has thought about kissing Nisaka it's been... different. This is Nisaka giving him a second chance, and Kuroo won't mess it up this time. ]
Yeah, I guess not. [ The last thing he wants is for Nisaka to misunderstand and think Kuroo doesn't want to, though, so he smiles a quietly excited smile, his teeth playing at his lip before he forces himself away and catches one of Nisaka's hands by the cuff of his sleeve. ] We should go back, yeah? Get warmed up, before we freeze to death out here.
[ for all that nisaka has confessed to that evening, there is still a lot he hasn't actually said.
he wallows in it, of course. in the guilt that he is still holding back, when their mutual confessions should have not only opened up doors, but broken down entire dams. he should be more honest, more transparent, but even in his attempt to, he had been too shy, too hesitant. and now kuroo has misunderstood him, but he's done it in such a cute and charming way that nisaka can't really bare to confess now and ruin the moment.
so instead he musters up something of a smile. he'll find some time later to clarify... he's sure he will. besides, there are so many other things right now to think about. ]
...Yeah. [ he glances down at their hands, just inches away from touching. ] Your mom's probably worried, too.
[ Kuroo nods, and releases Nisaka's sleeve as he turns and starts walking back to his house. ]
Yeah, about you. We both know you're her favourite.
[ There's a strange kind of tension between them now, but it's charged and excited and Kuroo will gladly take this over the difficult one from before any day. He's still nervous and uncertain, of course, because admitting to liking someone isn't the same as giving them permission to hold your hand or touch them or anything like that, really, and Kuroo knows he's got a lot of questions to field with his best friend of little words but.. even that isn't enough to quell what's bubbling up in his chest, nor is it enough to stop him smiling like a giddy child.
Once back at Kuroo's home and with his mother keeping herself mysteriously out of the way as they both get inside, Kuroo leads the way quietly up the stairs.. only managing to talk again once he's shut the bedroom door behind them. He looks... almost embarrassed. There's clearly a story there.
But he's distracted by his room. More pointedly, by the plate and the smushed cake on the floor from where Nisaka stood up in a panic. Memories of what they'd both said flood back into Kuroo's mind - I can't trust myself around you, I missed you - bringing with them memories of the night at Nisaka's where Kuroo struggled with the realisation that his puppy love crush was becoming something a lot more matured in nature... but all of that feels miles away now, and Kuroo has to raise a hand to cover his mouth as he lets out a burst of laughter.
Kuroo's laugh often sounds more like a cackle, pointed at someone with the intention to jeer, but on rare occasions where happiness takes hold of him the sound is much more natural, bubbly, light.. This is one of those occasions, and Kuroo is clearly very happy. ]
[ he carries the guilt with him all the way back to the house, which seems so much closer now that they're heading back. he'd find the pointed absence of his friend's mother suspicious if he weren't too busy being eternally grateful for the reprieve, having half-convinced himself that they would be hit with a barrage of questions the moment they stepped inside the home. for as excited and relieved and anxious as he is for their shared step into this brave new world, nisaka isn't entirely sure how much of it he's ready to share with anybody else. having kept such secrets to himself for so long, it honestly feels like he'd already bared himself to enough people just in telling kuroo alone.
(though maybe that has more to do with the fact he's so easily begun to think of the other boy as his whole world in the past few years.)
when they get to the safety of kuroo's room, he is struck first by the familiarity of the space, but also in how very new it feels at the same time. like blinking the sleepiness out of your eyes, or walking through the edge of a fog — the scenery is still very much the same, but it is his perception that's changed. he isn't walking into this room as nisaka, kuroo's best friend. now he is in the room of the boy he likes, who likes him back, and the energy between them is like the air right before a storm: charged and electric, just waiting for the first raindrop to fall.
he spies the fallen cake on the floor by his feet, and his insides churn with further guilt. he'd been so childish, all those minutes ago, running away from his friend, his feelings. he half-turns to kuroo, lips twisting and ready to apologize for it when the sudden peal of laughter erupting from the taller boy has the words dying on his tongue. for a while he just gapes, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed in confusion.
then he seems to come back into himself, and his lips purse around a solemn nod. ]
Ah, so you've finally cracked.
