[ if nisaka himself had noticed kuroo's strange silence or lack of his usual emphatic response, he doesn't indicate it. the slight strain at the corners of his small smile could be due to any number of reasons, after all.
he allows himself to be ushered in, letting his hands fall uselessly at his sides. he doesn't glance over his shoulder at the other boy, mostly because he doesn't trust himself to. ]
I'm not really hungry, [ he admits, which isn't really out of the usual. but once they'd in the house proper, he turns to the woman, fixing her a sincere smile. ]
Thank you for the edo furin, Auntie. It catches the breeze from my window just right.
[ Kuroo's mother has looked away from Kuroo's back as he wanders toward the kitchen to fix himself a glass of water, and is now pinning her seemingly unblinking eyes on the smaller of the two boys. She has a certain intensity around her similar to the one Kuroo emanates for the first few hours before he lets it slip what a total goober he can be. The difference is that his mother's intensity is concrete, and without a single crack in neither her attention or her inference it's difficult to not feel like prey under her gaze. She already knows something is up with Kuroo, but seeing that Nisaka didn't take any opportunity to tease him alongside her she's certain it goes much further than her son thinking himself into a rut. ]
I thought it might. [ She doesn't let any of her assumptions register on her face, though Nisaka should know her well enough by this point to not need visible evidence. ] I've never seen someone stare out a window for as long as you can. I thought it might be nice to give you something to look at for a change.
[ Her gentle teasing is made softer by the screwed up smile she gives him, but it quickly falls when she's surprised by an unexpected sound. ]
I helped her pick the design. She couldn't decide between that or one with painted leaves on it. I said you'd like that one better.
[ Because Kuroo knows Nisaka better. His mom can percieve as much as she likes, but it's Kuroo who studies his best friend and files all the insignificant things away in his mind just in case he might ever need them. It's Kuroo who could see inspiring hope in a sunrise, heat and the dawn of another day signalling freedom and new starts, adventures and excitement... where leaves made him think of jungles, of the thick shroud of leaves and of hiding away, unseen, secret.
There's cream at the corner of Kuroo's mouth, which he doesn't seem to have noticed but his mother reponds to it with a smack of her palm upside his head. She yells at him for not using a fork or a plate, for dipping his fingers in instead of committing and eating the whole thing and for some reason Kuroo's face has gone kind of red when he responds at a louder volume and says he still hasn't made room for the whole thing, that he'll eat it when he's ready. ]
Anyway, Ma.. Have you noticed Nisaka-chan's hair, huh? He's going to start plaiting it, I think. That or he's going to join a band.
[ Both of the Kuroo's eyes snap to Nisaka, one of them smiling kind of impishly and the other looking curious, as the man of the house uses his best friend as a way to get his mom off his case so he can scamper back to the table and dip a finger in the creamcake he's already been poking at. His mother gasps, reaching her hands up to Nisaka's hair, hands on both sides of his head and pulling the lengths of his bangs out at each side, marvelling at the length. ]
[ nisaka does, in fact, love the sunrise design. for all the reasons kuroo had been thinking, and then some. how the bright red captures the same shade as kuroo's favorite jersey, and the curve of the sun matches the boy's smile just right. a sunrise inspires hope, like kuroo does every time he gives nisaka's hand a reassuring squeeze.
when kuroo speaks, nisaka can't help but listen, can't help but look. and the surprise there is clear in his expression, too weak and vulnerable to be able to properly mask it.
he knew should've canceled. he should've pretended to be sick, or broken his leg, or something. he realizes all too belatedly that coming here had been a mistake, and now literally caught between the kuroo matron's hands, he can't escape.
he stumbles around his excuses — that he'd been too busy to tend to it all summer, that it wasn't really as much of a bother if he just tied it out of his face, that he'll get around to cutting it soon enough, promise — actually stuttering as his mind tries to catch up to the sudden shift in topic. his cheeks flush under the woman's fervent attention, but they had already been warming up well before that. ]
Actually, [ he says, voice pitching up a little as he scrambles to peel himself away from her too-keen eyes, ] some cake would be nice.
[ Kuroo looks around with a face covered in chocolate and cream, wiping it on his sleeve with haste once Nisaka speaks up. Both because of what had happened the last time he got cream on his face and the fact that if his mom catches him again she'll probably beat him to death with her shoe. ]
Too bad, s'all gone. [ He's lying, and makes it way too obvious with the way he hastily shuts the lid of the bakery box. Luckily for Nisaka, his mother is following their paths to the table and somehow already has plates in her hand which she dumps on the table before she pinches her sons side so he'll relinquish his hold on the spoils. Sulking, Kuroo sits, and opens the lid to reveal four different kinds of cakes, and the remains of the one Kuroo had been snacking on. His mom is clearly making up for lost time after spending months away from home, in a place where there weren't any home-style bakeries that even came close to Tanabe-san's. ]
Help yourself. [ She says to Nisaka, then sits herself, at the head of the table, right where she belongs. Then, without looking at her son but clearly talking to him, she continues: ] You didn't give Yuusuke-kun enough time to make up his mind. Just because he doesn't jump into things feet first like you do, doesn't mean he isn't interested.
[ It's a pretty innocent thing to say, but Kuroo's eyes widen and he glances from his mother to Nisaka like he's trying not to be noticed doing so, as a bright flush stains his cheeks. Clearly there's something she knows that Kuroo knows she knows, that they might have talked about in that weird way they do when they don't mention the thing exactly but both of them know what they're talking about. When he looks back at his mother, it's like he's silently yelling at her. Nisaka isn't stupid, all it would take is for him to make one stab in the dark and this could unravel, so Kuroo forcibly reigns himself in and settles on just shrugging. ]
[ by the time nisaka settles onto a seat (somehow directly opposite kuroo; how does it always turn out this way?), he's determined not to meet the elder kuroo's eyes for fear of what he might see there. he often forgets (given the flightiness of his own parents) how perceptive and keen older eyes can be. it's in moments like these that he's grateful he isn't often around his best friend's mother; he doesn't even know what she knows, but already he can tell she knows Too Much. ]
...It's alright, [ he says eventually. to both of them, with a quick flick of his eyes, but his gaze definitely lingers a little longer on kuroo himself before slipping down to the small plate in front of him. he plucks up the fork settled neatly beside it, idly tracing around the lip of his plate with its tines. ]
It's not like you could've known.
[ a heavy pause settles around the table suddenly, and nisaka finds himself shifting beneath the weight of it. he turns to the woman who is practically a second mother to him at this point, attempting a polite smile. ]
[ Kuroo's mother definitely knows too much, because her son can't lie to and even when he tries she can see right through it. Kuroo hasn't said it in exact words, but his mannerisms and allusions to the truth might as well have been a written confession. He knows she pretty much knows, she knows he knows she knows, and it's been like this for.. a while now.
When Nisaka sits down Kuroo's eyes snap to him, as though only just realising how close his mother is to the both of them, and his mind practically blossoms with terrified images of exactly what his bloodhound of a mother being in such proximity to them both and their stupid teenage hormones could mean. ]
Sure. Anything you like, you don't need to ask. [ His mother says suddenly, gesturing with a waft of her hand toward the box. Nisaka could walk in unannounced, open the fridge and fix himself a three course meal and Kuroo's mom would still think he was wonderful. Probably. At least in Kuroo's mind.
