[ it is familiar, but only in essence. kuroo speaks, nisaka listens, they somehow reach a happy medium wherein they slot into each other's spaces to make up for what the other lacks or has no will to occupy. but everything else about this moment is foreign, and scary in that uncertainty. for once, the tension between them feels so thick he can barely breathe in it, or maybe he's just been holding his breath for too long out of anxiety anyway. either way, his mind feels light, dizzy, yet flooded with a million and one possibilities of how this talk can go wrong.
kuroo wants to speak, but nisaka isn't sure if he's ready to hear what the other boy has to say. nothing has to change, he says, but nisaka knows that's a lie. nothing ever just stays the same when someone has to ask to speak, to be listened to.
then again, haven't things have been changing between them for months now already...? maybe this is truly the inevitable.
and so he sucks it up. steels himself with a deep breath, a clenching of the fists at his sides. ]
[ Up until this point Kuroo had been so willing to talk, so ready to just let it all out that he'd been imagining those words on Nisaka's lips. Talk. Do it. Go on then. But now that it's been asked of him Kuroo finds his mouth dry and his brain empty of how exactly to do this without fucking things up even worse. He's already said he doesn't want things to change, has already made it quite clear that Nisaka means too much to him to carry on this weird half-truth thing they're doing and that clearly right now is an excellent time for that honest rambling Kuroo does when he's nervous or unsure of where to start. He knows all this and yet he still can't speak. He needs something to ease the tension, something to distract him.
He pauses for a moment looking like a frightened cat considering whether to jump across running water or dart across the road, and then he's moving and grabbing Nisaka's wrist to drag him along behind. ]
Come on, I need to- Just follow me.
[ Kuroo lets go at some point, but only when he's sure Nisaka isn't just going to stop and demand he speak. He's not refusing, he just... needs something to help him. The something becomes evident when he turns a corner and a dimly lit patch of green turf opens up before them. It's late, so it's empty save for a ball resting against one of the net posts, and Kuroo makes a beeline for it, lifting it up and exhaling like just by touching it he's been reminded of exactly what he wanted to say. It's time to stop the does he bullcrap and face the facts like a man. ]
I thought I could just ignore it at first. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, so I thought I'd never need to even acknowledge it was there. [ He aims for the basketball net and tosses the ball easily through the hoop, and scoops it up once it bounces softly toward him again. ] But it got difficult, like not giving it any attention made the need for it even worse. The more I tried to ignore it the more at risk I seemed to be getting. I couldn't even take normal classes at school without thinking about it.
[ Another shot, which lands without an issue, and is scooped up once more. ]
A guy at camp said maybe I just need to be honest, but like you said.. things can change. Even if we try not to let them, they will change. You can't just alter a key factor and expect to have the same results, it's basically guaranteed that something will change, and-- and I'm fucking terrified of that. I could fuck something up and we won't have a save point to go back to if that happens. We can't just reset things and start again knowing that it would be a bad idea to even try.
[ He shoots again, and the ball misses. He takes a little while longer to retrieve it this time. When he comes back to where he was standing, he doesn't pose to shoot again... he just stands there, spinning the ball weakly between two hands. ]
It could just be that time in our lives when everything seems appealing, y'know? Girls, weirdly shaped fruit, teachers, those annoying satisfying compilations on YouTube.. but I've tried to convince myself of so many excuses that I don't have any left in me. I can't stop thinking about it, about the possibility that I might be wrong.. that something could happen and actually be good and that all the shit I'm obsessing over is the same as the shit I talk myself out of before a match I'm gonna win. [ He's talking directly to the ball but only because his eyes seem to have forgotten how to find Nisaka's face, like they're afraid it'll take his words away again. ]
The uncertainty is killing me, and I should have talked to you before instead of a handful of days before school starts again, but. I've just gotta know.
[ He chances a look up, expression almost... vulnerable, which is a look Kuroo doesn't sport often. ]
If you don't want things to change, if... if you don't want to try, that's fine, but. How do you know unless you try?... Right?
[ as he's pulled, nisaka realizes dimly that this is always how it's been — kuroo moving, generating energy. a human whirlwind of passion and charisma that cannot help but sweep everything and everyone up in his path, a star too large not to create his own gravitational pull. nisaka had been helpless to stop falling into his gravity at eight years old and now, nearly a decade later, he is still just as weak. but now, in what he's come to accept as the last few moments of the life he's come to know, he can admit in the quiet of the night air that the fault does not and cannot lie entirely on kuroo himself. for nisaka had never really been a victim, but rather a willing participant, pliant without a trace of resistance. so when kuroo pulls him along, he follows forth, feet hastening in their pace to catch up to kuroo's longer strides like they've grown used to, body tilting into his shadow under every streetlight they pass by.
the night air is quiet, even with kuroo's rambling, even with the repetitive sounds of the other boy's necessary distraction. in the quiet nisaka listens, but also takes the time to admit to himself how foolish he'd been in thinking he could ever walk away from this. from him. kuroo will always pull, and he will always follow, and even when he pushes back his feet are moving him where he truly wants to be. out here, under the yellow light of a street light, watching his best friend make shot after shot like it takes no effort at all.
as every second passes, and every word slips out of his friend's mouth, nisaka can feel the last vestiges of his frustration evaporate. perhaps he should have made more of an effort to retain it, because yes, sure, that's talking, but is he even really saying anything? round and round and round he goes, round and round the basketball spins, and nisaka doesn't know if by the end they'd landed anywhere closer to where they need to be.
reflexively, he feels the need to chide his friend for it. to tell him there's no use in talking if he doesn't even know what to say, but what comes out instead is— ]
I'm gay.
[ his voice comes broken and fragile, like shattered glass, surprising even him. in the quiet of the night air he tries to be okay in his honesty, but every second that passes feels more like suffocation than a breath of fresh air. the vulnerability in kuroo's face is mirrored in his own, eyes too large to be able to hide the way they suddenly shine again. at his sides his hands clench and unclench, desperate for a basketball distraction of his own, but all they can find is the hem of his shirt, too thin and delicate like his voice. ]
I've known for a while...
[ he draws in a breath, and then another. blinks and feels a tear finally break free, trailing down his cheek. swallows and feels the clench of his chest from the lack of air, the pinpricks of anxiety and fear and the relief of finally finally being able to say it. ]
[ He hasn't been this nervous for years; the only time he can remember a feeling like this was his first match on the league tables. Nisaka caught him staring at his hand drawn lineup and said something Kuroo didn't catch, and when asked what was wrong the floodgate kind of opened which led to Kuroo spilling every concern and insecurity he'd basically ever had in his life out into his best friends unprepared arms. But Nisaka set him straight with a few simple words and a reassuring hand, setting his needle back in line where he'd skewed it by overthinking, and he'd done so unasked and gladly. With barely anything he settled the earthquake, doused the fire and reminded Kuroo of exactly what had brought him this far.
That was probably the moment for him, that he knew.
He'd been trying to settle things, lay out the facts and hope that the right words to say would fall into place so that Nisaka could say what he needed to say and this would straighten itself out but.. But then Nisaka says that and suddenly Kuroo has forgotten everything in the face of how real this is. It's not some nerves about a game, some teen angst in need of a little mollycoddling and comforting and then it'll all be better in an hour. This is different, and it's not something that's going to be fixed easily, if it's ever 'fixed' at all. ]
Shit.. [ It leaves him on an exhale because he's spent so long feeling rough over all of this when Nisaka has been dealing with something way bigger.. and by himself. Kuroo should have been there, should have said something sooner. But he's here now, right? He drops the basketball, stepping past it as it bounces softly between them and then rolls away, hands already coming up to brace Nisaka's trembling upper arms. ]
Hey, it's okay. [ Softly, but still with a kind of firmness that keeps him well away from being patronising. ] Fuck, Nisaka. You're not alone in this, you know that right? [ And he means it. Kuroo's own orientation - which, honestly, is about as much of a mess as his hairstyle - and feelings aside, Nisaka's well-being is of great importance to him. ] You could tell me you'd murdered a guy and I'd still be right here. Okay?
[ This is so much more than not knowing unless you try. There's so much more riding on this. ]
I'm sorry. I shoulda been better about this.. [ His hands squeeze as he searches for what to say, something simple and effective but ultimately knowing that no matter what it's probably going to come out clumsy and kind of cheesy. And it does. ] But.. honestly? It's kind of a relief.