[ he's comforted once more by the ease with which he can still poke fun at the other. things have changed, but they haven't changed. however, as kuroo's laughter continues on, he feels an itch in the back of his mind, impatient and wanting in on the joke. he reaches out, lightly poking his friend's side. ]
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but mostly, he's just confused. ]
You..?
[ his brows knit together, and it's clear the notion that any of the oddness between them had been kuroo's fault is a novel, if not utterly ridiculous one to him. ]
You didn't do anything wrong.
[ sure, he'd been rude to watabe. but he hadn't been any ruder than nisaka himself tends to be on the regular, so it's not like he could really find fault in that. and, yes, he may have made a few lewd or suggestive comments here and there, but. but that's just what happens. that's just what friends say to each other; he's heard similar passes tossed around between buddies before, that unspoken "no homo" always tacked on with the laugh that sound more like nails on a chalkboard to nisaka. it's not kuroo's fault that nisaka's so unfortunately gay for him that every joke weakens his resolve.
but kuroo is right about one thing. and it's what has nisaka looking back down at the cake on his knees, lips twisting guiltily. ]
I lied about my dad's manuscript. [ that much he can say. he can't very well tell the whole truth of it, can he? that would just make things even weirder... ]
I just thought it'd be a good idea if we spent a little less time together, that's all. It's... It's probably not good, right? We're almost graduated, but we're still stuck to each other like we were in fourth grade...
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He knew Nisaka had lied, so that isn't surprising, but what he says next definitely is. ]
We just spent two months apart. [ Kuroo says, looking right at Nisaka and levelling him with a confused but firm expression. ] I missed you like hell. Are you trying to tell me that's how it should be? Because I'm calling bullshit.
[ He'd seen Nisaka after he'd run to the bus stop, had seen his form kind of slouch back into being comfortable around someone, had seen him perk up at realising Kuroo would be around more often. Even he can't see that for anything other than what it is.. and now he's had enough of being uncertain. ]
What's wrong? If it's not something I've done, is it something you've done? Is it the guy from the cafe? Is he a better best friend than me or something? You're replacing me?
[ He's half joking, a bemused expression on his face, but there's a small ever so slight sliver of concern in his voice as though he's worried such an eventuality might be possible. Really, he's just concerned about what's bothering Nisaka. ]
1/3
Don't be stupid. [ he's giving the taller boy a look like he'd just declared loyalty to the flat earth society or something, both incredulous and dismissive. of course, his waning patience also makes his tongue a little looser, letting slip things he might have otherwise held onto a lot tighter. ] As if anyone can ever replace you. [ how he still manages to make that sound like an insult is a feat, really...
he's riled up now, at least. no longer holding back as much, angry enough to finally hold kuroo's gaze and try to pin him down with it, or maybe so startled and touched by the other boy's candor with regards to missing him that he feels the need to reciprocate in his own stupid, clumsy way. whatever the reason, he keeps talking, for better or for worse. ]
The point is I need to be a better best friend. [ if kuroo knew... if kuroo had any idea how often nisaka thought of him in less-than-innocent ways... he'd be disgusted and betrayed for sure. ]
And I can't do that when I can't even trust myself around yo—
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oh no...
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no—!
there comes a sudden loud screech followed by a collision of wood, kuroo's chair toppling to the ground in as the smaller boy suddenly jumps up to his feet, ready to bolt or throw up or, or something. ]
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The few seconds that follow Nisaka's words fly by in a whip of movement and colour that seems to disappear through Kuroo's fingers, but in that brief moment he manages to do two very important things; he stands up, and crosses the short distance between himself and Nisaka so he can put a hand firm on his shoulder, to stop him from doing what he inevitably wants to do and leaving the room and this house possibly never to return.
Then he starts to process the information. ]
Trust yourself? [ Kuroo frowns.. it sounds like Nisaka is implying something, but Kuroo's brain seems to be incapable of developing any more theories on the matter, as if it's so impossible it doesn't compute. The truth of the matter is that Kuroo has been worried about his own ability to trust himself around Nisaka, particularly after the night where he'd lay in his best friends bed with warmth spreading and pooling in his body, his mind carrying him off to sleep with sinful thoughts and fantasies he dare not think about with company around. Least of all when the subject of said fantasies was laying right beside him..