The elder of the three crosses her wrists as she props her elbows up on the table, thumb rubbing over a groove in her finger where years of pinching a cigarette have dented the skin slightly. She does this when she's thinking, and Kuroo's eyes widen like he's watching a car crash about to happen. ]
I talked to Tanabe-san when I picked up these pastries, you know. She said you didn't buy anything for youself, Yuusuke-kun. You just bought things for Tetsurou. [ She looks at him, eyes sharp through her muddy-but-purposeful make up. ] You don't need to hold back, you know. You should take whatever you want for yourself. Or at least think about it.
[ ABORT. Kuroo stands up from the table and shoves the last of his cake in his mouth (probably a poor choice in action order there, but he's never been particularly dignified) before glaring pointedly at Nisaka. ]
Wanna finish that upstairs? [ He jerks his head, expression silently asking for an escape. ]
[ nisaka, perhaps foolishly, isn't nearly as shrewd or untrusting of the kuroo matron as her own son. but he still sits under the heavy weight of her piercing gaze like he would like nothing more than to run away from or curl up fetal-position beneath it, but in lieu of either option he settles for simply avoiding her gaze altogether. something he's got way too much practice in.
he's just about carefully set the piece of strawberry cake onto his plate when the woman speaks again, like she's speaking into his very soul, and he has exactly two seconds to panic internally before the loud screech of kuroo's chair steals his attention. his wide eyes catch the other's, and he's nodding along before he can even think better of it. in that moment, anything seemed a better option than remaining under that maternal scrutiny. he'll never understand how mothers seem to just know it all, and way too much.
another clumsy thanks tumbles out of his mouth as he picks his plate up and hastily follows after kuroo, his steps light on the stairs. it's only when they make it up to kuroo's room, the door closed safely between them and his best friend's mother, that nisaka realizes he'd left his fork back downstairs... but no way is he risking getting caught under her searching gaze again. he just opts for settling the plate on his knees, occupying the single chair in kuroo's room. he hasn't yet looked up, and he feels like he'd just run a marathon. ]
...Remind me never to be late on your mom ever again, [ he attempts to joke. ]
[ Kuroo presses his palms back against the wood of the door, exhaling for a long moment and just... letting that moment settle. His mom was about a five minute conversation away from grabbing them both by the collars and shaking them, Kuroo is sure of that, and now that he's here he's glad he's away from that eventuality but... it also means he's alone with Nisaka, after what he'd said and the way he'd left things. He owes him an apology, but for a long moment he can't even bring himself to open his eyes and move away from the door.
Nisaka's comment brings him out of it though, and even manages to encourage a soft chuckle from him. ]
Ah-ha, yeah. She's a witch, you know, the next time you do it she'll curse you. And she won't go easy on you just because she thinks you're cute.
[ He wags his finger and for a moment things are blissfully normal. Normal enough that Kuroo even manages to peel himself away from the door and plop himself into a sitting position on the end of his bed, Nisaka to his right close by his desk. Face to face is still asking a bit much, and though he's more comfortable now than he was before.. there's a definite edge to the way he holds himself. ]
But.. don't worry about it. I don't think she minds, really.
[ nisaka shifts just slightly as kuroo moves to take a seat — just the slightest draw back against the back of his chair, tugging his feet in, trying to make himself as small as possible. as if he were intruding in the space, and he wanted to take up as little of it as possible.
his slim fingers begin to trace around the lip of the plate carefully balanced on his knees. ]
Still, [ he murmurs after a moment. ] Just because she doesn't mind, doesn't make it any less wrong.
[ he quiets. speaking of...
carefully, he lifts up his head to glance over his friend's way. ]
[ Kuroo is used to Nisaka making himself at home in his bedroom, so needless to say the clear tension in his frame is more than a little noticeable. His body language reads to Kuroo like a kid sitting outside a teachers office waiting to be told off. He doesn't like it, and he knows in that moment that the conversation they need to have has to happen now. He searches for something to say to breach the subject, but then Nisaka surprises him by getting there first, and Kuroo's surprised attention snaps right back to him.
Hmm. About that. Nisaka could be talking about what Kuroo had said, the texts, the way he'd treated the other... guy.. whatever his name was. The comment really was a vague one, so Kuroo's expression goes a bit tight. ]
If you're gonna tell me I made whats-his-face uncomfortable, I don't care. He gives me weird vibes. But I shouldn't have left the way I did, so I'm sorry about that.
[ He shifts a bit, shoulders moving till he's kind of slumped to the side, expression troubled while he takes a short pause to think. ]
Did you really have to read your dads stuff, or did I fuck something up?
[ nisaka may have been the one to finally broach the subject, but that hardly means he had any idea of how to continue once he got there. in fact, there's such a long silence after his comment that the pause itself had been deafening, and he'd startled himself out of whatever nerve he'd managed to scrounge up to even make it all the way up here. so when kuroo takes command of the discussion, he is both relieved and disappointed.
but mostly, he's just confused. ]
You..?
[ his brows knit together, and it's clear the notion that any of the oddness between them had been kuroo's fault is a novel, if not utterly ridiculous one to him. ]
You didn't do anything wrong.
[ sure, he'd been rude to watabe. but he hadn't been any ruder than nisaka himself tends to be on the regular, so it's not like he could really find fault in that. and, yes, he may have made a few lewd or suggestive comments here and there, but. but that's just what happens. that's just what friends say to each other; he's heard similar passes tossed around between buddies before, that unspoken "no homo" always tacked on with the laugh that sound more like nails on a chalkboard to nisaka. it's not kuroo's fault that nisaka's so unfortunately gay for him that every joke weakens his resolve.
but kuroo is right about one thing. and it's what has nisaka looking back down at the cake on his knees, lips twisting guiltily. ]
I lied about my dad's manuscript. [ that much he can say. he can't very well tell the whole truth of it, can he? that would just make things even weirder... ]
I just thought it'd be a good idea if we spent a little less time together, that's all. It's... It's probably not good, right? We're almost graduated, but we're still stuck to each other like we were in fourth grade...
[ Sure, it's not exactly out of the ordinary for him to throw around flirtatious comments but.. after the night they'd had a few evenings ago, where they'd both pretended to sleep while the air hung thick around them, practically able to taste the tension between them.. it's hardly surprising that Kuroo feels a little awkward saying things like that now. Nisaka had to have noticed, right? What hormones between them has done to the way they are around one another, what being apart has amplified.. Kuroo's feelings aside, that of all things is obvious.. isn't it?
He knew Nisaka had lied, so that isn't surprising, but what he says next definitely is. ]
We just spent two months apart. [ Kuroo says, looking right at Nisaka and levelling him with a confused but firm expression. ] I missed you like hell. Are you trying to tell me that's how it should be? Because I'm calling bullshit.
[ He'd seen Nisaka after he'd run to the bus stop, had seen his form kind of slouch back into being comfortable around someone, had seen him perk up at realising Kuroo would be around more often. Even he can't see that for anything other than what it is.. and now he's had enough of being uncertain. ]
What's wrong? If it's not something I've done, is it something you've done? Is it the guy from the cafe? Is he a better best friend than me or something? You're replacing me?