[ A laugh, just a small one and breathless, obviously directed more at himself than anything else. ] It makes me feel less guilty about.. everything I've been feeling.
[ nerves doesn't even begin to cut it. nerves he has felt before, despite never occupying a position of importance on any team or organization. it's what he feels standing outside of the fitting room every time kuroo drags him off on another shopping trip, practicing how to school his features for when the other male inevitably walks out looking so painfully handsome; it's what he feels when the rest of the volleyball team begin talking about girls and getting girlfriends, and he waits on bated breath to hear how kuroo will respond; it's what he feels when a new movie comes out or a school activity comes up and students start to pair off and invite each other; it's what he feels whenever kuroo slings an arm around his shoulder, or brushes his hair out of his eyes with the gentles of touches.
nervous, he's felt before. but this? it's a storm inside he's never felt so fiercely, and he clings to it as much as he's afraid of it.
of course he hadn't known what to expect, despite having known the other boy for more than half their life. he doesn't know what to make of this reaction, which is also sort of a non-reaction, because sure his best friend had heard the part where he pretty much confessed his horrible gay feelings for him, right...? he isn't sure if he's more grateful or bewildered that he doesn't even make mention of it, instead focusing on the initial confession, but then again they're pretty startling revelations so maybe kuroo's just choosing to tackle them one at a time.
[ The whole being gay thing had kind of barged its way to the forefront of Kuroo's mind, so that when he takes a minute to assess in the wake of Nisaka's tentative question the facts left sitting in his lap are astounding enough that they kind of knock the air from him. Kuroo had said a lot of things about giving it a chance, about thinking about it, but never once had he referred to exactly what it was, and Kuroo knows better than anyone that being vague around Nisaka is a surefire way to either be misunderstood or ignored. He's the kind of guy who needs points delivered no nonsense, which is perhaps what first drew him to Kuroo's bad habit of being blunt, and Kuroo realises that now more than ever - if he values Nisaka's friendship and companionship and wants to make something of this hole they've both dug into and found themselves in - he needs to be clear.
That, and.. Nisaka had confessed to liking him back there, hadn't he? None of the lack of clarity Kuroo had shown; he'd come out and said it in a way Kuroo couldn't ignore (even if his brain had been distracted momentarily), couldn't misunderstand. I like you, I like you.. For a moment his heart feels too big for his chest, like thoughts are leaking from his brain and clogging it to make it slow and heavy, but in the best way. Nisaka likes him, him, Kuroo, who had been so afraid of scaring Nisaka off that he'd sworn himself to secrecy for no reason other than stupid fear, a stupid fear that had now been abolished and---
He needs to return the favour, but Kuroo is no good with words, and he can't exactly say the same thing back because.. his feelings have been muddled for years, resting in this sort of bisexual gray area that leans toward guys but only certain ones, and leans toward girls only in certain occasions, at certain times. Besides from all that, the way he feels about Nisaka is different.. it feels like more than just those highschool infatuations the members of his team experience, it feels bigger than that.
Kuroo does the only thing he can think of doing that will assure Nisaka of what he's been feeling, what he's feeling right now, what he'd meant when he'd spoken about giving it a try, about feeling it for months. He uses the hands he has on Nisaka's shoulders to reel him in a little closer; he lifts one up to his chin before they collide, lifting it just a fraction higher so that when Kuroo leans down and quickly kisses him the movement is a smooth one.
Not a second later after Kuroo has pulled back does his pulse suddenly soar in his ears, sending blood to flood his face and neck and ears as he stares at Nisaka's face like a startled cat. It had been a good idea in theory, but now the knowledge that he'd just kissed his best friend by way of confession like they're in some kind of teenage romcom has hit him and he can only imagine the possible fall out from something so ridiculously naive. ]
Shit. I-- [ No. No uncertainty. Not now. Kuroo does his best to look determined, but his blood seems to vibrate in his veins, out of fear or sheer adrenaline. I've been feeling.. Try again. A long pause, then a heavy exhale and a tightened hand give him strength to say it, finally. ]
I like you. Too. I mean, I more than like you. I like you like-- I like you. Like that. Like-- well, y'know.
[ right around that time, nisaka's brain short-circuits.
though, perhaps that isn't very fair. it isn't really easy to say at which point his brain decides to check out, as if someone had reached in and pulled the plug where it connects to the rest of his body, so that all parts seem to fizzle and blank out like the black of a shut-off television screen. it could have been anywhere from the first sign of kuroo's movement, to the very last word he utters, but all signs point to the cause being kuroo himself, so maybe it doesn't really matter where or when it happened, just that it did, and with who.
somewhere in the storm of his feelings he is kissed, and he wishes he could say it was his first, or even his fourth, but those moments belong to other people in his past, though he thinks this fifth may be the most formative yet. it's been the one he's been dreaming about for years now, anyway, so much so that it is both fulfilling yet anticlimactic. there is no grand swelling of music, no 360-camera angles like in those ridiculous dramas his mother loves to devote her evenings to, and though he knew better than to expect anything like that, he can't help the part of his heart that deflates a little when there is just a simple press of lips, a warm hand to his chin. it's all too fleeting, much too temporary and short to be satisfying, so much so that he finds himself more upset that it ends than the fact it had happened without warning in the first place.
still, his body reacts to the thought of it. cheeks flushing pink while the rest of his face drains of color. eyes widening, a hand flying up to cover his gaping mouth. kuroo just kissed him, stole a kiss from him really, and now he's confessing to his own feelings in turn? did he fall? did he hit his head and now he's hallucinating? none of this makes sense; his brain keeps screaming at him, since when? since when?? ]
Y... You...
[ rather suddenly, he remembers his frustration. his other hand juts out, slamming palm-first into kuroo's chest, but he's much to weak to muster up anything more than a slap. his vision blurs, and he can't tell if he's crying because his childhood best friend and crush likes him back... or that he hadn't even thought to use his tongue. what the hell. ]
Since when did you like boys!?
[ it's... not exactly the most pressing question of his, but it winds up being the first one to tumble out of his mouth. ]
[ If Kuroo had been thinking a little more confidently, with some of that foolish bravery he's well known for, then he might have thought situation couldn't really go wrong since Nisaka had already confessed and he'd done the same. There was no real opportunity for confusion or rebuttal or refusal, which explains why Kuroo's weak heart starts that familiar pitter-pattering of excitement, his body feeling like an elastic band ready to spring back into shape, just like he does before a game. And then Nisaka pushes him and definitely does not look happy and starts crying and everything in Kuroo surges forward like some ridiculous mother hen, desperate to fix it and make it better but ultimately failing step one because how? How when the cause of the problem is so baffling to him?
Kuroo is certain he's messed this up. Yet again he's aimed for too much too fast, expected more than is realistic just like he does in matches and at school; only now he doesn't have a team or a coach, or tutors or Nisaka to warn him off getting carried away and to steer him back on the right path. He's making decisions for himself here, and Kuroo's track record with managing relationships isn't exactly stellar; they never last long for him, and through whatever reason his handling of the situation always seems to be the catalyst. Doing that with Nisaka quickly douses the residual excitement still swarming in his chest at the knowledge that Nisaka likes him back.
He blinks in stunned confusion for a moment or two, but his expression soon turns to guilt or sadness or some amalgamation of the two. What was he thinking, really, kissing him like that? Now he's ruined what might have been his only chance by getting caught up in some bullshit fantasy where a kiss can solve all the problems and uncertainties and make everything easier. ]
I- [ When had he started liking boys? Was there a moment, a first, a time where he cognitively thought huh, I'd kiss a dude? There really isn't, and Kuroo doesn't know how to explain that it's always kind of been there and that the only reason he didn't talk about it before is because up until now Kuroo had no inclination that his best friend who's very popular with the girls might not have appreciated the attention.
Which brings his thoughts to another point. Nisaka doesn't really have much of a right to look mad since it's not like Kuroo has known all along about the way he swings. And, as he starts to think about that, he realises that this evening had all started because of what Kuroo had said. He'd basically confessed to feeling the same way as Nisaka already, had gone on and on in his rambling way about dealing with those feelings at school and the fear of not knowing, and still Nisaka is looking at him like he's brought this up out of nowhere.