Kuroo had wondered for himself if distance and some time apart might have softened (heh) the tension a little, but if this had all been brought on by two months apart then clearly that isn't the best strategy.
He looks at Nisaka for a long moment, wondering if it's safe to hope, terrified of what it might do but ultimately doing it anyway, against all his better judgement and all of the warning bells in his head that tell him what a bad idea this is, how stupid he's being and how he'll look back on this later and curse himself for being so dumb. Nisaka has never given him a hint before, has always been so far removed from relationship talk that it seems like he's uninterested either way, and even knowing all that Kuroo's stupid heart flutters when he wonders if maybe, perhaps...
His mothers words ring in his head. Give him time to make up his mind. Not everyone jumps in feet first, not everyone has Kuroo's stupid bravery, his foolish bravado. Nisaka can take it or leave it, but first Kuroo needs to make the options clear to him... right? ]
If that's the case, then I should be a better best friend too.
[ Because he can't trust himself either. His first night back told him that much. ]
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[ nisaka is stuck. buried under the gentle weight of kuroo's hand, his searching gaze. he wonders if he'd actually died, just straight up embarrassed himself to death, or whatever, because he can't make sense of all that he's hearing, even though kuroo isn't really saying much.
what do you mean? he wants to scream. do you mean it the way i mean it? the logical part of his brain screams, yes, of course, how else can he mean it, but the other, louder part of his breath is shaking and crying, no you idiot, since when has life ever been that kind?? ]
I...
[ the air feels too thick in here, like there's no ventilation whatsoever. the window is open, letting in a faint evening breeze, but nisaka still feels like he's suffocating, throat working desperately to swallow back some air. ]
Sorry, I — need to go.
[ he can't stay here any longer. not alone, not so close, not with kuroo's hand on his shoulder and eyes pinning him down. any second longer and he'll faint, he knows it, and that's just not the hill he wants to die on right now, and so he jerks himself away from the touch before he can grow too comfortable with it. the plate he'd been holding clatters noisily against the desk when he sets it down, steps short but swift towards the door. he looks on the verge of a panic attack, but he still lingers there, hand on the knob.
he looks like he wants so say something, maybe even stay. but then he turns a little blue from the lack of air, and then he's whipping around, taking the stairs two at a time just to get out of there.
he can't do this right now. two seconds ago he thought his life was over, and now he's wondering if he could really be lucky enough to let it begin?? how is he even supposed to deal? ]
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He should have predicted Nisaka running away again. He should have made an effort to stop him, but it's difficult when you aren't completely sure if your best friend is running away from his own feelings or from you.
Had he got it wrong? If he hadn't meant what Kuroo foolishly hoped, then why had he stood up so fast? Kuroo had said something that could be considered normal too, back in the cafe, but had stood up so fast after it that all hope of brushing it off as normal was lost and he thought that was it, that Nisaka would figure it out and that he'd have a lot of explaining to do when the time came.
But instead Nisaka ran, as he always does, as he always has, refusing to let himself even get involved with things that require him getting too close or opening up any more than he absolutely has to. It's always been how things go, and it makes the rare moments where he does open up to Kuroo all the more special. But even then the older boy is sure there's always something Nisaka isn't telling him, always something that between them goes unsaid, that troubles Nisaka in a way Kuroo can't begin to imagine. In this situation Kuroo kind of has it easy; he wears his heart on his sleeve and though he can be expertly devious and sarcastic, he's emotive enough that it's definitely not difficult to tell when something is bothering him.. That's why he'd been sure, he'd been certain, that this situation was coming to a head, that tonight would be the night Kuroo would have to admit to what he's done, felt and thought, and that no matter what they'd sort this out.
And it will be. Kuroo is famously determined, has never given up on anything in his life, and Nisaka definitely won't be where he starts slipping. Besides, his brain thinks dimly, he's already fallen.
He races out of the house in a sudden burst of movement, and is surprised at how little time has actually passed when he gets to the top of the stairs and sees Nisaka at the bottom. Threat check: his mom is still downstairs, she won't let them leave if Kuroo starts yelling or looks even a little bit hassled. He bounds down the staircase and reaches for his coat. She's in the kitchen, he can tell by the clattering and the sound of running water. ]
Going for a walk, ma! Back in a bit! [ Is his voice shaking? Holy shit. Just to cover for that he opens the door with one hand, shoves Nisaka through it with the other, and closes it behind him. Then, he fixes Nisaka with a look ].