[ He's half joking, a bemused expression on his face, but there's a small ever so slight sliver of concern in his voice as though he's worried such an eventuality might be possible. Really, he's just concerned about what's bothering Nisaka. ]
[ the younger of the two definitely hears the joking tone in kuroo's voice, but he isn't exactly in a joking mood, making his short patience even more volatile. ]
Don't be stupid. [ he's giving the taller boy a look like he'd just declared loyalty to the flat earth society or something, both incredulous and dismissive. of course, his waning patience also makes his tongue a little looser, letting slip things he might have otherwise held onto a lot tighter. ] As if anyone can ever replace you. [ how he still manages to make that sound like an insult is a feat, really...
he's riled up now, at least. no longer holding back as much, angry enough to finally hold kuroo's gaze and try to pin him down with it, or maybe so startled and touched by the other boy's candor with regards to missing him that he feels the need to reciprocate in his own stupid, clumsy way. whatever the reason, he keeps talking, for better or for worse. ]
The point is I need to be a better best friend. [ if kuroo knew... if kuroo had any idea how often nisaka thought of him in less-than-innocent ways... he'd be disgusted and betrayed for sure. ]
And I can't do that when I can't even trust myself around yo—
there comes a sudden loud screech followed by a collision of wood, kuroo's chair toppling to the ground in as the smaller boy suddenly jumps up to his feet, ready to bolt or throw up or, or something. ]
[ The gaze Nisaka fixes on him is unexpected, to say the least. Usually when Kuroo tries to worm the truth out of Nisaka regarding his feelings all he gets is diversions and brush-offs.. to see him being so defiant about it, so firm and so clear, it's definitely jarring despite how welcome it is. Finally Kuroo feels like they might be getting somewhere, like Nisaka might be deciding to cease the song and dance it takes for them to discuss how they feel.. though he hadn't been expecting it to go quite as far as it does.
The few seconds that follow Nisaka's words fly by in a whip of movement and colour that seems to disappear through Kuroo's fingers, but in that brief moment he manages to do two very important things; he stands up, and crosses the short distance between himself and Nisaka so he can put a hand firm on his shoulder, to stop him from doing what he inevitably wants to do and leaving the room and this house possibly never to return.
Then he starts to process the information. ]
Trust yourself? [ Kuroo frowns.. it sounds like Nisaka is implying something, but Kuroo's brain seems to be incapable of developing any more theories on the matter, as if it's so impossible it doesn't compute. The truth of the matter is that Kuroo has been worried about his own ability to trust himself around Nisaka, particularly after the night where he'd lay in his best friends bed with warmth spreading and pooling in his body, his mind carrying him off to sleep with sinful thoughts and fantasies he dare not think about with company around. Least of all when the subject of said fantasies was laying right beside him..
Kuroo had wondered for himself if distance and some time apart might have softened (heh) the tension a little, but if this had all been brought on by two months apart then clearly that isn't the best strategy.
He looks at Nisaka for a long moment, wondering if it's safe to hope, terrified of what it might do but ultimately doing it anyway, against all his better judgement and all of the warning bells in his head that tell him what a bad idea this is, how stupid he's being and how he'll look back on this later and curse himself for being so dumb. Nisaka has never given him a hint before, has always been so far removed from relationship talk that it seems like he's uninterested either way, and even knowing all that Kuroo's stupid heart flutters when he wonders if maybe, perhaps...
His mothers words ring in his head. Give him time to make up his mind. Not everyone jumps in feet first, not everyone has Kuroo's stupid bravery, his foolish bravado. Nisaka can take it or leave it, but first Kuroo needs to make the options clear to him... right? ]
If that's the case, then I should be a better best friend too.
[ Because he can't trust himself either. His first night back told him that much. ]
[ nisaka is stuck. buried under the gentle weight of kuroo's hand, his searching gaze. he wonders if he'd actually died, just straight up embarrassed himself to death, or whatever, because he can't make sense of all that he's hearing, even though kuroo isn't really saying much.
what do you mean? he wants to scream. do you mean it the way i mean it? the logical part of his brain screams, yes, of course, how else can he mean it, but the other, louder part of his breath is shaking and crying, no you idiot, since when has life ever been that kind?? ]
I...
[ the air feels too thick in here, like there's no ventilation whatsoever. the window is open, letting in a faint evening breeze, but nisaka still feels like he's suffocating, throat working desperately to swallow back some air. ]
Sorry, I — need to go.
[ he can't stay here any longer. not alone, not so close, not with kuroo's hand on his shoulder and eyes pinning him down. any second longer and he'll faint, he knows it, and that's just not the hill he wants to die on right now, and so he jerks himself away from the touch before he can grow too comfortable with it. the plate he'd been holding clatters noisily against the desk when he sets it down, steps short but swift towards the door. he looks on the verge of a panic attack, but he still lingers there, hand on the knob.
he looks like he wants so say something, maybe even stay. but then he turns a little blue from the lack of air, and then he's whipping around, taking the stairs two at a time just to get out of there.
he can't do this right now. two seconds ago he thought his life was over, and now he's wondering if he could really be lucky enough to let it begin?? how is he even supposed to deal? ]
[ Time seems to stretch like elastic as Kuroo stares after Nisaka's back.
He should have predicted Nisaka running away again. He should have made an effort to stop him, but it's difficult when you aren't completely sure if your best friend is running away from his own feelings or from you.
Had he got it wrong? If he hadn't meant what Kuroo foolishly hoped, then why had he stood up so fast? Kuroo had said something that could be considered normal too, back in the cafe, but had stood up so fast after it that all hope of brushing it off as normal was lost and he thought that was it, that Nisaka would figure it out and that he'd have a lot of explaining to do when the time came.
But instead Nisaka ran, as he always does, as he always has, refusing to let himself even get involved with things that require him getting too close or opening up any more than he absolutely has to. It's always been how things go, and it makes the rare moments where he does open up to Kuroo all the more special. But even then the older boy is sure there's always something Nisaka isn't telling him, always something that between them goes unsaid, that troubles Nisaka in a way Kuroo can't begin to imagine. In this situation Kuroo kind of has it easy; he wears his heart on his sleeve and though he can be expertly devious and sarcastic, he's emotive enough that it's definitely not difficult to tell when something is bothering him.. That's why he'd been sure, he'd been certain, that this situation was coming to a head, that tonight would be the night Kuroo would have to admit to what he's done, felt and thought, and that no matter what they'd sort this out.
And it will be. Kuroo is famously determined, has never given up on anything in his life, and Nisaka definitely won't be where he starts slipping. Besides, his brain thinks dimly, he's already fallen.
He races out of the house in a sudden burst of movement, and is surprised at how little time has actually passed when he gets to the top of the stairs and sees Nisaka at the bottom. Threat check: his mom is still downstairs, she won't let them leave if Kuroo starts yelling or looks even a little bit hassled. He bounds down the staircase and reaches for his coat. She's in the kitchen, he can tell by the clattering and the sound of running water. ]
Going for a walk, ma! Back in a bit! [ Is his voice shaking? Holy shit. Just to cover for that he opens the door with one hand, shoves Nisaka through it with the other, and closes it behind him. Then, he fixes Nisaka with a look ].
If you run, I'm just gonna follow you, and I don't wanna put any pressure on you so you might as well just stop and let me talk. Okay?