Kuroo drags a hand through his hair, making it look less like a styled mess and more like a mess-mess. ]
I dunno since when, since always, I've never not thought about it, the same way I've never not thought about dating girls. Girls are just easier, it comes more natural but I've always thought about guys like-- [ He's rambling again, so he quickly shuts his mouth once he lets out a soft curse of frustration- ] Shit.
[ He turns from Nisaka, hands in his hair again, expression hard to place; is it frustration, anger, guilt? ]
I don't know what you want from me here. Are you just convincing yourself that things can't be how you want them to be just out of some weird self-torture thing? Are you punishing yourself on purpose here or what? Were you even listening to what I said before, about not being able to ignore the way I feel, or were you just tuning me out? [ ... ] Nisaka, I talked to a guy at camp about you, the first person I've actually talked to about it and it was fucking hard, I was terrified. Almost as terrified as I was telling you back there. He told me I should be honest but even when I'm honest you don't believe me and I don't know how else to explain it; I like you, I dunno how long I've liked you, I dunno how long I've liked guys, and I dunno how long I can cope with keeping all of these stupid fucking secrets.
[ He's willing himself not to cry, but knowing Nisaka is crying is making it more and more difficult. Part of him just wants to tell him to forget the whole thing so that maybe they can go back to normal, but an even bigger part of him - a more selfish part - knows he won't be happy now with 'normal'. ]
Does it even matter how long I've liked guys? I mean, really? Who fucking cares? [ So much for that not crying thing, he can feel it starting in his nose, prickling at his eyes. ] I've never liked anyone like this, like I like you. That's all that should matter.
[ in truth, they're not as dissimilar as one might think. both a little more wicked than one might initially expect, both just as prone to shoving their feet into their mouths. credit to kuroo, he definitely handled nisaka's coming out much better than nisaka himself, which is hilarious in its irony, if 'hilarious' also means 'tragically painful.' kuroo comes out to him and confesses his feelings all in the same breath, and only now does nisaka realize how unfair he'd been in doing the same, because how does one even process those kind of things without making a complete fool out of yourself first?
nisaka definitely doesn't know. he flinches, because kuroo's reaction is like a physical slap to his face. a knee to his gut, a blow to his eye. his guilty brain automatically supplies him with the thought that he's never seen his best friend cry before, which he immediately recognizes as a bold-faced lie. he's seen kuroo cry plenty times before, because the boy holds his heart on his sleeve far more brazenly than he likes to think he does but not once, his brain is quick to supply, had he ever cried because of nisaka himself. since their friendship began, nisaka knew he'd never provide much in the way of protection — kuroo was always taller, broader, stronger, steadier — but he had sworn to at least ensure his own barbed tongue would never lash out at his best friend's expense. that if there were ever anything nisaka could protect him from, it'd be from nisaka himself.
but now... ]
I'm sorry, [ he ends up gasping around a breath, catching somewhere in the back of his throat. ] You're right, i — I'm sorry—
[ he steps forward, closing the gap between them. it makes it easier for him to reach up, swipe a thumb beneath kuroo's eye just as the first tear sheds, but then his hands are falling to clutch at the other boy's shirt not too long after, as if half-convinced the gesture would be the straw on the camel's back. he draws in a shuddering shy, suddenly tired. elated, relieved, terrified, but mostly tired. his head falls to the sloping line of kuroo's shoulder, his breath warm when he sighs out. ]
I spent so long preparing myself for the worst... I don't really know how to handle the best.
[ kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. in no universe did he ever imagine for this to happen, that he might actually have such luck... instinct would have him run away from it; question his good fortune until it went away, and he's left as miserable as he'd prepared for. instead he's holding on, clinging as desperately to this opportunity as he is to kuroo's shirt, though the fabric feels thin, delicate in between his fingers. ]
[ Despite the slow tears dripping off Kuroo's chin he's doing pretty okay, all things considered, until the moment he hears Nisaka apologise. It's quite characteristic, really, for Nisaka to take all the blame and guilt and weight of this situation onto himself and in a sudden breath-taking burst of emotions too tumultuous for Kuroo to accurately categorise he realises that the last thing he wants Nisaka to feel right now is guilt, or regret, or like this is something he deserves and all he can ask is how -- how in the world hadn't he noticed Nisaka getting twisted up by this, why hadn't he asked, why hadn't he fixed this sooner? He'd been afraid of the possibility, afraid of Nisaka leaving or breaking the perfect bond they have.. but now he's enlightened by the concrete knowledge that very little could break this. Even if Nisaka had turned him down, even if Kuroo didn't feel the same way, Kuroo clings to Nisaka just as hard as he does in return and like Nisaka Kuroo considers his best friend the source of his strength. Nisaka is the foundations that make sure Kuroo's walls stay standing, he's the mast to his ship, the heart keeping his blood pumping, keeping him alive.
Nisaka's thumb brushing away his tears makes time liquid, leaves tingles on Kuroo's skin, and in a smooth movement he's got his arms around Nisaka's shoulders and reels him in closer, pulling him tight against his chest and keeping him there like the embrace itself is speaking; I'm here, I've got you, I'm not letting you go. ]
You don't have to say sorry. Not to me. Not for anything. There's nothing you need to apologise for. Nothing.
[ He just holds him for a bit, a little longer. ]
This is fucking scary, though, right? [ He says eventually, voice low and followed by a nervous laugh. ] Having someone so special to you it feels like a vice.
[ He suddenly becomes aware of how tight he's holding Nisaka and pulls back a little. He doesn't ever stop touching him, though. He leaves his hands on his shoulders. It's like he's afraid he's going to disappear if he stops. ]
I'm.. sorry I ruined our first kiss.. That was kinda shitty of me.
[ he's been privy to kuroo's bear hugs before. the guy is normally very touchy in general, but most especially with his friends. often nisaka had found himself pretending that each lingering touch and hug and look could mean something, and now he realizes with a sharp tug in his chest that he doesn't have to pretend anymore. that he's known what it's felt like to be special in kuroo's heart this whole time. just the thought makes him want to cry all over again, but the evening's already had enough tears and so he nuzzles his face into the other boy's chest to ward the tingling behind his eyes away.
it is scary, but it's so exciting and freeing too, and maybe that makes it even scarier but nisaka wouldn't trade this feeling, this moment for anything else in the world. ]
You've been watching too many dramas, [ he chides gently, most of the words muffled by muscle anyway. his hands slip slowly from around his best friend's shirt, falling lower to settle a little tentatively on kuroo's waist.
his fingers twitch around the waistband of his pants a little guiltily. ]
Besides that... that wasn't really our first kiss.
[ He laughs, a little embarrassed and a lot relieved, because this feels normal and good and even though Nisaka is teasing him for what he said about his heart feeling like it's in a vice it's true but the tight feeling is easing with every second and being replaced by something warm and.. and Kuroo wants to stay here forever, with Nisaka's small but warm hands pressing into the small of his back, because his world has started turning again in this cold and quiet basketball court and he can't bring himself to pull away.
When Nisaka speaks up, though, Kuroo's heart skips a couple of beats.
If this were any other situation he could tease, reply with an eyebrow wiggle and an oh, it wasn't, was it? and probably kiss Nisaka right here and be kissed... but something is holding him back. Maybe it's the fact that his face is still kind of wet from tears, maybe it's that Nisaka's shoulders are chilled from the night air, maybe it's that every time Kuroo has thought about kissing Nisaka it's been... different. This is Nisaka giving him a second chance, and Kuroo won't mess it up this time. ]
Yeah, I guess not. [ The last thing he wants is for Nisaka to misunderstand and think Kuroo doesn't want to, though, so he smiles a quietly excited smile, his teeth playing at his lip before he forces himself away and catches one of Nisaka's hands by the cuff of his sleeve. ] We should go back, yeah? Get warmed up, before we freeze to death out here.
[ for all that nisaka has confessed to that evening, there is still a lot he hasn't actually said.
he wallows in it, of course. in the guilt that he is still holding back, when their mutual confessions should have not only opened up doors, but broken down entire dams. he should be more honest, more transparent, but even in his attempt to, he had been too shy, too hesitant. and now kuroo has misunderstood him, but he's done it in such a cute and charming way that nisaka can't really bare to confess now and ruin the moment.
so instead he musters up something of a smile. he'll find some time later to clarify... he's sure he will. besides, there are so many other things right now to think about. ]
...Yeah. [ he glances down at their hands, just inches away from touching. ] Your mom's probably worried, too.