If you run, I'm just gonna follow you, and I don't wanna put any pressure on you so you might as well just stop and let me talk. Okay?
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kuroo's hand isn't on him anymore. technically he can still try to make a run for it.
but then kuroo will just run after and catch up to him again. like always.
he's trapped, essentially, but fortunately it's not to be probed or prodded. kuroo doesn't want him to stay to talk; he wants to be the one to talk, and while that gives the smaller boy a small sense of relief, he cannot help but feel his chest constrict in dread.
maybe that's why he says what he says. ]
You're my best friend, Kuroo. I — I don't want to change that. I can't lose you.
[ he can't. even if it means getting a little more of him for a short time. nisaka had been there the last time kuroo ended a relationship. not only does he not want to risk putting the other boy through that again, but he also cannot bear the thought of being on the other end of it. of hurting and depressing kuroo to the point where they can't even meet eyes across a room without things being difficult. he can't. ]
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But then Kuroo tastes something bitter in his mouth, his body kind of.. wilting where he stands. It's like the air has been sucked out of where they're standing, Kuroo's fingertips still paused on the handle of his door. It blacks out around where Nisaka is standing, his expression moving toward something like confusion or.. hurt. ]
I'm.. [ Has he been rejected before he'd even had a chance to confess? Being how he is, he's spent more than enough time wondering and casually plotting how he'd make it known, and it had been impossibly romantic and embarrassingly touching in his head. Like this, even the chance has been robbed from him.. though perhaps he should have known. Nisaka is his best friend, it makes sense that he'd know already, but somehow Kuroo had never let himself imagine the terribleness of rejection. ]
I'm not asking for anything to change.
[ That much is true. Even if he wants it, he's not asking for it. ]
But I don't wanna lose you either. That's why we need to talk now. We've never lied to each other before, I don't wanna make a habit of it.
[ It's fine, this is fine, he can do this. He's grit his teeth through worse. He can do this if he gets his best friend back. ]
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kuroo wants to speak, but nisaka isn't sure if he's ready to hear what the other boy has to say. nothing has to change, he says, but nisaka knows that's a lie. nothing ever just stays the same when someone has to ask to speak, to be listened to.
then again, haven't things have been changing between them for months now already...? maybe this is truly the inevitable.
and so he sucks it up. steels himself with a deep breath, a clenching of the fists at his sides. ]
So talk.
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He pauses for a moment looking like a frightened cat considering whether to jump across running water or dart across the road, and then he's moving and grabbing Nisaka's wrist to drag him along behind. ]
Come on, I need to- Just follow me.
[ Kuroo lets go at some point, but only when he's sure Nisaka isn't just going to stop and demand he speak. He's not refusing, he just... needs something to help him. The something becomes evident when he turns a corner and a dimly lit patch of green turf opens up before them. It's late, so it's empty save for a ball resting against one of the net posts, and Kuroo makes a beeline for it, lifting it up and exhaling like just by touching it he's been reminded of exactly what he wanted to say. It's time to stop the does he bullcrap and face the facts like a man. ]
I thought I could just ignore it at first. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, so I thought I'd never need to even acknowledge it was there. [ He aims for the basketball net and tosses the ball easily through the hoop, and scoops it up once it bounces softly toward him again. ] But it got difficult, like not giving it any attention made the need for it even worse. The more I tried to ignore it the more at risk I seemed to be getting. I couldn't even take normal classes at school without thinking about it.
[ Another shot, which lands without an issue, and is scooped up once more. ]
A guy at camp said maybe I just need to be honest, but like you said.. things can change. Even if we try not to let them, they will change. You can't just alter a key factor and expect to have the same results, it's basically guaranteed that something will change, and-- and I'm fucking terrified of that. I could fuck something up and we won't have a save point to go back to if that happens. We can't just reset things and start again knowing that it would be a bad idea to even try.