[ not for the first time, nisaka rues his friend's much-longer legs and athleticism. perhaps if you ate your vegetables more, the sing-songy and teasing voice of his best friend sounded in his head, you'd be able to catch up. funny (in a not-funny kind of way) how even now, at the cusp of the end of his life, his mind can still conjure up a vivid memory of the other boy, without much prompting. he truly is pathetic.
kuroo's hand isn't on him anymore. technically he can still try to make a run for it.
but then kuroo will just run after and catch up to him again. like always.
he's trapped, essentially, but fortunately it's not to be probed or prodded. kuroo doesn't want him to stay to talk; he wants to be the one to talk, and while that gives the smaller boy a small sense of relief, he cannot help but feel his chest constrict in dread.
maybe that's why he says what he says. ]
You're my best friend, Kuroo. I — I don't want to change that. I can't lose you.
[ he can't. even if it means getting a little more of him for a short time. nisaka had been there the last time kuroo ended a relationship. not only does he not want to risk putting the other boy through that again, but he also cannot bear the thought of being on the other end of it. of hurting and depressing kuroo to the point where they can't even meet eyes across a room without things being difficult. he can't. ]
[ Kuroo is giving Nisaka the easier part of this, offering up a simple and familiar situation to him wherein Kuroo will talk and Nisaka will listen and maybe at the end of it he'll have talked enough that Nisaka will have a better understanding of the situation and be able to decide then.
But then Kuroo tastes something bitter in his mouth, his body kind of.. wilting where he stands. It's like the air has been sucked out of where they're standing, Kuroo's fingertips still paused on the handle of his door. It blacks out around where Nisaka is standing, his expression moving toward something like confusion or.. hurt. ]
I'm.. [ Has he been rejected before he'd even had a chance to confess? Being how he is, he's spent more than enough time wondering and casually plotting how he'd make it known, and it had been impossibly romantic and embarrassingly touching in his head. Like this, even the chance has been robbed from him.. though perhaps he should have known. Nisaka is his best friend, it makes sense that he'd know already, but somehow Kuroo had never let himself imagine the terribleness of rejection. ]
I'm not asking for anything to change.
[ That much is true. Even if he wants it, he's not asking for it. ]
But I don't wanna lose you either. That's why we need to talk now. We've never lied to each other before, I don't wanna make a habit of it.
[ It's fine, this is fine, he can do this. He's grit his teeth through worse. He can do this if he gets his best friend back. ]
[ it is familiar, but only in essence. kuroo speaks, nisaka listens, they somehow reach a happy medium wherein they slot into each other's spaces to make up for what the other lacks or has no will to occupy. but everything else about this moment is foreign, and scary in that uncertainty. for once, the tension between them feels so thick he can barely breathe in it, or maybe he's just been holding his breath for too long out of anxiety anyway. either way, his mind feels light, dizzy, yet flooded with a million and one possibilities of how this talk can go wrong.
kuroo wants to speak, but nisaka isn't sure if he's ready to hear what the other boy has to say. nothing has to change, he says, but nisaka knows that's a lie. nothing ever just stays the same when someone has to ask to speak, to be listened to.
then again, haven't things have been changing between them for months now already...? maybe this is truly the inevitable.
and so he sucks it up. steels himself with a deep breath, a clenching of the fists at his sides. ]
[ Up until this point Kuroo had been so willing to talk, so ready to just let it all out that he'd been imagining those words on Nisaka's lips. Talk. Do it. Go on then. But now that it's been asked of him Kuroo finds his mouth dry and his brain empty of how exactly to do this without fucking things up even worse. He's already said he doesn't want things to change, has already made it quite clear that Nisaka means too much to him to carry on this weird half-truth thing they're doing and that clearly right now is an excellent time for that honest rambling Kuroo does when he's nervous or unsure of where to start. He knows all this and yet he still can't speak. He needs something to ease the tension, something to distract him.
He pauses for a moment looking like a frightened cat considering whether to jump across running water or dart across the road, and then he's moving and grabbing Nisaka's wrist to drag him along behind. ]
Come on, I need to- Just follow me.
[ Kuroo lets go at some point, but only when he's sure Nisaka isn't just going to stop and demand he speak. He's not refusing, he just... needs something to help him. The something becomes evident when he turns a corner and a dimly lit patch of green turf opens up before them. It's late, so it's empty save for a ball resting against one of the net posts, and Kuroo makes a beeline for it, lifting it up and exhaling like just by touching it he's been reminded of exactly what he wanted to say. It's time to stop the does he bullcrap and face the facts like a man. ]
I thought I could just ignore it at first. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, so I thought I'd never need to even acknowledge it was there. [ He aims for the basketball net and tosses the ball easily through the hoop, and scoops it up once it bounces softly toward him again. ] But it got difficult, like not giving it any attention made the need for it even worse. The more I tried to ignore it the more at risk I seemed to be getting. I couldn't even take normal classes at school without thinking about it.
[ Another shot, which lands without an issue, and is scooped up once more. ]
A guy at camp said maybe I just need to be honest, but like you said.. things can change. Even if we try not to let them, they will change. You can't just alter a key factor and expect to have the same results, it's basically guaranteed that something will change, and-- and I'm fucking terrified of that. I could fuck something up and we won't have a save point to go back to if that happens. We can't just reset things and start again knowing that it would be a bad idea to even try.
[ He shoots again, and the ball misses. He takes a little while longer to retrieve it this time. When he comes back to where he was standing, he doesn't pose to shoot again... he just stands there, spinning the ball weakly between two hands. ]
It could just be that time in our lives when everything seems appealing, y'know? Girls, weirdly shaped fruit, teachers, those annoying satisfying compilations on YouTube.. but I've tried to convince myself of so many excuses that I don't have any left in me. I can't stop thinking about it, about the possibility that I might be wrong.. that something could happen and actually be good and that all the shit I'm obsessing over is the same as the shit I talk myself out of before a match I'm gonna win. [ He's talking directly to the ball but only because his eyes seem to have forgotten how to find Nisaka's face, like they're afraid it'll take his words away again. ]
The uncertainty is killing me, and I should have talked to you before instead of a handful of days before school starts again, but. I've just gotta know.
[ He chances a look up, expression almost... vulnerable, which is a look Kuroo doesn't sport often. ]
If you don't want things to change, if... if you don't want to try, that's fine, but. How do you know unless you try?... Right?
[ as he's pulled, nisaka realizes dimly that this is always how it's been — kuroo moving, generating energy. a human whirlwind of passion and charisma that cannot help but sweep everything and everyone up in his path, a star too large not to create his own gravitational pull. nisaka had been helpless to stop falling into his gravity at eight years old and now, nearly a decade later, he is still just as weak. but now, in what he's come to accept as the last few moments of the life he's come to know, he can admit in the quiet of the night air that the fault does not and cannot lie entirely on kuroo himself. for nisaka had never really been a victim, but rather a willing participant, pliant without a trace of resistance. so when kuroo pulls him along, he follows forth, feet hastening in their pace to catch up to kuroo's longer strides like they've grown used to, body tilting into his shadow under every streetlight they pass by.
the night air is quiet, even with kuroo's rambling, even with the repetitive sounds of the other boy's necessary distraction. in the quiet nisaka listens, but also takes the time to admit to himself how foolish he'd been in thinking he could ever walk away from this. from him. kuroo will always pull, and he will always follow, and even when he pushes back his feet are moving him where he truly wants to be. out here, under the yellow light of a street light, watching his best friend make shot after shot like it takes no effort at all.
as every second passes, and every word slips out of his friend's mouth, nisaka can feel the last vestiges of his frustration evaporate. perhaps he should have made more of an effort to retain it, because yes, sure, that's talking, but is he even really saying anything? round and round and round he goes, round and round the basketball spins, and nisaka doesn't know if by the end they'd landed anywhere closer to where they need to be.
reflexively, he feels the need to chide his friend for it. to tell him there's no use in talking if he doesn't even know what to say, but what comes out instead is— ]
I'm gay.