[ Kuroo nods, and releases Nisaka's sleeve as he turns and starts walking back to his house. ]
Yeah, about you. We both know you're her favourite.
[ There's a strange kind of tension between them now, but it's charged and excited and Kuroo will gladly take this over the difficult one from before any day. He's still nervous and uncertain, of course, because admitting to liking someone isn't the same as giving them permission to hold your hand or touch them or anything like that, really, and Kuroo knows he's got a lot of questions to field with his best friend of little words but.. even that isn't enough to quell what's bubbling up in his chest, nor is it enough to stop him smiling like a giddy child.
Once back at Kuroo's home and with his mother keeping herself mysteriously out of the way as they both get inside, Kuroo leads the way quietly up the stairs.. only managing to talk again once he's shut the bedroom door behind them. He looks... almost embarrassed. There's clearly a story there.
But he's distracted by his room. More pointedly, by the plate and the smushed cake on the floor from where Nisaka stood up in a panic. Memories of what they'd both said flood back into Kuroo's mind - I can't trust myself around you, I missed you - bringing with them memories of the night at Nisaka's where Kuroo struggled with the realisation that his puppy love crush was becoming something a lot more matured in nature... but all of that feels miles away now, and Kuroo has to raise a hand to cover his mouth as he lets out a burst of laughter.
Kuroo's laugh often sounds more like a cackle, pointed at someone with the intention to jeer, but on rare occasions where happiness takes hold of him the sound is much more natural, bubbly, light.. This is one of those occasions, and Kuroo is clearly very happy. ]
[ he carries the guilt with him all the way back to the house, which seems so much closer now that they're heading back. he'd find the pointed absence of his friend's mother suspicious if he weren't too busy being eternally grateful for the reprieve, having half-convinced himself that they would be hit with a barrage of questions the moment they stepped inside the home. for as excited and relieved and anxious as he is for their shared step into this brave new world, nisaka isn't entirely sure how much of it he's ready to share with anybody else. having kept such secrets to himself for so long, it honestly feels like he'd already bared himself to enough people just in telling kuroo alone.
(though maybe that has more to do with the fact he's so easily begun to think of the other boy as his whole world in the past few years.)
when they get to the safety of kuroo's room, he is struck first by the familiarity of the space, but also in how very new it feels at the same time. like blinking the sleepiness out of your eyes, or walking through the edge of a fog — the scenery is still very much the same, but it is his perception that's changed. he isn't walking into this room as nisaka, kuroo's best friend. now he is in the room of the boy he likes, who likes him back, and the energy between them is like the air right before a storm: charged and electric, just waiting for the first raindrop to fall.
he spies the fallen cake on the floor by his feet, and his insides churn with further guilt. he'd been so childish, all those minutes ago, running away from his friend, his feelings. he half-turns to kuroo, lips twisting and ready to apologize for it when the sudden peal of laughter erupting from the taller boy has the words dying on his tongue. for a while he just gapes, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed in confusion.
then he seems to come back into himself, and his lips purse around a solemn nod. ]
Ah, so you've finally cracked.
[ he's comforted once more by the ease with which he can still poke fun at the other. things have changed, but they haven't changed. however, as kuroo's laughter continues on, he feels an itch in the back of his mind, impatient and wanting in on the joke. he reaches out, lightly poking his friend's side. ]
[ Kuroo lets the hand covering his mouth drop, lets his smile free into the open, and catches the hand Nisaka is poking him with instead. ]
You. Me. All of this. It's funny, don't you think? [ He says, no longer laughing but never once losing any of the mirth from his expression. ] We're both so stupid.
[ If Kuroo casts his mind back two months to when he and Nisaka parted ways as Kuroo left for camp he can remember a moment - just a few seconds, nothing more - where Nisaka had looked at him like there was something else he needed to say and Kuroo had waited, ready to hear it, desperate to hear it and reply, but the moment never came and Kuroo let his hand leave Nisaka's shoulder, let his face become a speck out the back window of the bus, and didn't stop thinking about him for the next two months. If he considers it more in depth there were countless moments before that where Kuroo had been afraid he'd gotten too close, or that he was mistaking something platonic for something else - a look, a touch, words - by habit of wishful thinking... but now? Knowing what he does he can see the signs, and they're signs he noticed but thought were too good to be true. ]
This whole time, we could have been- [ He starts, then wafts his free hand. ] Nevermind. Lost time and all.
[ He moves forward, finally letting Nisaka's wrist go so that he can start cleaning up the mess the plate made. ]
Mm. I do have another confession to make. [ He says, not looking up from his task. ] You've got to promise you won't get mad, though.
[ it is a little funny. perhaps not in the almost hysterical way kuroo had just been laughing, but enough to pull a tug on the corner of nisaka's cheeks, though frankly he feels more inclined to shake his head or rolls his eyes at them. kuroo might have been content to stop that particular line of thinking, but it's true. this whole time, indeed. nisaka can't help but wonder what they might have had, had they both been brave enough to reach for it much earlier.
still, they could all very well be things in their future, provided neither of them fuck it up. nisaka's hopeful, or as hopeful as nisaka can be, because while they're both disasters in their own right, for the most part they always seem to come out of things alright... because they're together. maybe that good luck will follow them into this new phase in their lives, now that they're together together.
—are they? shit, that's probably something they have to discuss, isn't it...
he watches kuroo clean without moving from his spot. he might have helped, or even insisted on doing it himself seeing as he's the one who caused the mess, but the skin around his wrist and hand is left tingling from where kuroo had just touched in, and so he's too busy trying to discreetly flex and shake it off at his side. ]
You know that's never a comforting thing to hear, right?
[ he levels a sigh at the back of kuroo's head. hand still tingling, he folds his arms across his chest, an unconscious effort to both steel himself and keep his hands occupied. ]
[ Kuroo cleans a little longer, the silence dragging for a few moments as he seems to be struggling to gather his thoughts, or at least to piece together what he needs to say. Finally he gets to his feet with the pieces of the plate and most of the cake taken care of and in his waste paper bin. ]
I.. was rude to the guy at your work because I felt threatened. I joked about you replacing me but it.. wasn't entirely a joke. Two months is a long time, and he kept looking at you while I was trying to look at you. You grew your hair out, you know? I missed stuff. I've never missed stuff before. I mean.. shit. I was the first person you told when you lost your last baby tooth. I didn't like the way him watching us sitting together made me feel. So I was an asshole.... I'll apologise.
[ Thoughts lead him to what had made him stand up so fast, what he'd said, and Kuroo feels the back of his neck getting hot. ]
And.. [ His eyes flick between Nisaka and his bed. ] I was gonna ask if you wanted to stay over, but.. I don't think I can in good conscience unless I tell you something else. While I'm here. Get it all off my chest at once.
[ He raises a hand to the back of his head, averting his eyes and rubbing at that blush as though it'll make it go away. ]
I.. had a tough time sleeping when I stayed over at your place, and I've felt shitty about betraying your trust ever since. I shoulda just... had self control or taken a cold shower or something, but instead I just lay there till I fell asleep and.. well, any kind of accident could have happened. So I'm sorry for that too.
[ it's a lot to process, and maybe the respectful thing to do is allow himself time to process it all. think it through, give each confession more than a moment to marinate in his mind, and formulate a response that he can be proud of later.
but he can't really help the way his teenage mind stumbles on that very last bit, tripping right into the gutter. on what kuroo says without really saying. it can't be wishful thinking at this point, right? it can't be.
his entire expression blanks, gaze almost faraway. dazed. ]
...Are you telling me you got a boner while sleeping next to me?
[ Kuroo winces, but really Nisaka's reaction is on the better side of all the possibilities.. so he supposes he can't be that upset with it. Nevertheless it's still absolutely mortifying, even if there isn't really a response to this situation that isn't; he is after all admitting to exactly what Nisaka is estimating. ]
Look, I've already told you I like you, and you looked so much different than you did when you left, and you changed in front of me, and what you were wearing-- [ He sounds like he's trying to blame Nisaka for his boner now which... isn't exactly false but also isn't what he's trying to do here. ]
Yeah, okay? I just don't want you to think I'm.. coming onto you or whatever, or that I'm in this to get something back. Trust me, I've gone this long with my right hand, I don't need to fuck up a chance like this for the sake of something more.