[ He shoots again, and the ball misses. He takes a little while longer to retrieve it this time. When he comes back to where he was standing, he doesn't pose to shoot again... he just stands there, spinning the ball weakly between two hands. ]
It could just be that time in our lives when everything seems appealing, y'know? Girls, weirdly shaped fruit, teachers, those annoying satisfying compilations on YouTube.. but I've tried to convince myself of so many excuses that I don't have any left in me. I can't stop thinking about it, about the possibility that I might be wrong.. that something could happen and actually be good and that all the shit I'm obsessing over is the same as the shit I talk myself out of before a match I'm gonna win. [ He's talking directly to the ball but only because his eyes seem to have forgotten how to find Nisaka's face, like they're afraid it'll take his words away again. ]
The uncertainty is killing me, and I should have talked to you before instead of a handful of days before school starts again, but. I've just gotta know.
[ He chances a look up, expression almost... vulnerable, which is a look Kuroo doesn't sport often. ]
If you don't want things to change, if... if you don't want to try, that's fine, but. How do you know unless you try?... Right?
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the night air is quiet, even with kuroo's rambling, even with the repetitive sounds of the other boy's necessary distraction. in the quiet nisaka listens, but also takes the time to admit to himself how foolish he'd been in thinking he could ever walk away from this. from him. kuroo will always pull, and he will always follow, and even when he pushes back his feet are moving him where he truly wants to be. out here, under the yellow light of a street light, watching his best friend make shot after shot like it takes no effort at all.
as every second passes, and every word slips out of his friend's mouth, nisaka can feel the last vestiges of his frustration evaporate. perhaps he should have made more of an effort to retain it, because yes, sure, that's talking, but is he even really saying anything? round and round and round he goes, round and round the basketball spins, and nisaka doesn't know if by the end they'd landed anywhere closer to where they need to be.
reflexively, he feels the need to chide his friend for it. to tell him there's no use in talking if he doesn't even know what to say, but what comes out instead is— ]
I'm gay.
[ his voice comes broken and fragile, like shattered glass, surprising even him. in the quiet of the night air he tries to be okay in his honesty, but every second that passes feels more like suffocation than a breath of fresh air. the vulnerability in kuroo's face is mirrored in his own, eyes too large to be able to hide the way they suddenly shine again. at his sides his hands clench and unclench, desperate for a basketball distraction of his own, but all they can find is the hem of his shirt, too thin and delicate like his voice. ]
I've known for a while...
[ he draws in a breath, and then another. blinks and feels a tear finally break free, trailing down his cheek. swallows and feels the clench of his chest from the lack of air, the pinpricks of anxiety and fear and the relief of finally finally being able to say it. ]
...About as long as I've known I liked you.
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That was probably the moment for him, that he knew.
He'd been trying to settle things, lay out the facts and hope that the right words to say would fall into place so that Nisaka could say what he needed to say and this would straighten itself out but.. But then Nisaka says that and suddenly Kuroo has forgotten everything in the face of how real this is. It's not some nerves about a game, some teen angst in need of a little mollycoddling and comforting and then it'll all be better in an hour. This is different, and it's not something that's going to be fixed easily, if it's ever 'fixed' at all. ]
Shit.. [ It leaves him on an exhale because he's spent so long feeling rough over all of this when Nisaka has been dealing with something way bigger.. and by himself. Kuroo should have been there, should have said something sooner. But he's here now, right? He drops the basketball, stepping past it as it bounces softly between them and then rolls away, hands already coming up to brace Nisaka's trembling upper arms. ]
Hey, it's okay. [ Softly, but still with a kind of firmness that keeps him well away from being patronising. ] Fuck, Nisaka. You're not alone in this, you know that right? [ And he means it. Kuroo's own orientation - which, honestly, is about as much of a mess as his hairstyle - and feelings aside, Nisaka's well-being is of great importance to him. ] You could tell me you'd murdered a guy and I'd still be right here. Okay?
[ This is so much more than not knowing unless you try. There's so much more riding on this. ]
I'm sorry. I shoulda been better about this.. [ His hands squeeze as he searches for what to say, something simple and effective but ultimately knowing that no matter what it's probably going to come out clumsy and kind of cheesy. And it does. ] But.. honestly? It's kind of a relief.