[ his voice comes broken and fragile, like shattered glass, surprising even him. in the quiet of the night air he tries to be okay in his honesty, but every second that passes feels more like suffocation than a breath of fresh air. the vulnerability in kuroo's face is mirrored in his own, eyes too large to be able to hide the way they suddenly shine again. at his sides his hands clench and unclench, desperate for a basketball distraction of his own, but all they can find is the hem of his shirt, too thin and delicate like his voice. ]
I've known for a while...
[ he draws in a breath, and then another. blinks and feels a tear finally break free, trailing down his cheek. swallows and feels the clench of his chest from the lack of air, the pinpricks of anxiety and fear and the relief of finally finally being able to say it. ]
[ He hasn't been this nervous for years; the only time he can remember a feeling like this was his first match on the league tables. Nisaka caught him staring at his hand drawn lineup and said something Kuroo didn't catch, and when asked what was wrong the floodgate kind of opened which led to Kuroo spilling every concern and insecurity he'd basically ever had in his life out into his best friends unprepared arms. But Nisaka set him straight with a few simple words and a reassuring hand, setting his needle back in line where he'd skewed it by overthinking, and he'd done so unasked and gladly. With barely anything he settled the earthquake, doused the fire and reminded Kuroo of exactly what had brought him this far.
That was probably the moment for him, that he knew.
He'd been trying to settle things, lay out the facts and hope that the right words to say would fall into place so that Nisaka could say what he needed to say and this would straighten itself out but.. But then Nisaka says that and suddenly Kuroo has forgotten everything in the face of how real this is. It's not some nerves about a game, some teen angst in need of a little mollycoddling and comforting and then it'll all be better in an hour. This is different, and it's not something that's going to be fixed easily, if it's ever 'fixed' at all. ]
Shit.. [ It leaves him on an exhale because he's spent so long feeling rough over all of this when Nisaka has been dealing with something way bigger.. and by himself. Kuroo should have been there, should have said something sooner. But he's here now, right? He drops the basketball, stepping past it as it bounces softly between them and then rolls away, hands already coming up to brace Nisaka's trembling upper arms. ]
Hey, it's okay. [ Softly, but still with a kind of firmness that keeps him well away from being patronising. ] Fuck, Nisaka. You're not alone in this, you know that right? [ And he means it. Kuroo's own orientation - which, honestly, is about as much of a mess as his hairstyle - and feelings aside, Nisaka's well-being is of great importance to him. ] You could tell me you'd murdered a guy and I'd still be right here. Okay?
[ This is so much more than not knowing unless you try. There's so much more riding on this. ]
I'm sorry. I shoulda been better about this.. [ His hands squeeze as he searches for what to say, something simple and effective but ultimately knowing that no matter what it's probably going to come out clumsy and kind of cheesy. And it does. ] But.. honestly? It's kind of a relief.
[ A laugh, just a small one and breathless, obviously directed more at himself than anything else. ] It makes me feel less guilty about.. everything I've been feeling.
[ nerves doesn't even begin to cut it. nerves he has felt before, despite never occupying a position of importance on any team or organization. it's what he feels standing outside of the fitting room every time kuroo drags him off on another shopping trip, practicing how to school his features for when the other male inevitably walks out looking so painfully handsome; it's what he feels when the rest of the volleyball team begin talking about girls and getting girlfriends, and he waits on bated breath to hear how kuroo will respond; it's what he feels when a new movie comes out or a school activity comes up and students start to pair off and invite each other; it's what he feels whenever kuroo slings an arm around his shoulder, or brushes his hair out of his eyes with the gentles of touches.
nervous, he's felt before. but this? it's a storm inside he's never felt so fiercely, and he clings to it as much as he's afraid of it.
of course he hadn't known what to expect, despite having known the other boy for more than half their life. he doesn't know what to make of this reaction, which is also sort of a non-reaction, because sure his best friend had heard the part where he pretty much confessed his horrible gay feelings for him, right...? he isn't sure if he's more grateful or bewildered that he doesn't even make mention of it, instead focusing on the initial confession, but then again they're pretty startling revelations so maybe kuroo's just choosing to tackle them one at a time.
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he allows himself to be ushered in, letting his hands fall uselessly at his sides. he doesn't glance over his shoulder at the other boy, mostly because he doesn't trust himself to. ]
I'm not really hungry, [ he admits, which isn't really out of the usual. but once they'd in the house proper, he turns to the woman, fixing her a sincere smile. ]
Thank you for the edo furin, Auntie. It catches the breeze from my window just right.
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I thought it might. [ She doesn't let any of her assumptions register on her face, though Nisaka should know her well enough by this point to not need visible evidence. ] I've never seen someone stare out a window for as long as you can. I thought it might be nice to give you something to look at for a change.
[ Her gentle teasing is made softer by the screwed up smile she gives him, but it quickly falls when she's surprised by an unexpected sound. ]
I helped her pick the design. She couldn't decide between that or one with painted leaves on it. I said you'd like that one better.
[ Because Kuroo knows Nisaka better. His mom can percieve as much as she likes, but it's Kuroo who studies his best friend and files all the insignificant things away in his mind just in case he might ever need them. It's Kuroo who could see inspiring hope in a sunrise, heat and the dawn of another day signalling freedom and new starts, adventures and excitement... where leaves made him think of jungles, of the thick shroud of leaves and of hiding away, unseen, secret.
There's cream at the corner of Kuroo's mouth, which he doesn't seem to have noticed but his mother reponds to it with a smack of her palm upside his head. She yells at him for not using a fork or a plate, for dipping his fingers in instead of committing and eating the whole thing and for some reason Kuroo's face has gone kind of red when he responds at a louder volume and says he still hasn't made room for the whole thing, that he'll eat it when he's ready. ]
Anyway, Ma.. Have you noticed Nisaka-chan's hair, huh? He's going to start plaiting it, I think. That or he's going to join a band.
[ Both of the Kuroo's eyes snap to Nisaka, one of them smiling kind of impishly and the other looking curious, as the man of the house uses his best friend as a way to get his mom off his case so he can scamper back to the table and dip a finger in the creamcake he's already been poking at. His mother gasps, reaching her hands up to Nisaka's hair, hands on both sides of his head and pulling the lengths of his bangs out at each side, marvelling at the length. ]
i see what you did there...
when kuroo speaks, nisaka can't help but listen, can't help but look. and the surprise there is clear in his expression, too weak and vulnerable to be able to properly mask it.
he knew should've canceled. he should've pretended to be sick, or broken his leg, or something. he realizes all too belatedly that coming here had been a mistake, and now literally caught between the kuroo matron's hands, he can't escape.
he stumbles around his excuses — that he'd been too busy to tend to it all summer, that it wasn't really as much of a bother if he just tied it out of his face, that he'll get around to cutting it soon enough, promise — actually stuttering as his mind tries to catch up to the sudden shift in topic. his cheeks flush under the woman's fervent attention, but they had already been warming up well before that. ]
Actually, [ he says, voice pitching up a little as he scrambles to peel himself away from her too-keen eyes, ] some cake would be nice.
kuroos mom knows all
Too bad, s'all gone. [ He's lying, and makes it way too obvious with the way he hastily shuts the lid of the bakery box. Luckily for Nisaka, his mother is following their paths to the table and somehow already has plates in her hand which she dumps on the table before she pinches her sons side so he'll relinquish his hold on the spoils. Sulking, Kuroo sits, and opens the lid to reveal four different kinds of cakes, and the remains of the one Kuroo had been snacking on. His mom is clearly making up for lost time after spending months away from home, in a place where there weren't any home-style bakeries that even came close to Tanabe-san's. ]
Help yourself. [ She says to Nisaka, then sits herself, at the head of the table, right where she belongs. Then, without looking at her son but clearly talking to him, she continues: ] You didn't give Yuusuke-kun enough time to make up his mind. Just because he doesn't jump into things feet first like you do, doesn't mean he isn't interested.