[ He's got the good grace to look embarrassed now; there's a flush creeping round his face, burning his ears red and tinting his cheeks. Even his shoulders are blushing. He also can't meet Nisaka's gaze. ]
So if you wanna sleepover more, like we used to before I stopped offering because it.. because I got weird... then you're welcome to.
[ and throughout it all, all nisaka can do is watch. open-mouthed, stunned, hearing the words but not really processing them, or processing them but not really absorbing it. because he gets it, it's pretty straight(haha)-forward, but at the same time he just cannot fathom it, how blind he's been, how blind they've both been, that all along in their suffering, the object of their affection had been suffering similarly. there's some kind of cruel poetry to that, he's sure, but for the moment he cannot think much past what he's hearing, like a tidal wave has overtaken him and he hasn't yet gotten it in his mind to try swimming back up to the surface.
for more than a handful of seconds, he tries to summon up some kind of response. his vision blurs and clears like stepping out of a fog, but it's only when he notices how kuroo avoids his eye that he finds the words. the very same words he'd had to swallow back not that long ago, back in the park. ]
...I kissed you.
[ it's a quiet thing, said in such a tiny voice, yet somehow it echoes in the room like they're in some kind of canyon or cave. he can hear his breathing rattling against his chest. ]
The weekend before you left for camp, when you slept over? [ it was their last hurrah before the split; kuroo had to catch the monday morning's earliest bus, and his mother had insisted on spending the last night with her son. they'd spent that saturday staying up as late as they could, watching b-movies, getting sick on sour gummies and popcorn. ]
You were asleep, and I kissed you.
[ nisaka can still remember the way a sliver of moonlight fell across kuroo's face that evening, like it was highlight his lips, gently parted on deep, slumbering breaths. he had spent twenty whole minutes just staring, battling with his common sense and his deepest desires. the kiss itself wasn't anything special, a mere pressing of their mouths, but his lips had burned all night since, and still tingled in the morning when he woke. ]
If anyone has to apologize here, it's me. [ his lips twist into something of a wry smile, just as he reaches out to touch his fingertips to kuroo's wrist. ]
[ That night had been one of the best in Kuroo's memory for a long while. He and Nisaka had watched some frankly terrible cinema, eaten more than their fill of junk food and fallen asleep starfished on the floor the way they used to when they were small. Kuroo's only regret had been that he couldn't stay awake any longer than he had, and now he feels that sentiment tenfold, though makes him feel a little better, honestly, for the few times he's woken up early for his morning run and guiltily considered doing the exact same to Nisaka. What if he'd faked sleep, like he had the other night, and felt Nisaka brush his lips in a tense moment of weakness.. would he have been able to go to camp? Would he have been able to continue pretending to sleep? Would he have felt good, bad, angry, frustrated?
One of Kuroo's hands goes to his mouth, fingers against his lips like he can feel Nisaka's lips there still, wide eyes staring at him in disbelief... because no matter how shell shocking the confession, Kuroo's heart still stumbles over believing that this is real and happening to him.
When Nisaka touches his wrist Kuroo lifts his hand on impulse, fingers tracing against the other boys palm, a helpless smile blossoming on his face. ]
It's okay. [ He lets out a breathless little laugh, because really there's no need to apologise nor any need to forgive. Kuroo messed up what has turned out to be their second one, after all. ] Looks like we've got a problem with mutual kisses, huh?
[ nisaka feels his feet anchor when kuroo returns the gesture with his hand, their fingers brushing and ghosting in a silent dance parodying a hand-hold. such a simple touch, and already he feels grounded, finds it a lot easier to breathe and push past that particular guilt he'd been carrying inside him for so long. kuroo doesn't mind. kuroo still likes him. this is all still happening, and so very, very real.
it's enough to make him a little dizzy with delirium. lightheaded like after you step off a roller-coaster, and you can't quite make out which is up and down for the first few seconds. nisaka feels happy and warm and... just a little bit more brave. ]
Guess so...
[ he takes another step forward, closing the distance between them to less than a foot now. this close, he can look up and notice the finger lines in kuroo's face. how much angular he's become, and broader where it counts. he's gorgeous, just like he's always been. but this time, he doesn't seem quite so out of reach. ]
[ The response knocks the breath from Kuroo's lungs, because not only is Nisaka ridiculously attractive in this moment as he always is - longer bangs curling around his cheeks, large eyes practically shimmering with everything he's feeling, his lips, his jawline, his soft skin - but his words.. Holy shit. It's something Kuroo's fantasised about, daydreamt about in those idle but impossible moments, and to have it lingering in the air and in Nisaka's expression, real and so tangible Kuroo can taste how bad he wants to kiss him.... It's unreal. It's irresistible.
So he stops resisting. He takes hold of that hand he's toying with, laces their fingers and pulls Nisaka that last step forward with it. Their lips come together again in a movement that's soft and measured, not denying an inch of how badly Kuroo wants this but with none of the messy haste he'd shown before; he wants to make that romantic fantasy a reality, raises his hand to Nisaka's cheek and cups it, willing him to understand and feel how much this means. ]
[ the wild thing is, nisaka has had this very fantasy before. it's nearly uncanny, from the setting, the atmosphere, even the placement of kuroo's hands — the main difference now is that this is real. and because it's real, nisaka is privy to all the little details even his thirsty, over-active imagination couldn't think of before: like how kuroo's natural scent is easily masked by the lingering scent of sugar from the cake; how his ridiculous hair is long enough to tickle nisaka's cheeks when he leans up on his tip-toes; how their tongues easily fall into the same push-and-pull of their banter. and just like their banter, nisaka wants to win as much as he wants to give in. either option would be just fine, because it's kuroo — safe, reliable, but wildly unpredictable kuroo, who is now his to openly drool over because, god, did he mention how much hotter his best friend's become since the beginning of summer?
he sighs happily into the kiss, even though it's quickly swallowed up by the lewd sounds of their lips and tongue meeting, again and again. in his chest he feels light and airy, like every dark and stormy thing he'd been clinging onto has released. it's already so easy to fall into this and forget everything else; he doesn't hear the footsteps that come up the stairs, doesn't notice the other presence just ten feet away until he hears a sharp knock on the closed door. purposefully louder than kuroo's mother has ever made one before.
he rips away from kuroo with an obscene, wet sound, his face flushed, lips bright red and raw. he's swallowing his gasps for air, trying to mute himself while he listens to the woman's muffled message.
apparently his mother has called, wanting to know if he intends to stay the night. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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kuroo wants to speak, but nisaka isn't sure if he's ready to hear what the other boy has to say. nothing has to change, he says, but nisaka knows that's a lie. nothing ever just stays the same when someone has to ask to speak, to be listened to.
then again, haven't things have been changing between them for months now already...? maybe this is truly the inevitable.
and so he sucks it up. steels himself with a deep breath, a clenching of the fists at his sides. ]
So talk.
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He pauses for a moment looking like a frightened cat considering whether to jump across running water or dart across the road, and then he's moving and grabbing Nisaka's wrist to drag him along behind. ]
Come on, I need to- Just follow me.
[ Kuroo lets go at some point, but only when he's sure Nisaka isn't just going to stop and demand he speak. He's not refusing, he just... needs something to help him. The something becomes evident when he turns a corner and a dimly lit patch of green turf opens up before them. It's late, so it's empty save for a ball resting against one of the net posts, and Kuroo makes a beeline for it, lifting it up and exhaling like just by touching it he's been reminded of exactly what he wanted to say. It's time to stop the does he bullcrap and face the facts like a man. ]
I thought I could just ignore it at first. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, so I thought I'd never need to even acknowledge it was there. [ He aims for the basketball net and tosses the ball easily through the hoop, and scoops it up once it bounces softly toward him again. ] But it got difficult, like not giving it any attention made the need for it even worse. The more I tried to ignore it the more at risk I seemed to be getting. I couldn't even take normal classes at school without thinking about it.