[ A laugh, just a small one and breathless, obviously directed more at himself than anything else. ] It makes me feel less guilty about.. everything I've been feeling.
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That, and.. Nisaka had confessed to liking him back there, hadn't he? None of the lack of clarity Kuroo had shown; he'd come out and said it in a way Kuroo couldn't ignore (even if his brain had been distracted momentarily), couldn't misunderstand. I like you, I like you.. For a moment his heart feels too big for his chest, like thoughts are leaking from his brain and clogging it to make it slow and heavy, but in the best way. Nisaka likes him, him, Kuroo, who had been so afraid of scaring Nisaka off that he'd sworn himself to secrecy for no reason other than stupid fear, a stupid fear that had now been abolished and---
He needs to return the favour, but Kuroo is no good with words, and he can't exactly say the same thing back because.. his feelings have been muddled for years, resting in this sort of bisexual gray area that leans toward guys but only certain ones, and leans toward girls only in certain occasions, at certain times. Besides from all that, the way he feels about Nisaka is different.. it feels like more than just those highschool infatuations the members of his team experience, it feels bigger than that.
Kuroo does the only thing he can think of doing that will assure Nisaka of what he's been feeling, what he's feeling right now, what he'd meant when he'd spoken about giving it a try, about feeling it for months. He uses the hands he has on Nisaka's shoulders to reel him in a little closer; he lifts one up to his chin before they collide, lifting it just a fraction higher so that when Kuroo leans down and quickly kisses him the movement is a smooth one.
Not a second later after Kuroo has pulled back does his pulse suddenly soar in his ears, sending blood to flood his face and neck and ears as he stares at Nisaka's face like a startled cat. It had been a good idea in theory, but now the knowledge that he'd just kissed his best friend by way of confession like they're in some kind of teenage romcom has hit him and he can only imagine the possible fall out from something so ridiculously naive. ]
Shit. I-- [ No. No uncertainty. Not now. Kuroo does his best to look determined, but his blood seems to vibrate in his veins, out of fear or sheer adrenaline. I've been feeling.. Try again. A long pause, then a heavy exhale and a tightened hand give him strength to say it, finally. ]
I like you. Too. I mean, I more than like you. I like you like-- I like you. Like that. Like-- well, y'know.
[ He tried, at least. ]
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writes an essay
Kuroo is certain he's messed this up. Yet again he's aimed for too much too fast, expected more than is realistic just like he does in matches and at school; only now he doesn't have a team or a coach, or tutors or Nisaka to warn him off getting carried away and to steer him back on the right path. He's making decisions for himself here, and Kuroo's track record with managing relationships isn't exactly stellar; they never last long for him, and through whatever reason his handling of the situation always seems to be the catalyst. Doing that with Nisaka quickly douses the residual excitement still swarming in his chest at the knowledge that Nisaka likes him back.
He blinks in stunned confusion for a moment or two, but his expression soon turns to guilt or sadness or some amalgamation of the two. What was he thinking, really, kissing him like that? Now he's ruined what might have been his only chance by getting caught up in some bullshit fantasy where a kiss can solve all the problems and uncertainties and make everything easier. ]
I- [ When had he started liking boys? Was there a moment, a first, a time where he cognitively thought huh, I'd kiss a dude? There really isn't, and Kuroo doesn't know how to explain that it's always kind of been there and that the only reason he didn't talk about it before is because up until now Kuroo had no inclination that his best friend who's very popular with the girls might not have appreciated the attention.
Which brings his thoughts to another point. Nisaka doesn't really have much of a right to look mad since it's not like Kuroo has known all along about the way he swings. And, as he starts to think about that, he realises that this evening had all started because of what Kuroo had said. He'd basically confessed to feeling the same way as Nisaka already, had gone on and on in his rambling way about dealing with those feelings at school and the fear of not knowing, and still Nisaka is looking at him like he's brought this up out of nowhere.
Kuroo drags a hand through his hair, making it look less like a styled mess and more like a mess-mess. ]
I dunno since when, since always, I've never not thought about it, the same way I've never not thought about dating girls. Girls are just easier, it comes more natural but I've always thought about guys like-- [ He's rambling again, so he quickly shuts his mouth once he lets out a soft curse of frustration- ] Shit.