[ It's a pretty innocent thing to say, but Kuroo's eyes widen and he glances from his mother to Nisaka like he's trying not to be noticed doing so, as a bright flush stains his cheeks. Clearly there's something she knows that Kuroo knows she knows, that they might have talked about in that weird way they do when they don't mention the thing exactly but both of them know what they're talking about. When he looks back at his mother, it's like he's silently yelling at her. Nisaka isn't stupid, all it would take is for him to make one stab in the dark and this could unravel, so Kuroo forcibly reigns himself in and settles on just shrugging. ]
Sorry. Thought you weren't hungry.
spoopy...
...It's alright, [ he says eventually. to both of them, with a quick flick of his eyes, but his gaze definitely lingers a little longer on kuroo himself before slipping down to the small plate in front of him. he plucks up the fork settled neatly beside it, idly tracing around the lip of his plate with its tines. ]
It's not like you could've known.
[ a heavy pause settles around the table suddenly, and nisaka finds himself shifting beneath the weight of it. he turns to the woman who is practically a second mother to him at this point, attempting a polite smile. ]
Can I have the strawberry one...?
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When Nisaka sits down Kuroo's eyes snap to him, as though only just realising how close his mother is to the both of them, and his mind practically blossoms with terrified images of exactly what his bloodhound of a mother being in such proximity to them both and their stupid teenage hormones could mean. ]
Sure. Anything you like, you don't need to ask. [ His mother says suddenly, gesturing with a waft of her hand toward the box. Nisaka could walk in unannounced, open the fridge and fix himself a three course meal and Kuroo's mom would still think he was wonderful. Probably. At least in Kuroo's mind.
The elder of the three crosses her wrists as she props her elbows up on the table, thumb rubbing over a groove in her finger where years of pinching a cigarette have dented the skin slightly. She does this when she's thinking, and Kuroo's eyes widen like he's watching a car crash about to happen. ]
I talked to Tanabe-san when I picked up these pastries, you know. She said you didn't buy anything for youself, Yuusuke-kun. You just bought things for Tetsurou. [ She looks at him, eyes sharp through her muddy-but-purposeful make up. ] You don't need to hold back, you know. You should take whatever you want for yourself. Or at least think about it.
[ ABORT. Kuroo stands up from the table and shoves the last of his cake in his mouth (probably a poor choice in action order there, but he's never been particularly dignified) before glaring pointedly at Nisaka. ]
Wanna finish that upstairs? [ He jerks his head, expression silently asking for an escape. ]
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he's just about carefully set the piece of strawberry cake onto his plate when the woman speaks again, like she's speaking into his very soul, and he has exactly two seconds to panic internally before the loud screech of kuroo's chair steals his attention. his wide eyes catch the other's, and he's nodding along before he can even think better of it. in that moment, anything seemed a better option than remaining under that maternal scrutiny. he'll never understand how mothers seem to just know it all, and way too much.
another clumsy thanks tumbles out of his mouth as he picks his plate up and hastily follows after kuroo, his steps light on the stairs. it's only when they make it up to kuroo's room, the door closed safely between them and his best friend's mother, that nisaka realizes he'd left his fork back downstairs... but no way is he risking getting caught under her searching gaze again. he just opts for settling the plate on his knees, occupying the single chair in kuroo's room. he hasn't yet looked up, and he feels like he'd just run a marathon. ]
...Remind me never to be late on your mom ever again, [ he attempts to joke. ]
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Nisaka's comment brings him out of it though, and even manages to encourage a soft chuckle from him. ]
Ah-ha, yeah. She's a witch, you know, the next time you do it she'll curse you. And she won't go easy on you just because she thinks you're cute.
[ He wags his finger and for a moment things are blissfully normal. Normal enough that Kuroo even manages to peel himself away from the door and plop himself into a sitting position on the end of his bed, Nisaka to his right close by his desk. Face to face is still asking a bit much, and though he's more comfortable now than he was before.. there's a definite edge to the way he holds himself. ]
But.. don't worry about it. I don't think she minds, really.
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his slim fingers begin to trace around the lip of the plate carefully balanced on his knees. ]
Still, [ he murmurs after a moment. ] Just because she doesn't mind, doesn't make it any less wrong.
[ he quiets. speaking of...
carefully, he lifts up his head to glance over his friend's way. ]
...About what happened today...
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Hmm. About that. Nisaka could be talking about what Kuroo had said, the texts, the way he'd treated the other... guy.. whatever his name was. The comment really was a vague one, so Kuroo's expression goes a bit tight. ]
If you're gonna tell me I made whats-his-face uncomfortable, I don't care. He gives me weird vibes. But I shouldn't have left the way I did, so I'm sorry about that.
[ He shifts a bit, shoulders moving till he's kind of slumped to the side, expression troubled while he takes a short pause to think. ]
Did you really have to read your dads stuff, or did I fuck something up?
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but mostly, he's just confused. ]
You..?
[ his brows knit together, and it's clear the notion that any of the oddness between them had been kuroo's fault is a novel, if not utterly ridiculous one to him. ]
You didn't do anything wrong.
[ sure, he'd been rude to watabe. but he hadn't been any ruder than nisaka himself tends to be on the regular, so it's not like he could really find fault in that. and, yes, he may have made a few lewd or suggestive comments here and there, but. but that's just what happens. that's just what friends say to each other; he's heard similar passes tossed around between buddies before, that unspoken "no homo" always tacked on with the laugh that sound more like nails on a chalkboard to nisaka. it's not kuroo's fault that nisaka's so unfortunately gay for him that every joke weakens his resolve.
but kuroo is right about one thing. and it's what has nisaka looking back down at the cake on his knees, lips twisting guiltily. ]
I lied about my dad's manuscript. [ that much he can say. he can't very well tell the whole truth of it, can he? that would just make things even weirder... ]
I just thought it'd be a good idea if we spent a little less time together, that's all. It's... It's probably not good, right? We're almost graduated, but we're still stuck to each other like we were in fourth grade...
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He knew Nisaka had lied, so that isn't surprising, but what he says next definitely is. ]
We just spent two months apart. [ Kuroo says, looking right at Nisaka and levelling him with a confused but firm expression. ] I missed you like hell. Are you trying to tell me that's how it should be? Because I'm calling bullshit.
[ He'd seen Nisaka after he'd run to the bus stop, had seen his form kind of slouch back into being comfortable around someone, had seen him perk up at realising Kuroo would be around more often. Even he can't see that for anything other than what it is.. and now he's had enough of being uncertain. ]
What's wrong? If it's not something I've done, is it something you've done? Is it the guy from the cafe? Is he a better best friend than me or something? You're replacing me?