[ Another shot, which lands without an issue, and is scooped up once more. ]
A guy at camp said maybe I just need to be honest, but like you said.. things can change. Even if we try not to let them, they will change. You can't just alter a key factor and expect to have the same results, it's basically guaranteed that something will change, and-- and I'm fucking terrified of that. I could fuck something up and we won't have a save point to go back to if that happens. We can't just reset things and start again knowing that it would be a bad idea to even try.
[ He shoots again, and the ball misses. He takes a little while longer to retrieve it this time. When he comes back to where he was standing, he doesn't pose to shoot again... he just stands there, spinning the ball weakly between two hands. ]
It could just be that time in our lives when everything seems appealing, y'know? Girls, weirdly shaped fruit, teachers, those annoying satisfying compilations on YouTube.. but I've tried to convince myself of so many excuses that I don't have any left in me. I can't stop thinking about it, about the possibility that I might be wrong.. that something could happen and actually be good and that all the shit I'm obsessing over is the same as the shit I talk myself out of before a match I'm gonna win. [ He's talking directly to the ball but only because his eyes seem to have forgotten how to find Nisaka's face, like they're afraid it'll take his words away again. ]
The uncertainty is killing me, and I should have talked to you before instead of a handful of days before school starts again, but. I've just gotta know.
[ He chances a look up, expression almost... vulnerable, which is a look Kuroo doesn't sport often. ]
If you don't want things to change, if... if you don't want to try, that's fine, but. How do you know unless you try?... Right?
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the night air is quiet, even with kuroo's rambling, even with the repetitive sounds of the other boy's necessary distraction. in the quiet nisaka listens, but also takes the time to admit to himself how foolish he'd been in thinking he could ever walk away from this. from him. kuroo will always pull, and he will always follow, and even when he pushes back his feet are moving him where he truly wants to be. out here, under the yellow light of a street light, watching his best friend make shot after shot like it takes no effort at all.
as every second passes, and every word slips out of his friend's mouth, nisaka can feel the last vestiges of his frustration evaporate. perhaps he should have made more of an effort to retain it, because yes, sure, that's talking, but is he even really saying anything? round and round and round he goes, round and round the basketball spins, and nisaka doesn't know if by the end they'd landed anywhere closer to where they need to be.
reflexively, he feels the need to chide his friend for it. to tell him there's no use in talking if he doesn't even know what to say, but what comes out instead is— ]
I'm gay.
[ his voice comes broken and fragile, like shattered glass, surprising even him. in the quiet of the night air he tries to be okay in his honesty, but every second that passes feels more like suffocation than a breath of fresh air. the vulnerability in kuroo's face is mirrored in his own, eyes too large to be able to hide the way they suddenly shine again. at his sides his hands clench and unclench, desperate for a basketball distraction of his own, but all they can find is the hem of his shirt, too thin and delicate like his voice. ]
I've known for a while...
[ he draws in a breath, and then another. blinks and feels a tear finally break free, trailing down his cheek. swallows and feels the clench of his chest from the lack of air, the pinpricks of anxiety and fear and the relief of finally finally being able to say it. ]
...About as long as I've known I liked you.
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That was probably the moment for him, that he knew.
He'd been trying to settle things, lay out the facts and hope that the right words to say would fall into place so that Nisaka could say what he needed to say and this would straighten itself out but.. But then Nisaka says that and suddenly Kuroo has forgotten everything in the face of how real this is. It's not some nerves about a game, some teen angst in need of a little mollycoddling and comforting and then it'll all be better in an hour. This is different, and it's not something that's going to be fixed easily, if it's ever 'fixed' at all. ]
Shit.. [ It leaves him on an exhale because he's spent so long feeling rough over all of this when Nisaka has been dealing with something way bigger.. and by himself. Kuroo should have been there, should have said something sooner. But he's here now, right? He drops the basketball, stepping past it as it bounces softly between them and then rolls away, hands already coming up to brace Nisaka's trembling upper arms. ]
Hey, it's okay. [ Softly, but still with a kind of firmness that keeps him well away from being patronising. ] Fuck, Nisaka. You're not alone in this, you know that right? [ And he means it. Kuroo's own orientation - which, honestly, is about as much of a mess as his hairstyle - and feelings aside, Nisaka's well-being is of great importance to him. ] You could tell me you'd murdered a guy and I'd still be right here. Okay?
[ This is so much more than not knowing unless you try. There's so much more riding on this. ]
I'm sorry. I shoulda been better about this.. [ His hands squeeze as he searches for what to say, something simple and effective but ultimately knowing that no matter what it's probably going to come out clumsy and kind of cheesy. And it does. ] But.. honestly? It's kind of a relief.
[ A laugh, just a small one and breathless, obviously directed more at himself than anything else. ] It makes me feel less guilty about.. everything I've been feeling.
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That, and.. Nisaka had confessed to liking him back there, hadn't he? None of the lack of clarity Kuroo had shown; he'd come out and said it in a way Kuroo couldn't ignore (even if his brain had been distracted momentarily), couldn't misunderstand. I like you, I like you.. For a moment his heart feels too big for his chest, like thoughts are leaking from his brain and clogging it to make it slow and heavy, but in the best way. Nisaka likes him, him, Kuroo, who had been so afraid of scaring Nisaka off that he'd sworn himself to secrecy for no reason other than stupid fear, a stupid fear that had now been abolished and---
He needs to return the favour, but Kuroo is no good with words, and he can't exactly say the same thing back because.. his feelings have been muddled for years, resting in this sort of bisexual gray area that leans toward guys but only certain ones, and leans toward girls only in certain occasions, at certain times. Besides from all that, the way he feels about Nisaka is different.. it feels like more than just those highschool infatuations the members of his team experience, it feels bigger than that.
Kuroo does the only thing he can think of doing that will assure Nisaka of what he's been feeling, what he's feeling right now, what he'd meant when he'd spoken about giving it a try, about feeling it for months. He uses the hands he has on Nisaka's shoulders to reel him in a little closer; he lifts one up to his chin before they collide, lifting it just a fraction higher so that when Kuroo leans down and quickly kisses him the movement is a smooth one.
Not a second later after Kuroo has pulled back does his pulse suddenly soar in his ears, sending blood to flood his face and neck and ears as he stares at Nisaka's face like a startled cat. It had been a good idea in theory, but now the knowledge that he'd just kissed his best friend by way of confession like they're in some kind of teenage romcom has hit him and he can only imagine the possible fall out from something so ridiculously naive. ]
Shit. I-- [ No. No uncertainty. Not now. Kuroo does his best to look determined, but his blood seems to vibrate in his veins, out of fear or sheer adrenaline. I've been feeling.. Try again. A long pause, then a heavy exhale and a tightened hand give him strength to say it, finally. ]
I like you. Too. I mean, I more than like you. I like you like-- I like you. Like that. Like-- well, y'know.
[ He tried, at least. ]
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writes an essay
Kuroo is certain he's messed this up. Yet again he's aimed for too much too fast, expected more than is realistic just like he does in matches and at school; only now he doesn't have a team or a coach, or tutors or Nisaka to warn him off getting carried away and to steer him back on the right path. He's making decisions for himself here, and Kuroo's track record with managing relationships isn't exactly stellar; they never last long for him, and through whatever reason his handling of the situation always seems to be the catalyst. Doing that with Nisaka quickly douses the residual excitement still swarming in his chest at the knowledge that Nisaka likes him back.
He blinks in stunned confusion for a moment or two, but his expression soon turns to guilt or sadness or some amalgamation of the two. What was he thinking, really, kissing him like that? Now he's ruined what might have been his only chance by getting caught up in some bullshit fantasy where a kiss can solve all the problems and uncertainties and make everything easier. ]
I- [ When had he started liking boys? Was there a moment, a first, a time where he cognitively thought huh, I'd kiss a dude? There really isn't, and Kuroo doesn't know how to explain that it's always kind of been there and that the only reason he didn't talk about it before is because up until now Kuroo had no inclination that his best friend who's very popular with the girls might not have appreciated the attention.
Which brings his thoughts to another point. Nisaka doesn't really have much of a right to look mad since it's not like Kuroo has known all along about the way he swings. And, as he starts to think about that, he realises that this evening had all started because of what Kuroo had said. He'd basically confessed to feeling the same way as Nisaka already, had gone on and on in his rambling way about dealing with those feelings at school and the fear of not knowing, and still Nisaka is looking at him like he's brought this up out of nowhere.