[ He turns from Nisaka, hands in his hair again, expression hard to place; is it frustration, anger, guilt? ]
I don't know what you want from me here. Are you just convincing yourself that things can't be how you want them to be just out of some weird self-torture thing? Are you punishing yourself on purpose here or what? Were you even listening to what I said before, about not being able to ignore the way I feel, or were you just tuning me out? [ ... ] Nisaka, I talked to a guy at camp about you, the first person I've actually talked to about it and it was fucking hard, I was terrified. Almost as terrified as I was telling you back there. He told me I should be honest but even when I'm honest you don't believe me and I don't know how else to explain it; I like you, I dunno how long I've liked you, I dunno how long I've liked guys, and I dunno how long I can cope with keeping all of these stupid fucking secrets.
[ He's willing himself not to cry, but knowing Nisaka is crying is making it more and more difficult. Part of him just wants to tell him to forget the whole thing so that maybe they can go back to normal, but an even bigger part of him - a more selfish part - knows he won't be happy now with 'normal'. ]
Does it even matter how long I've liked guys? I mean, really? Who fucking cares? [ So much for that not crying thing, he can feel it starting in his nose, prickling at his eyes. ] I've never liked anyone like this, like I like you. That's all that should matter.
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nisaka definitely doesn't know. he flinches, because kuroo's reaction is like a physical slap to his face. a knee to his gut, a blow to his eye. his guilty brain automatically supplies him with the thought that he's never seen his best friend cry before, which he immediately recognizes as a bold-faced lie. he's seen kuroo cry plenty times before, because the boy holds his heart on his sleeve far more brazenly than he likes to think he does but not once, his brain is quick to supply, had he ever cried because of nisaka himself. since their friendship began, nisaka knew he'd never provide much in the way of protection — kuroo was always taller, broader, stronger, steadier — but he had sworn to at least ensure his own barbed tongue would never lash out at his best friend's expense. that if there were ever anything nisaka could protect him from, it'd be from nisaka himself.
but now... ]
I'm sorry, [ he ends up gasping around a breath, catching somewhere in the back of his throat. ] You're right, i — I'm sorry—
[ he steps forward, closing the gap between them. it makes it easier for him to reach up, swipe a thumb beneath kuroo's eye just as the first tear sheds, but then his hands are falling to clutch at the other boy's shirt not too long after, as if half-convinced the gesture would be the straw on the camel's back. he draws in a shuddering shy, suddenly tired. elated, relieved, terrified, but mostly tired. his head falls to the sloping line of kuroo's shoulder, his breath warm when he sighs out. ]
I spent so long preparing myself for the worst... I don't really know how to handle the best.
[ kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. in no universe did he ever imagine for this to happen, that he might actually have such luck... instinct would have him run away from it; question his good fortune until it went away, and he's left as miserable as he'd prepared for. instead he's holding on, clinging as desperately to this opportunity as he is to kuroo's shirt, though the fabric feels thin, delicate in between his fingers. ]
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Nisaka's thumb brushing away his tears makes time liquid, leaves tingles on Kuroo's skin, and in a smooth movement he's got his arms around Nisaka's shoulders and reels him in closer, pulling him tight against his chest and keeping him there like the embrace itself is speaking; I'm here, I've got you, I'm not letting you go. ]
You don't have to say sorry. Not to me. Not for anything. There's nothing you need to apologise for. Nothing.
[ He just holds him for a bit, a little longer. ]
This is fucking scary, though, right? [ He says eventually, voice low and followed by a nervous laugh. ] Having someone so special to you it feels like a vice.
[ He suddenly becomes aware of how tight he's holding Nisaka and pulls back a little. He doesn't ever stop touching him, though. He leaves his hands on his shoulders. It's like he's afraid he's going to disappear if he stops. ]
I'm.. sorry I ruined our first kiss.. That was kinda shitty of me.
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it is scary, but it's so exciting and freeing too, and maybe that makes it even scarier but nisaka wouldn't trade this feeling, this moment for anything else in the world. ]
You've been watching too many dramas, [ he chides gently, most of the words muffled by muscle anyway. his hands slip slowly from around his best friend's shirt, falling lower to settle a little tentatively on kuroo's waist.
his fingers twitch around the waistband of his pants a little guiltily. ]
Besides that... that wasn't really our first kiss.