[ He's half joking, a bemused expression on his face, but there's a small ever so slight sliver of concern in his voice as though he's worried such an eventuality might be possible. Really, he's just concerned about what's bothering Nisaka. ]
1/3
Don't be stupid. [ he's giving the taller boy a look like he'd just declared loyalty to the flat earth society or something, both incredulous and dismissive. of course, his waning patience also makes his tongue a little looser, letting slip things he might have otherwise held onto a lot tighter. ] As if anyone can ever replace you. [ how he still manages to make that sound like an insult is a feat, really...
he's riled up now, at least. no longer holding back as much, angry enough to finally hold kuroo's gaze and try to pin him down with it, or maybe so startled and touched by the other boy's candor with regards to missing him that he feels the need to reciprocate in his own stupid, clumsy way. whatever the reason, he keeps talking, for better or for worse. ]
The point is I need to be a better best friend. [ if kuroo knew... if kuroo had any idea how often nisaka thought of him in less-than-innocent ways... he'd be disgusted and betrayed for sure. ]
And I can't do that when I can't even trust myself around yo—
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oh no...
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no—!
there comes a sudden loud screech followed by a collision of wood, kuroo's chair toppling to the ground in as the smaller boy suddenly jumps up to his feet, ready to bolt or throw up or, or something. ]
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The few seconds that follow Nisaka's words fly by in a whip of movement and colour that seems to disappear through Kuroo's fingers, but in that brief moment he manages to do two very important things; he stands up, and crosses the short distance between himself and Nisaka so he can put a hand firm on his shoulder, to stop him from doing what he inevitably wants to do and leaving the room and this house possibly never to return.
Then he starts to process the information. ]
Trust yourself? [ Kuroo frowns.. it sounds like Nisaka is implying something, but Kuroo's brain seems to be incapable of developing any more theories on the matter, as if it's so impossible it doesn't compute. The truth of the matter is that Kuroo has been worried about his own ability to trust himself around Nisaka, particularly after the night where he'd lay in his best friends bed with warmth spreading and pooling in his body, his mind carrying him off to sleep with sinful thoughts and fantasies he dare not think about with company around. Least of all when the subject of said fantasies was laying right beside him..
Kuroo had wondered for himself if distance and some time apart might have softened (heh) the tension a little, but if this had all been brought on by two months apart then clearly that isn't the best strategy.
He looks at Nisaka for a long moment, wondering if it's safe to hope, terrified of what it might do but ultimately doing it anyway, against all his better judgement and all of the warning bells in his head that tell him what a bad idea this is, how stupid he's being and how he'll look back on this later and curse himself for being so dumb. Nisaka has never given him a hint before, has always been so far removed from relationship talk that it seems like he's uninterested either way, and even knowing all that Kuroo's stupid heart flutters when he wonders if maybe, perhaps...
His mothers words ring in his head. Give him time to make up his mind. Not everyone jumps in feet first, not everyone has Kuroo's stupid bravery, his foolish bravado. Nisaka can take it or leave it, but first Kuroo needs to make the options clear to him... right? ]
If that's the case, then I should be a better best friend too.
[ Because he can't trust himself either. His first night back told him that much. ]
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[ nisaka is stuck. buried under the gentle weight of kuroo's hand, his searching gaze. he wonders if he'd actually died, just straight up embarrassed himself to death, or whatever, because he can't make sense of all that he's hearing, even though kuroo isn't really saying much.
what do you mean? he wants to scream. do you mean it the way i mean it? the logical part of his brain screams, yes, of course, how else can he mean it, but the other, louder part of his breath is shaking and crying, no you idiot, since when has life ever been that kind?? ]
I...
[ the air feels too thick in here, like there's no ventilation whatsoever. the window is open, letting in a faint evening breeze, but nisaka still feels like he's suffocating, throat working desperately to swallow back some air. ]
Sorry, I — need to go.
[ he can't stay here any longer. not alone, not so close, not with kuroo's hand on his shoulder and eyes pinning him down. any second longer and he'll faint, he knows it, and that's just not the hill he wants to die on right now, and so he jerks himself away from the touch before he can grow too comfortable with it. the plate he'd been holding clatters noisily against the desk when he sets it down, steps short but swift towards the door. he looks on the verge of a panic attack, but he still lingers there, hand on the knob.
he looks like he wants so say something, maybe even stay. but then he turns a little blue from the lack of air, and then he's whipping around, taking the stairs two at a time just to get out of there.
he can't do this right now. two seconds ago he thought his life was over, and now he's wondering if he could really be lucky enough to let it begin?? how is he even supposed to deal? ]
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He should have predicted Nisaka running away again. He should have made an effort to stop him, but it's difficult when you aren't completely sure if your best friend is running away from his own feelings or from you.
Had he got it wrong? If he hadn't meant what Kuroo foolishly hoped, then why had he stood up so fast? Kuroo had said something that could be considered normal too, back in the cafe, but had stood up so fast after it that all hope of brushing it off as normal was lost and he thought that was it, that Nisaka would figure it out and that he'd have a lot of explaining to do when the time came.
But instead Nisaka ran, as he always does, as he always has, refusing to let himself even get involved with things that require him getting too close or opening up any more than he absolutely has to. It's always been how things go, and it makes the rare moments where he does open up to Kuroo all the more special. But even then the older boy is sure there's always something Nisaka isn't telling him, always something that between them goes unsaid, that troubles Nisaka in a way Kuroo can't begin to imagine. In this situation Kuroo kind of has it easy; he wears his heart on his sleeve and though he can be expertly devious and sarcastic, he's emotive enough that it's definitely not difficult to tell when something is bothering him.. That's why he'd been sure, he'd been certain, that this situation was coming to a head, that tonight would be the night Kuroo would have to admit to what he's done, felt and thought, and that no matter what they'd sort this out.
And it will be. Kuroo is famously determined, has never given up on anything in his life, and Nisaka definitely won't be where he starts slipping. Besides, his brain thinks dimly, he's already fallen.
He races out of the house in a sudden burst of movement, and is surprised at how little time has actually passed when he gets to the top of the stairs and sees Nisaka at the bottom. Threat check: his mom is still downstairs, she won't let them leave if Kuroo starts yelling or looks even a little bit hassled. He bounds down the staircase and reaches for his coat. She's in the kitchen, he can tell by the clattering and the sound of running water. ]
Going for a walk, ma! Back in a bit! [ Is his voice shaking? Holy shit. Just to cover for that he opens the door with one hand, shoves Nisaka through it with the other, and closes it behind him. Then, he fixes Nisaka with a look ].
If you run, I'm just gonna follow you, and I don't wanna put any pressure on you so you might as well just stop and let me talk. Okay?
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kuroo's hand isn't on him anymore. technically he can still try to make a run for it.
but then kuroo will just run after and catch up to him again. like always.
he's trapped, essentially, but fortunately it's not to be probed or prodded. kuroo doesn't want him to stay to talk; he wants to be the one to talk, and while that gives the smaller boy a small sense of relief, he cannot help but feel his chest constrict in dread.
maybe that's why he says what he says. ]
You're my best friend, Kuroo. I — I don't want to change that. I can't lose you.