Kuroo drags a hand through his hair, making it look less like a styled mess and more like a mess-mess. ]
I dunno since when, since always, I've never not thought about it, the same way I've never not thought about dating girls. Girls are just easier, it comes more natural but I've always thought about guys like-- [ He's rambling again, so he quickly shuts his mouth once he lets out a soft curse of frustration- ] Shit.
[ He turns from Nisaka, hands in his hair again, expression hard to place; is it frustration, anger, guilt? ]
I don't know what you want from me here. Are you just convincing yourself that things can't be how you want them to be just out of some weird self-torture thing? Are you punishing yourself on purpose here or what? Were you even listening to what I said before, about not being able to ignore the way I feel, or were you just tuning me out? [ ... ] Nisaka, I talked to a guy at camp about you, the first person I've actually talked to about it and it was fucking hard, I was terrified. Almost as terrified as I was telling you back there. He told me I should be honest but even when I'm honest you don't believe me and I don't know how else to explain it; I like you, I dunno how long I've liked you, I dunno how long I've liked guys, and I dunno how long I can cope with keeping all of these stupid fucking secrets.
[ He's willing himself not to cry, but knowing Nisaka is crying is making it more and more difficult. Part of him just wants to tell him to forget the whole thing so that maybe they can go back to normal, but an even bigger part of him - a more selfish part - knows he won't be happy now with 'normal'. ]
Does it even matter how long I've liked guys? I mean, really? Who fucking cares? [ So much for that not crying thing, he can feel it starting in his nose, prickling at his eyes. ] I've never liked anyone like this, like I like you. That's all that should matter.
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nisaka definitely doesn't know. he flinches, because kuroo's reaction is like a physical slap to his face. a knee to his gut, a blow to his eye. his guilty brain automatically supplies him with the thought that he's never seen his best friend cry before, which he immediately recognizes as a bold-faced lie. he's seen kuroo cry plenty times before, because the boy holds his heart on his sleeve far more brazenly than he likes to think he does but not once, his brain is quick to supply, had he ever cried because of nisaka himself. since their friendship began, nisaka knew he'd never provide much in the way of protection — kuroo was always taller, broader, stronger, steadier — but he had sworn to at least ensure his own barbed tongue would never lash out at his best friend's expense. that if there were ever anything nisaka could protect him from, it'd be from nisaka himself.
but now... ]
I'm sorry, [ he ends up gasping around a breath, catching somewhere in the back of his throat. ] You're right, i — I'm sorry—
[ he steps forward, closing the gap between them. it makes it easier for him to reach up, swipe a thumb beneath kuroo's eye just as the first tear sheds, but then his hands are falling to clutch at the other boy's shirt not too long after, as if half-convinced the gesture would be the straw on the camel's back. he draws in a shuddering shy, suddenly tired. elated, relieved, terrified, but mostly tired. his head falls to the sloping line of kuroo's shoulder, his breath warm when he sighs out. ]
I spent so long preparing myself for the worst... I don't really know how to handle the best.
[ kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. kuroo likes him. in no universe did he ever imagine for this to happen, that he might actually have such luck... instinct would have him run away from it; question his good fortune until it went away, and he's left as miserable as he'd prepared for. instead he's holding on, clinging as desperately to this opportunity as he is to kuroo's shirt, though the fabric feels thin, delicate in between his fingers. ]
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Nisaka's thumb brushing away his tears makes time liquid, leaves tingles on Kuroo's skin, and in a smooth movement he's got his arms around Nisaka's shoulders and reels him in closer, pulling him tight against his chest and keeping him there like the embrace itself is speaking; I'm here, I've got you, I'm not letting you go. ]
You don't have to say sorry. Not to me. Not for anything. There's nothing you need to apologise for. Nothing.
[ He just holds him for a bit, a little longer. ]
This is fucking scary, though, right? [ He says eventually, voice low and followed by a nervous laugh. ] Having someone so special to you it feels like a vice.
[ He suddenly becomes aware of how tight he's holding Nisaka and pulls back a little. He doesn't ever stop touching him, though. He leaves his hands on his shoulders. It's like he's afraid he's going to disappear if he stops. ]
I'm.. sorry I ruined our first kiss.. That was kinda shitty of me.
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it is scary, but it's so exciting and freeing too, and maybe that makes it even scarier but nisaka wouldn't trade this feeling, this moment for anything else in the world. ]
You've been watching too many dramas, [ he chides gently, most of the words muffled by muscle anyway. his hands slip slowly from around his best friend's shirt, falling lower to settle a little tentatively on kuroo's waist.
his fingers twitch around the waistband of his pants a little guiltily. ]
Besides that... that wasn't really our first kiss.
[ ...................................... ]
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When Nisaka speaks up, though, Kuroo's heart skips a couple of beats.
If this were any other situation he could tease, reply with an eyebrow wiggle and an oh, it wasn't, was it? and probably kiss Nisaka right here and be kissed... but something is holding him back. Maybe it's the fact that his face is still kind of wet from tears, maybe it's that Nisaka's shoulders are chilled from the night air, maybe it's that every time Kuroo has thought about kissing Nisaka it's been... different. This is Nisaka giving him a second chance, and Kuroo won't mess it up this time. ]
Yeah, I guess not. [ The last thing he wants is for Nisaka to misunderstand and think Kuroo doesn't want to, though, so he smiles a quietly excited smile, his teeth playing at his lip before he forces himself away and catches one of Nisaka's hands by the cuff of his sleeve. ] We should go back, yeah? Get warmed up, before we freeze to death out here.
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he wallows in it, of course. in the guilt that he is still holding back, when their mutual confessions should have not only opened up doors, but broken down entire dams. he should be more honest, more transparent, but even in his attempt to, he had been too shy, too hesitant. and now kuroo has misunderstood him, but he's done it in such a cute and charming way that nisaka can't really bare to confess now and ruin the moment.
so instead he musters up something of a smile. he'll find some time later to clarify... he's sure he will. besides, there are so many other things right now to think about. ]
...Yeah. [ he glances down at their hands, just inches away from touching. ] Your mom's probably worried, too.
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Yeah, about you. We both know you're her favourite.
[ There's a strange kind of tension between them now, but it's charged and excited and Kuroo will gladly take this over the difficult one from before any day. He's still nervous and uncertain, of course, because admitting to liking someone isn't the same as giving them permission to hold your hand or touch them or anything like that, really, and Kuroo knows he's got a lot of questions to field with his best friend of little words but.. even that isn't enough to quell what's bubbling up in his chest, nor is it enough to stop him smiling like a giddy child.
Once back at Kuroo's home and with his mother keeping herself mysteriously out of the way as they both get inside, Kuroo leads the way quietly up the stairs.. only managing to talk again once he's shut the bedroom door behind them. He looks... almost embarrassed. There's clearly a story there.
But he's distracted by his room. More pointedly, by the plate and the smushed cake on the floor from where Nisaka stood up in a panic. Memories of what they'd both said flood back into Kuroo's mind - I can't trust myself around you, I missed you - bringing with them memories of the night at Nisaka's where Kuroo struggled with the realisation that his puppy love crush was becoming something a lot more matured in nature... but all of that feels miles away now, and Kuroo has to raise a hand to cover his mouth as he lets out a burst of laughter.
Kuroo's laugh often sounds more like a cackle, pointed at someone with the intention to jeer, but on rare occasions where happiness takes hold of him the sound is much more natural, bubbly, light.. This is one of those occasions, and Kuroo is clearly very happy. ]
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(though maybe that has more to do with the fact he's so easily begun to think of the other boy as his whole world in the past few years.)
when they get to the safety of kuroo's room, he is struck first by the familiarity of the space, but also in how very new it feels at the same time. like blinking the sleepiness out of your eyes, or walking through the edge of a fog — the scenery is still very much the same, but it is his perception that's changed. he isn't walking into this room as nisaka, kuroo's best friend. now he is in the room of the boy he likes, who likes him back, and the energy between them is like the air right before a storm: charged and electric, just waiting for the first raindrop to fall.
he spies the fallen cake on the floor by his feet, and his insides churn with further guilt. he'd been so childish, all those minutes ago, running away from his friend, his feelings. he half-turns to kuroo, lips twisting and ready to apologize for it when the sudden peal of laughter erupting from the taller boy has the words dying on his tongue. for a while he just gapes, mouth hanging open and brow furrowed in confusion.
then he seems to come back into himself, and his lips purse around a solemn nod. ]
Ah, so you've finally cracked.