[ ...................................... ]
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When Nisaka speaks up, though, Kuroo's heart skips a couple of beats.
If this were any other situation he could tease, reply with an eyebrow wiggle and an oh, it wasn't, was it? and probably kiss Nisaka right here and be kissed... but something is holding him back. Maybe it's the fact that his face is still kind of wet from tears, maybe it's that Nisaka's shoulders are chilled from the night air, maybe it's that every time Kuroo has thought about kissing Nisaka it's been... different. This is Nisaka giving him a second chance, and Kuroo won't mess it up this time. ]
Yeah, I guess not. [ The last thing he wants is for Nisaka to misunderstand and think Kuroo doesn't want to, though, so he smiles a quietly excited smile, his teeth playing at his lip before he forces himself away and catches one of Nisaka's hands by the cuff of his sleeve. ] We should go back, yeah? Get warmed up, before we freeze to death out here.
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he wallows in it, of course. in the guilt that he is still holding back, when their mutual confessions should have not only opened up doors, but broken down entire dams. he should be more honest, more transparent, but even in his attempt to, he had been too shy, too hesitant. and now kuroo has misunderstood him, but he's done it in such a cute and charming way that nisaka can't really bare to confess now and ruin the moment.
so instead he musters up something of a smile. he'll find some time later to clarify... he's sure he will. besides, there are so many other things right now to think about. ]
...Yeah. [ he glances down at their hands, just inches away from touching. ] Your mom's probably worried, too.
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Yeah, about you. We both know you're her favourite.
[ There's a strange kind of tension between them now, but it's charged and excited and Kuroo will gladly take this over the difficult one from before any day. He's still nervous and uncertain, of course, because admitting to liking someone isn't the same as giving them permission to hold your hand or touch them or anything like that, really, and Kuroo knows he's got a lot of questions to field with his best friend of little words but.. even that isn't enough to quell what's bubbling up in his chest, nor is it enough to stop him smiling like a giddy child.
Once back at Kuroo's home and with his mother keeping herself mysteriously out of the way as they both get inside, Kuroo leads the way quietly up the stairs.. only managing to talk again once he's shut the bedroom door behind them. He looks... almost embarrassed. There's clearly a story there.
But he's distracted by his room. More pointedly, by the plate and the smushed cake on the floor from where Nisaka stood up in a panic. Memories of what they'd both said flood back into Kuroo's mind - I can't trust myself around you, I missed you - bringing with them memories of the night at Nisaka's where Kuroo struggled with the realisation that his puppy love crush was becoming something a lot more matured in nature... but all of that feels miles away now, and Kuroo has to raise a hand to cover his mouth as he lets out a burst of laughter.
Kuroo's laugh often sounds more like a cackle, pointed at someone with the intention to jeer, but on rare occasions where happiness takes hold of him the sound is much more natural, bubbly, light.. This is one of those occasions, and Kuroo is clearly very happy. ]
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(though maybe that has more to do with the fact he's so easily begun to think of the other boy as his whole world in the past few years.)
when they get to the safety of kuroo's room, he is struck first by the familiarity of the space, but also in how very new it feels at the same time. like blinking the sleepiness out of your eyes, or walking through the edge of a fog — the scenery is still very much the same, but it is his perception that's changed. he isn't walking into this room as nisaka, kuroo's best friend. now he is in the room of the boy he likes, who likes him back, and the energy between them is like the air right before a storm: charged and electric, just waiting for the first raindrop to fall.
he spies the fallen cake on the floor by his feet, and his insides churn with further guilt. he'd been so childish, all those minutes ago, running away from his friend, his feelings. he half-turns to kuroo, lips twisting and ready to apologize for it when the sudden peal of laughter erupting from the taller boy has the words dying on his tongue. for a while he just gapes, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed in confusion.
then he seems to come back into himself, and his lips purse around a solemn nod. ]
Ah, so you've finally cracked.
[ he's comforted once more by the ease with which he can still poke fun at the other. things have changed, but they haven't changed. however, as kuroo's laughter continues on, he feels an itch in the back of his mind, impatient and wanting in on the joke. he reaches out, lightly poking his friend's side. ]
What?
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