[ he can't. even if it means getting a little more of him for a short time. nisaka had been there the last time kuroo ended a relationship. not only does he not want to risk putting the other boy through that again, but he also cannot bear the thought of being on the other end of it. of hurting and depressing kuroo to the point where they can't even meet eyes across a room without things being difficult. he can't. ]
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But then Kuroo tastes something bitter in his mouth, his body kind of.. wilting where he stands. It's like the air has been sucked out of where they're standing, Kuroo's fingertips still paused on the handle of his door. It blacks out around where Nisaka is standing, his expression moving toward something like confusion or.. hurt. ]
I'm.. [ Has he been rejected before he'd even had a chance to confess? Being how he is, he's spent more than enough time wondering and casually plotting how he'd make it known, and it had been impossibly romantic and embarrassingly touching in his head. Like this, even the chance has been robbed from him.. though perhaps he should have known. Nisaka is his best friend, it makes sense that he'd know already, but somehow Kuroo had never let himself imagine the terribleness of rejection. ]
I'm not asking for anything to change.
[ That much is true. Even if he wants it, he's not asking for it. ]
But I don't wanna lose you either. That's why we need to talk now. We've never lied to each other before, I don't wanna make a habit of it.
[ It's fine, this is fine, he can do this. He's grit his teeth through worse. He can do this if he gets his best friend back. ]
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kuroo wants to speak, but nisaka isn't sure if he's ready to hear what the other boy has to say. nothing has to change, he says, but nisaka knows that's a lie. nothing ever just stays the same when someone has to ask to speak, to be listened to.
then again, haven't things have been changing between them for months now already...? maybe this is truly the inevitable.
and so he sucks it up. steels himself with a deep breath, a clenching of the fists at his sides. ]
So talk.
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He pauses for a moment looking like a frightened cat considering whether to jump across running water or dart across the road, and then he's moving and grabbing Nisaka's wrist to drag him along behind. ]
Come on, I need to- Just follow me.
[ Kuroo lets go at some point, but only when he's sure Nisaka isn't just going to stop and demand he speak. He's not refusing, he just... needs something to help him. The something becomes evident when he turns a corner and a dimly lit patch of green turf opens up before them. It's late, so it's empty save for a ball resting against one of the net posts, and Kuroo makes a beeline for it, lifting it up and exhaling like just by touching it he's been reminded of exactly what he wanted to say. It's time to stop the does he bullcrap and face the facts like a man. ]
I thought I could just ignore it at first. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, so I thought I'd never need to even acknowledge it was there. [ He aims for the basketball net and tosses the ball easily through the hoop, and scoops it up once it bounces softly toward him again. ] But it got difficult, like not giving it any attention made the need for it even worse. The more I tried to ignore it the more at risk I seemed to be getting. I couldn't even take normal classes at school without thinking about it.
[ Another shot, which lands without an issue, and is scooped up once more. ]
A guy at camp said maybe I just need to be honest, but like you said.. things can change. Even if we try not to let them, they will change. You can't just alter a key factor and expect to have the same results, it's basically guaranteed that something will change, and-- and I'm fucking terrified of that. I could fuck something up and we won't have a save point to go back to if that happens. We can't just reset things and start again knowing that it would be a bad idea to even try.
[ He shoots again, and the ball misses. He takes a little while longer to retrieve it this time. When he comes back to where he was standing, he doesn't pose to shoot again... he just stands there, spinning the ball weakly between two hands. ]
It could just be that time in our lives when everything seems appealing, y'know? Girls, weirdly shaped fruit, teachers, those annoying satisfying compilations on YouTube.. but I've tried to convince myself of so many excuses that I don't have any left in me. I can't stop thinking about it, about the possibility that I might be wrong.. that something could happen and actually be good and that all the shit I'm obsessing over is the same as the shit I talk myself out of before a match I'm gonna win. [ He's talking directly to the ball but only because his eyes seem to have forgotten how to find Nisaka's face, like they're afraid it'll take his words away again. ]
The uncertainty is killing me, and I should have talked to you before instead of a handful of days before school starts again, but. I've just gotta know.
[ He chances a look up, expression almost... vulnerable, which is a look Kuroo doesn't sport often. ]
If you don't want things to change, if... if you don't want to try, that's fine, but. How do you know unless you try?... Right?
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the night air is quiet, even with kuroo's rambling, even with the repetitive sounds of the other boy's necessary distraction. in the quiet nisaka listens, but also takes the time to admit to himself how foolish he'd been in thinking he could ever walk away from this. from him. kuroo will always pull, and he will always follow, and even when he pushes back his feet are moving him where he truly wants to be. out here, under the yellow light of a street light, watching his best friend make shot after shot like it takes no effort at all.
as every second passes, and every word slips out of his friend's mouth, nisaka can feel the last vestiges of his frustration evaporate. perhaps he should have made more of an effort to retain it, because yes, sure, that's talking, but is he even really saying anything? round and round and round he goes, round and round the basketball spins, and nisaka doesn't know if by the end they'd landed anywhere closer to where they need to be.
reflexively, he feels the need to chide his friend for it. to tell him there's no use in talking if he doesn't even know what to say, but what comes out instead is— ]
I'm gay.
[ his voice comes broken and fragile, like shattered glass, surprising even him. in the quiet of the night air he tries to be okay in his honesty, but every second that passes feels more like suffocation than a breath of fresh air. the vulnerability in kuroo's face is mirrored in his own, eyes too large to be able to hide the way they suddenly shine again. at his sides his hands clench and unclench, desperate for a basketball distraction of his own, but all they can find is the hem of his shirt, too thin and delicate like his voice. ]
I've known for a while...
[ he draws in a breath, and then another. blinks and feels a tear finally break free, trailing down his cheek. swallows and feels the clench of his chest from the lack of air, the pinpricks of anxiety and fear and the relief of finally finally being able to say it. ]
...About as long as I've known I liked you.
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That was probably the moment for him, that he knew.
He'd been trying to settle things, lay out the facts and hope that the right words to say would fall into place so that Nisaka could say what he needed to say and this would straighten itself out but.. But then Nisaka says that and suddenly Kuroo has forgotten everything in the face of how real this is. It's not some nerves about a game, some teen angst in need of a little mollycoddling and comforting and then it'll all be better in an hour. This is different, and it's not something that's going to be fixed easily, if it's ever 'fixed' at all. ]
Shit.. [ It leaves him on an exhale because he's spent so long feeling rough over all of this when Nisaka has been dealing with something way bigger.. and by himself. Kuroo should have been there, should have said something sooner. But he's here now, right? He drops the basketball, stepping past it as it bounces softly between them and then rolls away, hands already coming up to brace Nisaka's trembling upper arms. ]
Hey, it's okay. [ Softly, but still with a kind of firmness that keeps him well away from being patronising. ] Fuck, Nisaka. You're not alone in this, you know that right? [ And he means it. Kuroo's own orientation - which, honestly, is about as much of a mess as his hairstyle - and feelings aside, Nisaka's well-being is of great importance to him. ] You could tell me you'd murdered a guy and I'd still be right here. Okay?
[ This is so much more than not knowing unless you try. There's so much more riding on this. ]
I'm sorry. I shoulda been better about this.. [ His hands squeeze as he searches for what to say, something simple and effective but ultimately knowing that no matter what it's probably going to come out clumsy and kind of cheesy. And it does. ] But.. honestly? It's kind of a relief.
[ A laugh, just a small one and breathless, obviously directed more at himself than anything else. ] It makes me feel less guilty about.. everything I've been feeling.
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