[ he's comforted once more by the ease with which he can still poke fun at the other. things have changed, but they haven't changed. however, as kuroo's laughter continues on, he feels an itch in the back of his mind, impatient and wanting in on the joke. he reaches out, lightly poking his friend's side. ]
What?
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You. Me. All of this. It's funny, don't you think? [ He says, no longer laughing but never once losing any of the mirth from his expression. ] We're both so stupid.
[ If Kuroo casts his mind back two months to when he and Nisaka parted ways as Kuroo left for camp he can remember a moment - just a few seconds, nothing more - where Nisaka had looked at him like there was something else he needed to say and Kuroo had waited, ready to hear it, desperate to hear it and reply, but the moment never came and Kuroo let his hand leave Nisaka's shoulder, let his face become a speck out the back window of the bus, and didn't stop thinking about him for the next two months. If he considers it more in depth there were countless moments before that where Kuroo had been afraid he'd gotten too close, or that he was mistaking something platonic for something else - a look, a touch, words - by habit of wishful thinking... but now? Knowing what he does he can see the signs, and they're signs he noticed but thought were too good to be true. ]
This whole time, we could have been- [ He starts, then wafts his free hand. ] Nevermind. Lost time and all.
[ He moves forward, finally letting Nisaka's wrist go so that he can start cleaning up the mess the plate made. ]
Mm. I do have another confession to make. [ He says, not looking up from his task. ] You've got to promise you won't get mad, though.
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still, they could all very well be things in their future, provided neither of them fuck it up. nisaka's hopeful, or as hopeful as nisaka can be, because while they're both disasters in their own right, for the most part they always seem to come out of things alright... because they're together. maybe that good luck will follow them into this new phase in their lives, now that they're together together.
—are they? shit, that's probably something they have to discuss, isn't it...
he watches kuroo clean without moving from his spot. he might have helped, or even insisted on doing it himself seeing as he's the one who caused the mess, but the skin around his wrist and hand is left tingling from where kuroo had just touched in, and so he's too busy trying to discreetly flex and shake it off at his side. ]
You know that's never a comforting thing to hear, right?
[ he levels a sigh at the back of kuroo's head. hand still tingling, he folds his arms across his chest, an unconscious effort to both steel himself and keep his hands occupied. ]
Go on then, what is it?
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I.. was rude to the guy at your work because I felt threatened. I joked about you replacing me but it.. wasn't entirely a joke. Two months is a long time, and he kept looking at you while I was trying to look at you. You grew your hair out, you know? I missed stuff. I've never missed stuff before. I mean.. shit. I was the first person you told when you lost your last baby tooth. I didn't like the way him watching us sitting together made me feel. So I was an asshole.... I'll apologise.
[ Thoughts lead him to what had made him stand up so fast, what he'd said, and Kuroo feels the back of his neck getting hot. ]
And.. [ His eyes flick between Nisaka and his bed. ] I was gonna ask if you wanted to stay over, but.. I don't think I can in good conscience unless I tell you something else. While I'm here. Get it all off my chest at once.
[ He raises a hand to the back of his head, averting his eyes and rubbing at that blush as though it'll make it go away. ]
I.. had a tough time sleeping when I stayed over at your place, and I've felt shitty about betraying your trust ever since. I shoulda just... had self control or taken a cold shower or something, but instead I just lay there till I fell asleep and.. well, any kind of accident could have happened. So I'm sorry for that too.
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but he can't really help the way his teenage mind stumbles on that very last bit, tripping right into the gutter. on what kuroo says without really saying. it can't be wishful thinking at this point, right? it can't be.
his entire expression blanks, gaze almost faraway. dazed. ]
...Are you telling me you got a boner while sleeping next to me?
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Look, I've already told you I like you, and you looked so much different than you did when you left, and you changed in front of me, and what you were wearing-- [ He sounds like he's trying to blame Nisaka for his boner now which... isn't exactly false but also isn't what he's trying to do here. ]
Yeah, okay? I just don't want you to think I'm.. coming onto you or whatever, or that I'm in this to get something back. Trust me, I've gone this long with my right hand, I don't need to fuck up a chance like this for the sake of something more.
[ He's got the good grace to look embarrassed now; there's a flush creeping round his face, burning his ears red and tinting his cheeks. Even his shoulders are blushing. He also can't meet Nisaka's gaze. ]
So if you wanna sleepover more, like we used to before I stopped offering because it.. because I got weird... then you're welcome to.
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for more than a handful of seconds, he tries to summon up some kind of response. his vision blurs and clears like stepping out of a fog, but it's only when he notices how kuroo avoids his eye that he finds the words. the very same words he'd had to swallow back not that long ago, back in the park. ]
...I kissed you.
[ it's a quiet thing, said in such a tiny voice, yet somehow it echoes in the room like they're in some kind of canyon or cave. he can hear his breathing rattling against his chest. ]
The weekend before you left for camp, when you slept over? [ it was their last hurrah before the split; kuroo had to catch the monday morning's earliest bus, and his mother had insisted on spending the last night with her son. they'd spent that saturday staying up as late as they could, watching b-movies, getting sick on sour gummies and popcorn. ]
You were asleep, and I kissed you.
[ nisaka can still remember the way a sliver of moonlight fell across kuroo's face that evening, like it was highlight his lips, gently parted on deep, slumbering breaths. he had spent twenty whole minutes just staring, battling with his common sense and his deepest desires. the kiss itself wasn't anything special, a mere pressing of their mouths, but his lips had burned all night since, and still tingled in the morning when he woke. ]
If anyone has to apologize here, it's me. [ his lips twist into something of a wry smile, just as he reaches out to touch his fingertips to kuroo's wrist. ]
I'm sorry for ruining our first kiss.
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One of Kuroo's hands goes to his mouth, fingers against his lips like he can feel Nisaka's lips there still, wide eyes staring at him in disbelief... because no matter how shell shocking the confession, Kuroo's heart still stumbles over believing that this is real and happening to him.
When Nisaka touches his wrist Kuroo lifts his hand on impulse, fingers tracing against the other boys palm, a helpless smile blossoming on his face. ]
It's okay. [ He lets out a breathless little laugh, because really there's no need to apologise nor any need to forgive. Kuroo messed up what has turned out to be their second one, after all. ] Looks like we've got a problem with mutual kisses, huh?
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it's enough to make him a little dizzy with delirium. lightheaded like after you step off a roller-coaster, and you can't quite make out which is up and down for the first few seconds. nisaka feels happy and warm and... just a little bit more brave. ]
Guess so...
[ he takes another step forward, closing the distance between them to less than a foot now. this close, he can look up and notice the finger lines in kuroo's face. how much angular he's become, and broader where it counts. he's gorgeous, just like he's always been. but this time, he doesn't seem quite so out of reach. ]
What do you want to do about it?
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So he stops resisting. He takes hold of that hand he's toying with, laces their fingers and pulls Nisaka that last step forward with it. Their lips come together again in a movement that's soft and measured, not denying an inch of how badly Kuroo wants this but with none of the messy haste he'd shown before; he wants to make that romantic fantasy a reality, raises his hand to Nisaka's cheek and cups it, willing him to understand and feel how much this means. ]
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he sighs happily into the kiss, even though it's quickly swallowed up by the lewd sounds of their lips and tongue meeting, again and again. in his chest he feels light and airy, like every dark and stormy thing he'd been clinging onto has released. it's already so easy to fall into this and forget everything else; he doesn't hear the footsteps that come up the stairs, doesn't notice the other presence just ten feet away until he hears a sharp knock on the closed door. purposefully louder than kuroo's mother has ever made one before.
he rips away from kuroo with an obscene, wet sound, his face flushed, lips bright red and raw. he's swallowing his gasps for air, trying to mute himself while he listens to the woman's muffled message.
apparently his mother has called, wanting to know if he intends to stay the night. ]
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